Good: The OB this morning said that M's herky/jerky fish-out-water fetal movements are normal neurological development and she'll do this sometimes when she's a newborn too.
Bad: I think I might have a UTI; definitely I didn't drink enough water yesterday and that's been a little funky on my bladder.
Good: The OB said that we don't have to come to the hospital with a birth plan, or if we want, just make the birth plan a list of requests or things about us that it'd be nice for the nurses to know. I was starting to think I am weird not to have strong opinions about the labor & delivery. I keep thinking it's better if I don't make any specific plans or get my hopes set on any specific birth experience. The OB kind of confirmed that this is totally ok.
Bad: I got to work and found out that one of the freezers in a shared lab space 4 floors away broke, maybe a week ago, and we lost ALL of our samples for DNA research. This includes ALL of the samples for one of my graduate student's PhD project. She spent all fall collecting them and has a fellowship for this spring to do the genetics work, which is now completely ruined. Oh, and last week, someone in another lab accidentally threw out all of her specimens for a subset of her project that were stored in another freezer. She hasn't completely lost it yet, which is amazing.
Good: Thanks to the readjustment in my priorities I'm mad about it but not angry to the core, as I would have been a year ago.
Bad: We have to clean out a really disgusting and stinky broken freezer.
Good: Since I'm pregnant I can't help.
Funny: M had hiccups this morning and again this afternoon. What a very weird thing...
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
The in-laws are coming... OMG
I love waking up to all those wonderful comments to last night's insomnia stress post. Thank you all so much! I decided to stop thinking about strollers for at least a day, and I took myself off of a project at work. It was so hard to do, as I really wanted to write this little article and it would have been fun and I would have been a great person to do it, and I would have gotten some personal-career promotion from it. But I am feeling so exhausted these days that I need to be realistic. So I wrote the email, and cringed when I hit "send". It was the right thing to do though. And it lifts a little of the work burden off my shoulders.
And then I turned my weary headachy head to Dh during breakfast to learn some news he's clearly been keeping to himself for a couple of days. His parents are coming.
Dh's parents meet up with their friends at a resort-y type place about 2 hours away from where we live every year in March or April. They didn't make it last year because they both had the flu. And then his dad had the heart attack in July and the metastasized prostate cancer diagnosis in August/September.
Since Dh's dad is sort-of feeling better (although he has to take a 3 hour nap every day), they plan on going this year. Oh, and they plan to drive the 10 hours themselves.
Oh, and it is March 30, 31, and April 1.
Bad enough that they are not anywhere near fit enough to make this drive safely, that they are too cheap to break it up over three days and stay at hotels along the way, and that Dh's mom can't drive at all.
But add onto it the fact that they want to see us.
We renovated our house over the last few years and they haven't seen it yet, so we are thinking they want to come stay with us.
Remember, this is the mother-in-law who was not exactly excited or happy for us when she learned of the impending baby. This is the MIL who is ridiculously judgmental about food. This is the MIL who doesn't wash dishes with soap.
If little M is born on her due date, she'll be just over 3 weeks old.
OMG.
But given how ill Dh's dad is, this might be their only chance to see our house, and delays in seeing their new granddaughter are not a good idea.
But 3 freaking weeks old????!!!!
I don't know if I can handle this. I don't think I have a choice. I have no idea how this will ever work out ok.
And then I turned my weary headachy head to Dh during breakfast to learn some news he's clearly been keeping to himself for a couple of days. His parents are coming.
Dh's parents meet up with their friends at a resort-y type place about 2 hours away from where we live every year in March or April. They didn't make it last year because they both had the flu. And then his dad had the heart attack in July and the metastasized prostate cancer diagnosis in August/September.
Since Dh's dad is sort-of feeling better (although he has to take a 3 hour nap every day), they plan on going this year. Oh, and they plan to drive the 10 hours themselves.
Oh, and it is March 30, 31, and April 1.
Bad enough that they are not anywhere near fit enough to make this drive safely, that they are too cheap to break it up over three days and stay at hotels along the way, and that Dh's mom can't drive at all.
But add onto it the fact that they want to see us.
We renovated our house over the last few years and they haven't seen it yet, so we are thinking they want to come stay with us.
Remember, this is the mother-in-law who was not exactly excited or happy for us when she learned of the impending baby. This is the MIL who is ridiculously judgmental about food. This is the MIL who doesn't wash dishes with soap.
If little M is born on her due date, she'll be just over 3 weeks old.
OMG.
But given how ill Dh's dad is, this might be their only chance to see our house, and delays in seeing their new granddaughter are not a good idea.
But 3 freaking weeks old????!!!!
I don't know if I can handle this. I don't think I have a choice. I have no idea how this will ever work out ok.
Strollers, airplanes, and kicks
It is very early in the morning again. I slept for about three hours and then woke with a headache. Laid in bed for an hour and then decided to get up and blog, surf the web.
Yesterday we did a bunch of house/baby errands. But I don't feel much better about it because I am ridiculously stressed out about strollers. Do any of you have advice? I really like the ones that you can switch the seat so that it faces front and/or back, but they are pretty expensive and the one I like the best has a bassinet thing that I really don't think I'd use much, and that increases the cost a lot.
And then I was thinking about the car seat. Those things are really heavy. How will I carry little M in her car seat? I am not that strong, and we live on a hill with lots of steps from our garage to our house.
Which leads into thinking about travel. I have been trying to envision flying to my parents this summer with a 3 month old (by myself). All of the gear is overwhelming me. Do I need to have her in her car seat on the plane ride? How will I carry it along with the seat base? How will I go to the bathroom myself? this seems to require not only a car seat but also a stroller to get all the stuff to the plane, and also a carrier so that I can take her to the bathroom with me and still have my hands free so I can use the restroom myself. And then what about all the stuff she'll need while we are there. Oh my god. I am starting to feel very overwhelmed by all the logistics.
It almost makes me feel like I should just stay at home for a year. But that is absurd, of course we should go places.
So then I try to just think of how much I am looking forward to holding little M. But then I start worrying about stillbirth; I unfortunately know two women IRL who lost babies during birth, and then there are all the ones online too. I have't let myself read too much about it, so I don't know all the reasons why this can happen, but I have started to think and worry more about it lately. I guess I won't fully believe that this baby is really going to be here until she is home with me.
But of course, there are other things to worry about too. For example, little M moves a lot these days, and it is sometimes really weird jerky movements: a random one punch, frantic flops like a fish out of water. This makes me worried. Do other fetuses move in sometimes really jerky ways or is there maybe something not right with her neurologically?
I look forward to the real morning when I will have managed to get back to sleep for an hour or two. Things will seem less overwhelming and worrisome then. The sun will be up, and I can try to go back to just being pregnant.
Yesterday we did a bunch of house/baby errands. But I don't feel much better about it because I am ridiculously stressed out about strollers. Do any of you have advice? I really like the ones that you can switch the seat so that it faces front and/or back, but they are pretty expensive and the one I like the best has a bassinet thing that I really don't think I'd use much, and that increases the cost a lot.
