I find it interesting how I go through periods of time where I think I have my sh&t together, I'm doing well personally, professionally, etc. And then it seems like there are always a cluster of big or little things that show the cracks in that illusion. I thought I'd share some of those with you:
1) I recently was at a lunch with the Dean and two other (much more senior) colleagues. The Dean bemoaned not being sure of who to ask to chair an exploratory committee of something I care a lot about. I said,"You could ask me." He replied, "No, I want someone with prestige." Yee-ouch.
2) I was on a brief research trip with one of my graduate students. She's friendly with a past grad student that used to be in my lab (he clearly had issues with my role as PI and I told him to find a new advisor). She told me stories about how he used to say things like, "who does she think she is, that she gets an office and has a 'closed door' policy and we are out here in cubicles?!" While I knew he had respect issues, they had not been so publicly confirmed. It kind of stung, even if it doesn't matter since in the end, I had the power to boot his sorry ass out of my lab. That's who I am. In. Charge.
3) I recently realized that I might have been 40 when I had my daughter, but as she's gotten older I have too. It was time to do a thorough physical exam, blood work and all. I was strutting around when I first walked out of my appointment, as my BP, cholesterol, etc. is all really good. I have been exercising regularly in a class that kicks my butt, and even once woke up in the middle of the night b/c my hand touched the back of my other arm and I wasn't sure whose it was (as it didn't feel like the flabby one I'd gotten used to). And I actually kind of like my butt these days. But... I did bring up the handful of little things that have changed for me recently. I know it isn't really a big deal, but finding out that I am really, and I mean really vitamin D deficient and likely have a fibroid (which is causing the weird/crazy heavy menstrual bleeding), and that I really need to get an eye exam to check for glaucoma, well, those took a smidge of the wind out of my sails. And then yesterday my lower back started hurting...
4) And my kitty has been laying in a box for the last 3 weeks as we implement kitty-hospice care. It breaks my heart, but my DH isn't ready to let him go. So we feed our 18 year old kitty who had a stroke with a syringe, change the blankets underneath him and flip him over several times a day.
Isn't it a strange thing that we feel so permanent, so real. And yet, in the whole scheme of things, it totally doesn't matter that my Dean doesn't think I have any prestige (and that my enthusiasm and ideas therefore don't count for sh&t). It seems so big and so important in the here and now. But in 30-50 years, no one will even know that that conversation happened.
I'm not sure this thought makes me feel sad. In some ways it really takes the pressure off. But it sure is strange to think about. Not being here one day and no one really knowing who I was or what I was like. Think of all the people throughout history that we know nothing about, and how they had really important experiences and meaningful thoughts and feelings. And yet, those are all unknown.
Hm. Life really is a funny thing.
1) I recently was at a lunch with the Dean and two other (much more senior) colleagues. The Dean bemoaned not being sure of who to ask to chair an exploratory committee of something I care a lot about. I said,"You could ask me." He replied, "No, I want someone with prestige." Yee-ouch.
2) I was on a brief research trip with one of my graduate students. She's friendly with a past grad student that used to be in my lab (he clearly had issues with my role as PI and I told him to find a new advisor). She told me stories about how he used to say things like, "who does she think she is, that she gets an office and has a 'closed door' policy and we are out here in cubicles?!" While I knew he had respect issues, they had not been so publicly confirmed. It kind of stung, even if it doesn't matter since in the end, I had the power to boot his sorry ass out of my lab. That's who I am. In. Charge.
3) I recently realized that I might have been 40 when I had my daughter, but as she's gotten older I have too. It was time to do a thorough physical exam, blood work and all. I was strutting around when I first walked out of my appointment, as my BP, cholesterol, etc. is all really good. I have been exercising regularly in a class that kicks my butt, and even once woke up in the middle of the night b/c my hand touched the back of my other arm and I wasn't sure whose it was (as it didn't feel like the flabby one I'd gotten used to). And I actually kind of like my butt these days. But... I did bring up the handful of little things that have changed for me recently. I know it isn't really a big deal, but finding out that I am really, and I mean really vitamin D deficient and likely have a fibroid (which is causing the weird/crazy heavy menstrual bleeding), and that I really need to get an eye exam to check for glaucoma, well, those took a smidge of the wind out of my sails. And then yesterday my lower back started hurting...
4) And my kitty has been laying in a box for the last 3 weeks as we implement kitty-hospice care. It breaks my heart, but my DH isn't ready to let him go. So we feed our 18 year old kitty who had a stroke with a syringe, change the blankets underneath him and flip him over several times a day.
Isn't it a strange thing that we feel so permanent, so real. And yet, in the whole scheme of things, it totally doesn't matter that my Dean doesn't think I have any prestige (and that my enthusiasm and ideas therefore don't count for sh&t). It seems so big and so important in the here and now. But in 30-50 years, no one will even know that that conversation happened.
I'm not sure this thought makes me feel sad. In some ways it really takes the pressure off. But it sure is strange to think about. Not being here one day and no one really knowing who I was or what I was like. Think of all the people throughout history that we know nothing about, and how they had really important experiences and meaningful thoughts and feelings. And yet, those are all unknown.
Hm. Life really is a funny thing.
I am now entirely convinced that you are my long-lost twin. I could have written most of that post, including the severe vitamin D deficiency.
ReplyDeleteI too have been thinking a lot about how irrelevant we all are in the grand scheme of things, except for a little while and to only a few people (our families). Little burst of light, and then gone forever... Most of the things we think are important are really BS, and I can't help but think that connections with other humans are the only thing worth pursuing, as it seems that's what we are wired for, that seems to be the thing that gives life greatest meaning.
Your Dean is a piece of work; this is not the first time you mention him as an unsupportive prick. I wonder if there is a way to do something mildly subversive, just to spite him...
I have thoughts like this, too, and had a recent reminder of impermanence when the most senior of my leadership program leaders had a minor stroke. Right after our weekend with him, during which we celebrated his recent vision quest and entering "elderhood" - jarring. I also had a thought today, though, how everything we do ripples out and we have no idea how it affects people or infiltrates their lives. Like this career panel I organized today - the 40 students who attended may tell stories about it in the future; maybe something about it might shape a decision they make. :) I'm sorry your Dean was a jerk. I'd like to know more about your work sometime...
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