And then I was thinking about the car seat. Those things are really heavy. How will I carry little M in her car seat? I am not that strong, and we live on a hill with lots of steps from our garage to our house.
Which leads into thinking about travel. I have been trying to envision flying to my parents this summer with a 3 month old (by myself). All of the gear is overwhelming me. Do I need to have her in her car seat on the plane ride? How will I carry it along with the seat base? How will I go to the bathroom myself? this seems to require not only a car seat but also a stroller to get all the stuff to the plane, and also a carrier so that I can take her to the bathroom with me and still have my hands free so I can use the restroom myself. And then what about all the stuff she'll need while we are there. Oh my god. I am starting to feel very overwhelmed by all the logistics.
It almost makes me feel like I should just stay at home for a year. But that is absurd, of course we should go places.
So then I try to just think of how much I am looking forward to holding little M. But then I start worrying about stillbirth; I unfortunately know two women IRL who lost babies during birth, and then there are all the ones online too. I have't let myself read too much about it, so I don't know all the reasons why this can happen, but I have started to think and worry more about it lately. I guess I won't fully believe that this baby is really going to be here until she is home with me.
But of course, there are other things to worry about too. For example, little M moves a lot these days, and it is sometimes really weird jerky movements: a random one punch, frantic flops like a fish out of water. This makes me worried. Do other fetuses move in sometimes really jerky ways or is there maybe something not right with her neurologically?
I look forward to the real morning when I will have managed to get back to sleep for an hour or two. Things will seem less overwhelming and worrisome then. The sun will be up, and I can try to go back to just being pregnant.
Friday, January 21, 2011
For Justine
My very dear blog sister Justine is very very close to meeting her long-sought second baby. And in honor of this momentous event, her friend JeCaThRe is throwing a virtual baby shower for her. How cool is that? (very, in my book)
Justine reminded me the other day that we often need to go in search for the right IRL community, and that there is trial and error in this endeavor. She's so right. While I wish the world would step up and make friends with me, make me feel welcome and comfortable, that is just not how the world works. I need to take charge of finding a happy place.
So in honor of her wisdom and her willingness to share it with me, I will make Justine's red velvet cupcakes and take them to the lady down the street who I have not yet met, but hear is having s baby a few weeks after I will. Maybe we can be friends... and it will have been Justine's cupcakes and wisdom that brought us together! and if not, I will be proud of myself for trying.
Thank you Justine! I wish you all the luck in the world for an easy and safe delivery. I can't wait to hear about your meeting your daughter for the first time!
love always, inB
Justine reminded me the other day that we often need to go in search for the right IRL community, and that there is trial and error in this endeavor. She's so right. While I wish the world would step up and make friends with me, make me feel welcome and comfortable, that is just not how the world works. I need to take charge of finding a happy place.
So in honor of her wisdom and her willingness to share it with me, I will make Justine's red velvet cupcakes and take them to the lady down the street who I have not yet met, but hear is having s baby a few weeks after I will. Maybe we can be friends... and it will have been Justine's cupcakes and wisdom that brought us together! and if not, I will be proud of myself for trying.
Thank you Justine! I wish you all the luck in the world for an easy and safe delivery. I can't wait to hear about your meeting your daughter for the first time!
love always, inB
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Another bout of insomnia
I carry all of you so close to my heart, and think of each and everyone of you numerous times every day. This blog sisterhood is remarkable.
I am blown away by all the support and love in response to my last post. Justine commented that it would be so wonderful if we could all form a circle IRL for each other. That would be spectacular! But I feel so lucky that we at least have the internet to bring us together. Can you imagine how hard all of this must have been about 20 years ago or more? I think I would have lost my mind... it is no surprise that there are some crazy cat ladies out there. I would definitely be one of 'em (there is till time for me to become that though so I shouldn't assume I am out of danger...)
I woke up at 2am to pee and can't get back to sleep. Two and a half hours later and I am still awake, but decided to get up and check on what all of you are up to. Luckily the bouts of insomnia, although regular occurrences, do not happen every night. It is frustrating because I know that my brain ends up kind of fried the next day and I look like a stereotypical worn out pregnant lady with zero glow. But, whatever. It is a much better kind of insomnia than all of the really angst-ridden stress-induced bouts I have had in the past.
One last thing -- you all are angels to say I look thin! I should post another angle someday as the front of my body has such an amazing girth these days, and whatever little muscles I have are buried under lots of extra bodily fluid and other padding... it is really a neat thing though to just let go of all the emotional baggage over my body-image and sit back and go with the ride my body is taking me on.
I am blown away by all the support and love in response to my last post. Justine commented that it would be so wonderful if we could all form a circle IRL for each other. That would be spectacular! But I feel so lucky that we at least have the internet to bring us together. Can you imagine how hard all of this must have been about 20 years ago or more? I think I would have lost my mind... it is no surprise that there are some crazy cat ladies out there. I would definitely be one of 'em (there is till time for me to become that though so I shouldn't assume I am out of danger...)
I woke up at 2am to pee and can't get back to sleep. Two and a half hours later and I am still awake, but decided to get up and check on what all of you are up to. Luckily the bouts of insomnia, although regular occurrences, do not happen every night. It is frustrating because I know that my brain ends up kind of fried the next day and I look like a stereotypical worn out pregnant lady with zero glow. But, whatever. It is a much better kind of insomnia than all of the really angst-ridden stress-induced bouts I have had in the past.
One last thing -- you all are angels to say I look thin! I should post another angle someday as the front of my body has such an amazing girth these days, and whatever little muscles I have are buried under lots of extra bodily fluid and other padding... it is really a neat thing though to just let go of all the emotional baggage over my body-image and sit back and go with the ride my body is taking me on.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Loneliness redefined
I have had a nagging thing in the back of my mind for a while now. Yesterday I figured out what it is. Loneliness.
I downloaded some photos I took of my belly and realized that the only pictures I have of myself pregnant are ones that I took. No one else has ever said, "show off your belly for the photo!" No one calls to check on me, ask if I've been kicked lately. It's feels as if it is easy for people to go on as if I am not pregnant, that this is no big deal. Fairly irrelevant.
I have moments where it is amazing to feel like I am entering into the community of mommies, but I am realizing that the community is so ridiculously large and diverse that it is essentially meaningless to the people who are in it. There is no welcome letter or ceremony to learn the secret handshake. There is no sense of camaraderie from what I can tell. I think it is only a community if you find yourself outside of it. This should not come as a surprise to me, but it kind of does.
And while family members are happy for us (or not), I don't think anyone else thinks about little M every day. Even Dh seems to be able to go most of the day without bringing her up in conversation. The other night Dh commented that he is annoyed when people say "we are pregnant" since I am pregnant, not him.
All of this makes me feel alone and protective, like it is just me and little M, and that I have to really look out for her because no one else will. I am realizing that her impending birth really isn't a big deal to anybody else but the two of us.
Which makes sense. Of course it is like this. But this totally made me bawl last night when I came to this realization. And it makes me feel really hyper-attached and connected to little M -- we are connected to each other more deeply than we are to anyone else, and more to each other than anyone else is to either of us.
So why was I crying? I guess because I feel disappointed on some level to realize that something that means so much to me is so incredibly mundane to essentially everyone else. What a strange thing. And kind of lonely.
Here I am at 33 weeks tomorrow. Un-freaking-believable. And hard to believe my belly can get any bigger. The fuzzy thing on the floor in front of me is a bear footstool for little M's room. I should have turned him so you can see his face; he's super cute. She's going to love him.
I have moments where it is amazing to feel like I am entering into the community of mommies, but I am realizing that the community is so ridiculously large and diverse that it is essentially meaningless to the people who are in it. There is no welcome letter or ceremony to learn the secret handshake. There is no sense of camaraderie from what I can tell. I think it is only a community if you find yourself outside of it. This should not come as a surprise to me, but it kind of does.
And while family members are happy for us (or not), I don't think anyone else thinks about little M every day. Even Dh seems to be able to go most of the day without bringing her up in conversation. The other night Dh commented that he is annoyed when people say "we are pregnant" since I am pregnant, not him.
All of this makes me feel alone and protective, like it is just me and little M, and that I have to really look out for her because no one else will. I am realizing that her impending birth really isn't a big deal to anybody else but the two of us.
Which makes sense. Of course it is like this. But this totally made me bawl last night when I came to this realization. And it makes me feel really hyper-attached and connected to little M -- we are connected to each other more deeply than we are to anyone else, and more to each other than anyone else is to either of us.
So why was I crying? I guess because I feel disappointed on some level to realize that something that means so much to me is so incredibly mundane to essentially everyone else. What a strange thing. And kind of lonely.
Here I am at 33 weeks tomorrow. Un-freaking-believable. And hard to believe my belly can get any bigger. The fuzzy thing on the floor in front of me is a bear footstool for little M's room. I should have turned him so you can see his face; he's super cute. She's going to love him.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
I bought a lot of stuff
My best friend here who has two girls (the first and ivf baby, so she totally gets it) went with me shopping yesterday. We went to a kind of fancy baby store and BabiesRus, and talked for like 5 hours. Things I am grateful for from the day:
1. I now have a nursung bra & pads, baby bath & grooming supplies, some diapers, several sets of things for Little M to sleep in, lots of burp cloths and swaddling blankets, baby thermometer, Moby wrap to carry her around in, and some other misc things. I even got a start on learning about car seats and strollers, and decided to go with an infant car seat (though I need to take Dh with me to finalize the decisions on this, as he said he doesn't really care about a lot of the details of baby gear but does want to help choose the car seat & stroller).
2. I came home and unpacked everything, washed two loads of baby laundry for the first time ever -- exciting! Realized that the baby monitor didn't have all the necessary part so will have to take that back. And through all of this, refined my list of things I still need to get. I am feeling much better, although there is still LOTS to do...
3. My friend had a hard time remembering details of her two births, and would spontaneously remember things as we hung out. What I took away from everything she said is that in the end, the baby in your arms and the subsequent years diminishes the importance of the birth details. So, don't sweat it too much. No matter what happens, if all three of us make it home from the hospital intact then everything went really really well.
silly question -- would you recommend, or did you, or are you taking something of your own to wear during the birth?
1. I now have a nursung bra & pads, baby bath & grooming supplies, some diapers, several sets of things for Little M to sleep in, lots of burp cloths and swaddling blankets, baby thermometer, Moby wrap to carry her around in, and some other misc things. I even got a start on learning about car seats and strollers, and decided to go with an infant car seat (though I need to take Dh with me to finalize the decisions on this, as he said he doesn't really care about a lot of the details of baby gear but does want to help choose the car seat & stroller).
2. I came home and unpacked everything, washed two loads of baby laundry for the first time ever -- exciting! Realized that the baby monitor didn't have all the necessary part so will have to take that back. And through all of this, refined my list of things I still need to get. I am feeling much better, although there is still LOTS to do...
3. My friend had a hard time remembering details of her two births, and would spontaneously remember things as we hung out. What I took away from everything she said is that in the end, the baby in your arms and the subsequent years diminishes the importance of the birth details. So, don't sweat it too much. No matter what happens, if all three of us make it home from the hospital intact then everything went really really well.
silly question -- would you recommend, or did you, or are you taking something of your own to wear during the birth?
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Confession
I had a wonderful friend who was a professor in another department at the university where I worked before I moved to University-from-hell to be with Dh. We were hired at the same time, same age, and had somewhat parallel lives in terms of personal life (i.e., married young, got divorced, went back to grad school around the same time at the same university, etc.)
She is one of these amazingly kind and thoughtful people and extremely cool at the same time. Its a ridiculously attractive mix and I always adored her.
When I moved from University #1 she was moving away at the same time, both of us to pursue ways to fix our two-body problems in academia. We kind of lost touch, but she has a blog and I followed it regularly and we sent emails every couple of months or so.
She ended up returning to University #1 (long story), and I went back to visit almost 2 years ago. I spent a few nights with her and her husband, which gave us some good catch-up time. Amazingly, she was going through fertility/IF stuff too (I was just starting to emerge from my miscarriage deep depression). It was great to have an IRL heart-to-heart for the first time.
She was in the middle of her first IVF treatment at the time, and unfortunately got a BFN. Then she had IVF #2 and got pregnant.
I was happy for her, really, but overwhelmed with jealousy. I just couldn't stomach the thought of calling her on the phone and hearing her happy voice. And when she had her baby last February I sent a present but never called.
Yes, I am that infertile bitch.
I have felt really sick about it but knew I was never emotionally strong enough to do the right thing, the mature thing. So I fell off the radar screen and completely lost touch with her.
To make it even worse, I was in the same town with her when she was around 7 months pregnant and I didn't go see her. She even found out I was there and sent me an email saying she really wanted to see me... can you believe how bitchy I was being? Not cool, not cool at all. But I couldn't control it.
Do you ever watch yourself doing something you are not proud of but seem not to have any control over it?
I sent her an email today apologizing for being such a bitch, explaining that I wasn't dealing well with crap at work and really wasn't dealing well with my infertility. I was really really sorry, and hoped she could forgive me. And told her that I was 7 months pregnant.
She called me immediately and it was like we'd never lost touch. I really am horrible for how I acted. And she really is wonderful to instantly forgive me. She was so excited and has all kinds of advice, and esp advice about being a new mom professor that will be invaluable to me.
It never ceases to amaze me how there are some absolutely wonderful people out there who renew my faith in humanity. I wish I was more like her; it is a goal for me to work towards.
She is one of these amazingly kind and thoughtful people and extremely cool at the same time. Its a ridiculously attractive mix and I always adored her.
When I moved from University #1 she was moving away at the same time, both of us to pursue ways to fix our two-body problems in academia. We kind of lost touch, but she has a blog and I followed it regularly and we sent emails every couple of months or so.
She ended up returning to University #1 (long story), and I went back to visit almost 2 years ago. I spent a few nights with her and her husband, which gave us some good catch-up time. Amazingly, she was going through fertility/IF stuff too (I was just starting to emerge from my miscarriage deep depression). It was great to have an IRL heart-to-heart for the first time.
She was in the middle of her first IVF treatment at the time, and unfortunately got a BFN. Then she had IVF #2 and got pregnant.
I was happy for her, really, but overwhelmed with jealousy. I just couldn't stomach the thought of calling her on the phone and hearing her happy voice. And when she had her baby last February I sent a present but never called.
Yes, I am that infertile bitch.
I have felt really sick about it but knew I was never emotionally strong enough to do the right thing, the mature thing. So I fell off the radar screen and completely lost touch with her.
To make it even worse, I was in the same town with her when she was around 7 months pregnant and I didn't go see her. She even found out I was there and sent me an email saying she really wanted to see me... can you believe how bitchy I was being? Not cool, not cool at all. But I couldn't control it.
Do you ever watch yourself doing something you are not proud of but seem not to have any control over it?
I sent her an email today apologizing for being such a bitch, explaining that I wasn't dealing well with crap at work and really wasn't dealing well with my infertility. I was really really sorry, and hoped she could forgive me. And told her that I was 7 months pregnant.
She called me immediately and it was like we'd never lost touch. I really am horrible for how I acted. And she really is wonderful to instantly forgive me. She was so excited and has all kinds of advice, and esp advice about being a new mom professor that will be invaluable to me.
It never ceases to amaze me how there are some absolutely wonderful people out there who renew my faith in humanity. I wish I was more like her; it is a goal for me to work towards.
You'll love this one...
I've mentioned that some of the men at work have been oddly nice and warm to me now that I am obviously pregnant. However, do not labor under the illusion that everyone I work with is so compassionate and kind.
I want to share an asshole story with you.
I am serving on a search committee for a new faculty member in our department. I almost turned the committee assignment down, since I'm on leave, but I felt like I could do it and wanted to have a say in the process (plus, it's an honor to be asked). Oh, and the chair of the committee is going to try and railroad someone through whom many of us don't like, so I thought I could make an important difference.
Anyway, I'm on this committee, have worked hard on it and been instrumental at key points.
The chair of the committee just decided that each member would "host" a candidate when he visits (they are all men). This means meeting him for breakfast on the first morning, keeping an eye on their schedules, introducing him before his talk, making sure he is ok, etc. I've been on about 4 search committees before at this university and this is the first time the chair of the committee didn't "host" all the candidates himself. So that's weird.
But whatever.
The asshole thing is that the chair came into my office a month or so ago and acted all happy for me being pregnant (he blatantly asked). I didn't dwell on it but was thankful for his good wishes, and was upfront about my due date.
The candidates are all coming in February because another person on the committee mistakenly planned a lot of travel in January.
So, all these dinners and other obligations in February. Keep in mind I'm due March 8th and the committee chair knows this.
He sends out an email the other day suggesting who would "host" which candidate on what dates.
He signs me up to host the very last candidate who is coming a week before my due date.
Now, you might be thinking that the guy is just clueless about pregnancy and birth and didn't think about it when he assigned me to this date. But that would not be true because his wife just gave birth less than a year ago.
He did it intentionally so that I would have to either ask for it to be changed because of my "condition" or likely be unable to do this at the last minute because of my "condition". He wants me to have to say that I can't do something because I'm pregnant and be forced to ask for a favor/special accommodation.
And the department wonders why women feel hostility here... what an asshole. So not surprising.
I want to share an asshole story with you.
I am serving on a search committee for a new faculty member in our department. I almost turned the committee assignment down, since I'm on leave, but I felt like I could do it and wanted to have a say in the process (plus, it's an honor to be asked). Oh, and the chair of the committee is going to try and railroad someone through whom many of us don't like, so I thought I could make an important difference.
Anyway, I'm on this committee, have worked hard on it and been instrumental at key points.
The chair of the committee just decided that each member would "host" a candidate when he visits (they are all men). This means meeting him for breakfast on the first morning, keeping an eye on their schedules, introducing him before his talk, making sure he is ok, etc. I've been on about 4 search committees before at this university and this is the first time the chair of the committee didn't "host" all the candidates himself. So that's weird.
But whatever.
The asshole thing is that the chair came into my office a month or so ago and acted all happy for me being pregnant (he blatantly asked). I didn't dwell on it but was thankful for his good wishes, and was upfront about my due date.
The candidates are all coming in February because another person on the committee mistakenly planned a lot of travel in January.
So, all these dinners and other obligations in February. Keep in mind I'm due March 8th and the committee chair knows this.
He sends out an email the other day suggesting who would "host" which candidate on what dates.
He signs me up to host the very last candidate who is coming a week before my due date.
Now, you might be thinking that the guy is just clueless about pregnancy and birth and didn't think about it when he assigned me to this date. But that would not be true because his wife just gave birth less than a year ago.
He did it intentionally so that I would have to either ask for it to be changed because of my "condition" or likely be unable to do this at the last minute because of my "condition". He wants me to have to say that I can't do something because I'm pregnant and be forced to ask for a favor/special accommodation.
And the department wonders why women feel hostility here... what an asshole. So not surprising.
Monday, January 10, 2011
And then there were eight
Eight weeks left. Two months. Is this a long time or a short time?
Long, if you take my due date as an absolute or assume little M will come late. Short, if you are realistic and recognize that many babies are born a couple weeks early.
I'm not sure how to deal with the nebulous deadline. I am so used to absolute deadlines: grant proposal due on July 1st, two weeks to revise a manuscript, class at 2pm, exam on December 12th, a flight that leaves in 10 days, etc. This is kind of a new one for me, and continues on the theme that all of this infertility/fertility stuff follows: YOU HAVE NO CONTROL.
I rarely procrastinate in my professional life, although things are definitely prioritize by deadlines. I hate "running through airports" as the panic feeling makes me nauseous.
So this one is hard. I am hesitant to do too much right now because it feels too early (and presumptuous, because of course I have not entirely shaken the IF mentality of this not being for-real). Must shake that stupid mental approach. It could really backfire on me.
I won't panic, but in all honesty, I think I will do some serious baby shopping this weekend before it really freaks me out that I don't have blankets or shirts for little M to wear... or even a car seat to bring her home in.
Long, if you take my due date as an absolute or assume little M will come late. Short, if you are realistic and recognize that many babies are born a couple weeks early.
I'm not sure how to deal with the nebulous deadline. I am so used to absolute deadlines: grant proposal due on July 1st, two weeks to revise a manuscript, class at 2pm, exam on December 12th, a flight that leaves in 10 days, etc. This is kind of a new one for me, and continues on the theme that all of this infertility/fertility stuff follows: YOU HAVE NO CONTROL.
I rarely procrastinate in my professional life, although things are definitely prioritize by deadlines. I hate "running through airports" as the panic feeling makes me nauseous.
So this one is hard. I am hesitant to do too much right now because it feels too early (and presumptuous, because of course I have not entirely shaken the IF mentality of this not being for-real). Must shake that stupid mental approach. It could really backfire on me.
I won't panic, but in all honesty, I think I will do some serious baby shopping this weekend before it really freaks me out that I don't have blankets or shirts for little M to wear... or even a car seat to bring her home in.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Long post of reflections
I have had this lingering thought in the back of my mind that I should keep a journal, record things about the pregnancy in case my daughter might someday be interested in knowing the journey her mother took to meet her. But I haven't been able to bring myself to do it; it just feels presumptuous, or something.
It dawned on me that this blog is essentially the same thing, and I want to figure out a way to preserve it as my pregnancy journal (comments and all, as you all have been such an essential part of this journey).
That said, I decided that it might be good for me to write down some of my thoughts/feelings that are very pregnancy related, little things that feel so big to me but matter to no one else. Click away if this might make you nauseous or bored to tears... I totally understand.
The movement.
Little M has gotten so much stronger over the last month or so. Her movement and kicks were so cute at the beginning, just little hints that someone with her own volition was inside my belly. But now she exerts herself, does big movements that can take my breath away. Some movements are like a poke, sometimes on both sides at once like jumping jacks, sometimes I think she's trying to tickle me, sometimes she moves like a fish out of water wriggling around almost violently, while other times it's like I just went over the edge of a roller coaster and my entire guts just shifted. I can feel large and small body parts go by when I leave my hand on my belly for a while.
The other morning it felt like a foot pushing up against my upper belly for a few minutes. It was kind of a hard constant push and a little uncomfortable so I pushed back. She jerked away as if I had tickled her foot or caught her by surprise. I love that she sometimes interacts through my abdomen. I wonder if she can feel my hands when I rub my belly. I hope she likes it.
The physical changes in me.
I have been incredibly lucky with an easy pregnancy so far. I have a little swelling, but not so much that I am uncomfortable. Many of my shoes are not so comfortable to wear anymore, but I still have ankles and my feet look like my feet almost all of the time. My hands ache a little most of the time, which I think is a little bit due to swelling (since my rings are harder to get on and off) and some of the pregnancy-induced arthritis.
What does sometimes really hurt are my hips. By this I don't mean my lower back but the actual joint where my femurs attach to my pelvis. By the end of the day it is hard to feel comfortable. Exercise and stretching in the morning helps a lot, sitting still is bad, the car ride to the in-laws for Christmas really set me back, but I'm just about back to my "normal" amount of pain. I also get the sciatic nerve pain, but luckily exercise and not sitting still helps to keep that at bay. Oh, and the 5 pillows I sleep with at night. I have a body pillow on one side, a king pillow on the other, and anywhere from 2-3 regular pillows under my head. This way I can keep my hips properly aligned and also sort-of lay on my back (and stretch my pelvis) at an angle by leaning against the pillow behind me.
The pillows also keep Dh on his side of the bed, but sometimes he'll hug the one in the middle. The kitty loves all of the crevices the pillows make (super-good places for little cat nests). We may keep the pillows after little M gets here. They rock.
I find it really interesting how sensitive my body is about eating and resting now. If I don't have something to nibble on every couple of hours I get really tired and blucky feeling. If I remember to eat something I have much more energy (I don't usually feel hungry so it is something I have to remind myself to do -- although once I start eating I realize that I am really hungry).
Ok, the pregnancy-enhanced allergies really suck as I get some serious coughing fits that must scare the crap out of little M. She wriggles around afterwords, so I know I at least wake her up. And don't forget that I pee my pants with each coughing fit. That is getting really old already. I'm working on the kegels.
I have tiny little spider veins on my right shoulder, but they were more pronounced around Thanksgiving and have cleared up a bit.
My belly hasn't gotten any stretch marks yet and I feel so lucky. Since I tend to be quite warm (if not hot) most of the time, I find it incredibly comfortable to walk around the house with my shirt pulled up and my belly naked. I love how my belly looks and I love feeling little M's movements through only my skin.
My breasts increased in size quite a bit, as I have discussed previously, and my nipples are larger and more darkly pigmented. The skin on the top of my breasts is also darker, like a spotchy tan from an obscene bikini top. I wonder what the pigmentation is all about biologically. Luckily I don't have increased pigmentation anywhere else save for the faint line down my belly.
I love what pregnancy has done to the skin on my face. Amazing I tell you. Even in my late 30s I was prone to break-outs, but not now. I love it, and will really miss this when it's gone.
And I love what pregnancy has done to my hair. It's fuller and I don't have to wash it very often as it doesn't get greasy. Saves me so much time in the morning...
The emotional changes in me.
I feel happy. I feel content. I haven't had these feelings in a very long time. I won't lie -- it is as emotionally stabilizing as I fantasized it would be. Sure I get teary easily and there have been the rare moments, but overall I just don't give a shit about a lot of stuff anymore. I can honestly say that I feel happy, really happy and content.
I am surprised at how un-nervous I am. I guess this will change as my due date gets closer (given that I am nowhere near ready with diapers, crib, stroller, etc.) But I have this sense that it will come together, and that a lot of it I'll need to figure out once she's here -- I keep thinking that accommodations will depend a lot on her personality. Maybe I'm going to be in for a crazy shock, but for now I'll enjoy the calm before the storm.
I haven't dreamed of little M specifically since the one time back in September. I am now usually pregnant in my dreams, something that just started about a week ago. It does concern me though that I haven't seen her in my imagination, or dreamed of holding a baby. This seems counter to what all the baby books assume as normal.
A few weeks ago I woke up very cold in the middle of the night, shivering. I had kicked all the covers off because I'm usually so hot. As I shivered and tried to fall back asleep I started to panic. How will I know if little M is cold when she's sleeping?! I still don't have an answer to that, and the couple of mothers I've asked have given confident answers that told me basically nothing at all about how to do this.
The issue of work.
I have had some moments when I feel like this will never mesh well. How could I ever leave little M for my field work? And then other days I am sure that we will all be happier for the occasional break, and she needs to feel that other people in our family are trustable and love her.
While I did arrange for two of my graduate students to be paid research assistants over the next semester (one to run one research project and the other to help with another project), and I put in for leave, notified committee chairs, etc., I still don't have any plans about child care or baby sitters or anything like that. I know I should, but how do I make decisions about something when I don't know how I'll feel? Maybe I'll be starving for time at school, maybe I will want to mostly work from home. I have no idea.
I have no idea how this is going to work, but I know that it will work out one way or another. Hindsight will be 20/20 and I'll wish I had planned ahead better. But right now I just have no idea how to plan ahead on this front.
But I feel surprisingly un-freak-out about it all. Super surprising, if you had known me a few years ago.
It dawned on me that this blog is essentially the same thing, and I want to figure out a way to preserve it as my pregnancy journal (comments and all, as you all have been such an essential part of this journey).
That said, I decided that it might be good for me to write down some of my thoughts/feelings that are very pregnancy related, little things that feel so big to me but matter to no one else. Click away if this might make you nauseous or bored to tears... I totally understand.
The movement.
Little M has gotten so much stronger over the last month or so. Her movement and kicks were so cute at the beginning, just little hints that someone with her own volition was inside my belly. But now she exerts herself, does big movements that can take my breath away. Some movements are like a poke, sometimes on both sides at once like jumping jacks, sometimes I think she's trying to tickle me, sometimes she moves like a fish out of water wriggling around almost violently, while other times it's like I just went over the edge of a roller coaster and my entire guts just shifted. I can feel large and small body parts go by when I leave my hand on my belly for a while.
The other morning it felt like a foot pushing up against my upper belly for a few minutes. It was kind of a hard constant push and a little uncomfortable so I pushed back. She jerked away as if I had tickled her foot or caught her by surprise. I love that she sometimes interacts through my abdomen. I wonder if she can feel my hands when I rub my belly. I hope she likes it.
The physical changes in me.
I have been incredibly lucky with an easy pregnancy so far. I have a little swelling, but not so much that I am uncomfortable. Many of my shoes are not so comfortable to wear anymore, but I still have ankles and my feet look like my feet almost all of the time. My hands ache a little most of the time, which I think is a little bit due to swelling (since my rings are harder to get on and off) and some of the pregnancy-induced arthritis.
What does sometimes really hurt are my hips. By this I don't mean my lower back but the actual joint where my femurs attach to my pelvis. By the end of the day it is hard to feel comfortable. Exercise and stretching in the morning helps a lot, sitting still is bad, the car ride to the in-laws for Christmas really set me back, but I'm just about back to my "normal" amount of pain. I also get the sciatic nerve pain, but luckily exercise and not sitting still helps to keep that at bay. Oh, and the 5 pillows I sleep with at night. I have a body pillow on one side, a king pillow on the other, and anywhere from 2-3 regular pillows under my head. This way I can keep my hips properly aligned and also sort-of lay on my back (and stretch my pelvis) at an angle by leaning against the pillow behind me.
The pillows also keep Dh on his side of the bed, but sometimes he'll hug the one in the middle. The kitty loves all of the crevices the pillows make (super-good places for little cat nests). We may keep the pillows after little M gets here. They rock.
I find it really interesting how sensitive my body is about eating and resting now. If I don't have something to nibble on every couple of hours I get really tired and blucky feeling. If I remember to eat something I have much more energy (I don't usually feel hungry so it is something I have to remind myself to do -- although once I start eating I realize that I am really hungry).
Ok, the pregnancy-enhanced allergies really suck as I get some serious coughing fits that must scare the crap out of little M. She wriggles around afterwords, so I know I at least wake her up. And don't forget that I pee my pants with each coughing fit. That is getting really old already. I'm working on the kegels.
I have tiny little spider veins on my right shoulder, but they were more pronounced around Thanksgiving and have cleared up a bit.
My belly hasn't gotten any stretch marks yet and I feel so lucky. Since I tend to be quite warm (if not hot) most of the time, I find it incredibly comfortable to walk around the house with my shirt pulled up and my belly naked. I love how my belly looks and I love feeling little M's movements through only my skin.
My breasts increased in size quite a bit, as I have discussed previously, and my nipples are larger and more darkly pigmented. The skin on the top of my breasts is also darker, like a spotchy tan from an obscene bikini top. I wonder what the pigmentation is all about biologically. Luckily I don't have increased pigmentation anywhere else save for the faint line down my belly.
I love what pregnancy has done to the skin on my face. Amazing I tell you. Even in my late 30s I was prone to break-outs, but not now. I love it, and will really miss this when it's gone.
And I love what pregnancy has done to my hair. It's fuller and I don't have to wash it very often as it doesn't get greasy. Saves me so much time in the morning...
The emotional changes in me.
I feel happy. I feel content. I haven't had these feelings in a very long time. I won't lie -- it is as emotionally stabilizing as I fantasized it would be. Sure I get teary easily and there have been the rare moments, but overall I just don't give a shit about a lot of stuff anymore. I can honestly say that I feel happy, really happy and content.
I am surprised at how un-nervous I am. I guess this will change as my due date gets closer (given that I am nowhere near ready with diapers, crib, stroller, etc.) But I have this sense that it will come together, and that a lot of it I'll need to figure out once she's here -- I keep thinking that accommodations will depend a lot on her personality. Maybe I'm going to be in for a crazy shock, but for now I'll enjoy the calm before the storm.
I haven't dreamed of little M specifically since the one time back in September. I am now usually pregnant in my dreams, something that just started about a week ago. It does concern me though that I haven't seen her in my imagination, or dreamed of holding a baby. This seems counter to what all the baby books assume as normal.
A few weeks ago I woke up very cold in the middle of the night, shivering. I had kicked all the covers off because I'm usually so hot. As I shivered and tried to fall back asleep I started to panic. How will I know if little M is cold when she's sleeping?! I still don't have an answer to that, and the couple of mothers I've asked have given confident answers that told me basically nothing at all about how to do this.
The issue of work.
I have had some moments when I feel like this will never mesh well. How could I ever leave little M for my field work? And then other days I am sure that we will all be happier for the occasional break, and she needs to feel that other people in our family are trustable and love her.
While I did arrange for two of my graduate students to be paid research assistants over the next semester (one to run one research project and the other to help with another project), and I put in for leave, notified committee chairs, etc., I still don't have any plans about child care or baby sitters or anything like that. I know I should, but how do I make decisions about something when I don't know how I'll feel? Maybe I'll be starving for time at school, maybe I will want to mostly work from home. I have no idea.
I have no idea how this is going to work, but I know that it will work out one way or another. Hindsight will be 20/20 and I'll wish I had planned ahead better. But right now I just have no idea how to plan ahead on this front.
But I feel surprisingly un-freak-out about it all. Super surprising, if you had known me a few years ago.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Birth Class
We had our first birth class tonight. It was so amazing to make it to a day that felt so far off for so long. When I signed us up for the class it felt silly, like there was no way I'd still be pregnant that far off in time. But here we are! 31 weeks.
It was amazing to walk into the hospital and realize that I will most likely walk out of there with a baby in two months...
But class. I wanted to tell you all a little about it because some of it really got my knickers in a twist.
A very hip looking couple walked in 15 minutes late and clearly hadn't registered. Turns out they already had one baby but came to the first-baby class because they had expected to go with an epidural for the first delivery only to find out that it didn't work for her, so they wanted to learn some pain-coping strategies.
I disliked them from the get-go. They talked about how their son was born 1.5 years ago and had meant to wait longer before having another, but when she went in to get an IUD they found out that she was pregnant.
Give me a &)!$&#% break. Why do people pretend to be surprised that they got pregnant when they didn't use birth control? These really aren't surprise babies at all. These are my-parents-are-raving-assholes babies, and particularly disgusting to those of us who have lived in IF land.
This couple then proceeded to repeatedly talk about what a horrible birth experience they had, how the hospital wouldn't tell them anything (though pls note that THEY were the ones who decided not to take the birth class the first time around), how she wasn't allowed to even have ice chips, etc. From everything that we just learned was standard practice at this very same hospital, their story made no sense. I think 80% of what they said was a lie, complete bullshit. Drama queens. I hope they don't come back.
I hated them for all of the IF world, as they are exactly the self-righteous, overly-fertile jerks that make our lives hell and like doing so.
Otherwise class was pretty good. Dh and I couldn't stop giggling through the breathing lesson, and I had to fart so it was impossible to relax with each breath, which just made the laughing harder to stop (because of course I told Dh about the need to fart...)
It was amazing to walk into the hospital and realize that I will most likely walk out of there with a baby in two months...
But class. I wanted to tell you all a little about it because some of it really got my knickers in a twist.
A very hip looking couple walked in 15 minutes late and clearly hadn't registered. Turns out they already had one baby but came to the first-baby class because they had expected to go with an epidural for the first delivery only to find out that it didn't work for her, so they wanted to learn some pain-coping strategies.
I disliked them from the get-go. They talked about how their son was born 1.5 years ago and had meant to wait longer before having another, but when she went in to get an IUD they found out that she was pregnant.
Give me a &)!$&#% break. Why do people pretend to be surprised that they got pregnant when they didn't use birth control? These really aren't surprise babies at all. These are my-parents-are-raving-assholes babies, and particularly disgusting to those of us who have lived in IF land.
This couple then proceeded to repeatedly talk about what a horrible birth experience they had, how the hospital wouldn't tell them anything (though pls note that THEY were the ones who decided not to take the birth class the first time around), how she wasn't allowed to even have ice chips, etc. From everything that we just learned was standard practice at this very same hospital, their story made no sense. I think 80% of what they said was a lie, complete bullshit. Drama queens. I hope they don't come back.
I hated them for all of the IF world, as they are exactly the self-righteous, overly-fertile jerks that make our lives hell and like doing so.
Otherwise class was pretty good. Dh and I couldn't stop giggling through the breathing lesson, and I had to fart so it was impossible to relax with each breath, which just made the laughing harder to stop (because of course I told Dh about the need to fart...)
Monday, January 3, 2011
The holidays
I've been going back and forth on how to write this post. Our holidays with the in-laws were, well, so-so. Please forgive me in advance for my inability to maintain maturity. :)
Dh got home safe and sound though a little sick and a lot jet-lagged. His flight landed around 6pm on Wednesday and we left our house at 1pm on Thursday to drive the 10 hours to his parent's for Christmas. I had made arrangements to stay at a pretty nice hotel about a 4 hour drive from our place that first night.
Things went really well that first day, just the two of us packing up and driving down. We had a decent dinner at the hotel, but my allergies were bothering me and I ended the meal with a huge coughing fit that resulted in my peeing my pants (literally, pee dripping down my legs).
Dh was a super-champ about it -- what a harsh welcome back to pregnancy land! I have coughing fits a lot so he's used to that, and the "I just peed my pants and have to go to the room" thing didn't seem to phase him. He paid the bill and brought up all our luggage to the room by himself while I went and cleaned myself up and licked the wounds to whatever dignity I might have still had left after the last two years of IF.
We arrived at his parent's place just after dark the next day (Christmas eve). We tied a bow around my belly. When we walked in (and they didn't seem to notice) we said that we wanted to give them their big present early -- a granddaughter!
The reaction:
The mother-in-law: leans over and hangs her head over the counter.
The father-in-law: hugs me and immediately cheers congratulations.
Back to the mother-in-law: stands back up and says, "well, are you two happy about this?"
Needless to say, this was only half the reaction we expected. It continued to get worse, as my being pregnant became the elephant in the room that no one would talk about except Dh and me. Dh would constantly refer to my being pregnant, to our daughter on the way, etc. FIL asked a couple of questions here and there over the next 5 days but MIL was pretty pissed and wouldn't acknowledge the conversation topic.
And she wouldn't feed me. She's got this weird thing about food where she is ridiculously miserly in the servings. This is a mixed blessing because she's a terrible cook. I typically think of my visits to their house as an opportunity to go on a little diet, but I can't do that right now. I feel really sick if I don't eat, and I need to eat food I feel good about. Her food does not fall under that category by any definition (i.e., lots of instant and low-quality stuff that isn't cooked quite right). Add on the fact that she has apparently given up using dish soap, and you'll understand why I was pretty concerned about getting food poisoning.
So she was also pissed that we brought some food with us (like steel-cut oats to cook for breakfast instead of eating through the 10-year old 50 pound bag of oatmeal she got at the mormon church for a good price, except that it was a good price because it hadn't been husked quite right and contains sharp pieces that do not qualify as "oats"). And I took real milk because watered-down instant milk just sucks. And fresh veggies, I took fresh veggies because frozen celery reheated in the microwave is disgusting.
She was additionally pissed about what a pig I am. She kept trying to only give me super meager servings, like part of a banana or apple. Apparently in her world these fruits should be shared by at least 2-4 people per piece. At the first breakfast Dh forcefully pushed back and said that I was going to eat the whole banana because I am pregnant and need to. I loved that he defended me and was looking out for little M, but it pissed me off royally that every meal was a fight and lead to bad feelings all around. Such a contrast to my family that kept pushing me to finish off the last bits of particularly healthy foods.
Christmas dinner absolutely sucked. She made instant mashed potatoes (that I can barely stomach even to be polite), a "pork roast" that looked and tasted a lot like a roll of bologna (which again, I don't care for and shouldn't eat right now; Dh doesn't even like pork, needless to say faux pork), and some stale roles that a neighbor made and mailed special for Dh to have. Yes, I said that she mailed them... I insisted on making salad, professing a craving. She had planned on making a salad that consisted of one leaf of lettuce split between four people. I augmented with a lot more lettuce and other veggies (that she insisted they were allergic too and couldn't eat -- are people really allergic to cucumbers and bell peppers? that was a new one for me). That worked out ok though because at least Dh and I had salad to fill our bellies.
Dh tells me that he spent quite a bit of his childhood kind of hungry. This makes me very, very sad.
We did try to go out to eat a couple of times, but this was equally bad. MIL complained and complained about how the restaurant was terrible compared to what it was 20 years before, had been "junked up by prostitutes" (explanation: any woman not dressed ridiculously modestly is a prostitute in her mind), a waste of money, too loud, we were all eating too much, etc. Pick your poison, literally.
One of the particularly hard things about this food situation for Dh is that his dad just finished radiation therapy for his cancer. He was a very thin man to begin with but lost about 30 pounds over the last few months. He's been sent to nutritionists because he seriously needs to gain weight. But his wife controls all the food in the house and she won't feed him more than what he was eating before the cancer, when he was maintaining a very thin weight. But even worse, she read somewhere that sugar feeds cancer cells (note: sugar feeds ALL cells) so she won't let him put sugar on his oatmeal in the morning anymore. Needless to say, between the partial servings and the disgusting food, he's hungry but not gaining any weight. This was so hard for Dh as he can see that his mother is making his father more sick. We tried to make suggestions or to make things that FIL liked and would eat lots of (like my steel-cut oats, of which he'd eat more than a serving at every breakfast), but it just kept pissing his mom off more and more.
The visit did not end on a good note. I hadn't seen Dh so perky since he's been back as he was the morning we were leaving. I almost asked him to tone it down, except at that point I was so irked too that I just didn't care.
Overall, it was good to see his parents. They've had a really tough 6 months and I can imagine that his mom is in a really emotionally complicated place. But it was still hard to endure all the complaining, negativity, and meanness, especially about little M and especially towards their son who is really excited about his daughter.
One wonderful side bonus to having little M next time we go down there is that we'll have the perfect excuse to stay in a hotel instead of their trailer. The place is just too dang small, and in all honesty, I wouldn't want my little baby in a place that hadn't been vacuumed in about a year. It was gross... (I'm so mean, I know it. Please forgive me.)
It's great to be home.
Dh got home safe and sound though a little sick and a lot jet-lagged. His flight landed around 6pm on Wednesday and we left our house at 1pm on Thursday to drive the 10 hours to his parent's for Christmas. I had made arrangements to stay at a pretty nice hotel about a 4 hour drive from our place that first night.
Things went really well that first day, just the two of us packing up and driving down. We had a decent dinner at the hotel, but my allergies were bothering me and I ended the meal with a huge coughing fit that resulted in my peeing my pants (literally, pee dripping down my legs).
Dh was a super-champ about it -- what a harsh welcome back to pregnancy land! I have coughing fits a lot so he's used to that, and the "I just peed my pants and have to go to the room" thing didn't seem to phase him. He paid the bill and brought up all our luggage to the room by himself while I went and cleaned myself up and licked the wounds to whatever dignity I might have still had left after the last two years of IF.
We arrived at his parent's place just after dark the next day (Christmas eve). We tied a bow around my belly. When we walked in (and they didn't seem to notice) we said that we wanted to give them their big present early -- a granddaughter!
The reaction:
The mother-in-law: leans over and hangs her head over the counter.
The father-in-law: hugs me and immediately cheers congratulations.
Back to the mother-in-law: stands back up and says, "well, are you two happy about this?"
Needless to say, this was only half the reaction we expected. It continued to get worse, as my being pregnant became the elephant in the room that no one would talk about except Dh and me. Dh would constantly refer to my being pregnant, to our daughter on the way, etc. FIL asked a couple of questions here and there over the next 5 days but MIL was pretty pissed and wouldn't acknowledge the conversation topic.
And she wouldn't feed me. She's got this weird thing about food where she is ridiculously miserly in the servings. This is a mixed blessing because she's a terrible cook. I typically think of my visits to their house as an opportunity to go on a little diet, but I can't do that right now. I feel really sick if I don't eat, and I need to eat food I feel good about. Her food does not fall under that category by any definition (i.e., lots of instant and low-quality stuff that isn't cooked quite right). Add on the fact that she has apparently given up using dish soap, and you'll understand why I was pretty concerned about getting food poisoning.
So she was also pissed that we brought some food with us (like steel-cut oats to cook for breakfast instead of eating through the 10-year old 50 pound bag of oatmeal she got at the mormon church for a good price, except that it was a good price because it hadn't been husked quite right and contains sharp pieces that do not qualify as "oats"). And I took real milk because watered-down instant milk just sucks. And fresh veggies, I took fresh veggies because frozen celery reheated in the microwave is disgusting.
She was additionally pissed about what a pig I am. She kept trying to only give me super meager servings, like part of a banana or apple. Apparently in her world these fruits should be shared by at least 2-4 people per piece. At the first breakfast Dh forcefully pushed back and said that I was going to eat the whole banana because I am pregnant and need to. I loved that he defended me and was looking out for little M, but it pissed me off royally that every meal was a fight and lead to bad feelings all around. Such a contrast to my family that kept pushing me to finish off the last bits of particularly healthy foods.
Christmas dinner absolutely sucked. She made instant mashed potatoes (that I can barely stomach even to be polite), a "pork roast" that looked and tasted a lot like a roll of bologna (which again, I don't care for and shouldn't eat right now; Dh doesn't even like pork, needless to say faux pork), and some stale roles that a neighbor made and mailed special for Dh to have. Yes, I said that she mailed them... I insisted on making salad, professing a craving. She had planned on making a salad that consisted of one leaf of lettuce split between four people. I augmented with a lot more lettuce and other veggies (that she insisted they were allergic too and couldn't eat -- are people really allergic to cucumbers and bell peppers? that was a new one for me). That worked out ok though because at least Dh and I had salad to fill our bellies.
Dh tells me that he spent quite a bit of his childhood kind of hungry. This makes me very, very sad.
We did try to go out to eat a couple of times, but this was equally bad. MIL complained and complained about how the restaurant was terrible compared to what it was 20 years before, had been "junked up by prostitutes" (explanation: any woman not dressed ridiculously modestly is a prostitute in her mind), a waste of money, too loud, we were all eating too much, etc. Pick your poison, literally.
One of the particularly hard things about this food situation for Dh is that his dad just finished radiation therapy for his cancer. He was a very thin man to begin with but lost about 30 pounds over the last few months. He's been sent to nutritionists because he seriously needs to gain weight. But his wife controls all the food in the house and she won't feed him more than what he was eating before the cancer, when he was maintaining a very thin weight. But even worse, she read somewhere that sugar feeds cancer cells (note: sugar feeds ALL cells) so she won't let him put sugar on his oatmeal in the morning anymore. Needless to say, between the partial servings and the disgusting food, he's hungry but not gaining any weight. This was so hard for Dh as he can see that his mother is making his father more sick. We tried to make suggestions or to make things that FIL liked and would eat lots of (like my steel-cut oats, of which he'd eat more than a serving at every breakfast), but it just kept pissing his mom off more and more.
The visit did not end on a good note. I hadn't seen Dh so perky since he's been back as he was the morning we were leaving. I almost asked him to tone it down, except at that point I was so irked too that I just didn't care.
Overall, it was good to see his parents. They've had a really tough 6 months and I can imagine that his mom is in a really emotionally complicated place. But it was still hard to endure all the complaining, negativity, and meanness, especially about little M and especially towards their son who is really excited about his daughter.
One wonderful side bonus to having little M next time we go down there is that we'll have the perfect excuse to stay in a hotel instead of their trailer. The place is just too dang small, and in all honesty, I wouldn't want my little baby in a place that hadn't been vacuumed in about a year. It was gross... (I'm so mean, I know it. Please forgive me.)
It's great to be home.
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