Confession

I had a wonderful friend who was a professor in another department at the university where I worked before I moved to University-from-hell to be with Dh.  We were hired at the same time, same age, and had somewhat parallel lives in terms of personal life (i.e., married young, got divorced, went back to grad school around the same time at the same university, etc.)

She is one of these amazingly kind and thoughtful people and extremely cool at the same time.  Its a ridiculously attractive mix and I always adored her.

When I moved from University #1 she was moving away at the same time, both of us to pursue ways to fix our two-body problems in academia.  We kind of lost touch, but she has a blog and I followed it regularly and we sent emails every couple of months or so.

She ended up returning to University #1 (long story), and I went back to visit almost 2 years ago.  I spent a few nights with her and her husband, which gave us some good catch-up time.  Amazingly, she was going through fertility/IF stuff too (I was just starting to emerge from my miscarriage deep depression).  It was great to have an IRL heart-to-heart for the first time.

She was in the middle of her first IVF treatment at the time, and unfortunately got a BFN.  Then she had IVF #2 and got pregnant. 

I was happy for her, really, but overwhelmed with jealousy.  I just couldn't stomach the thought of calling her on the phone and hearing her happy voice.  And when she had her baby last February I sent a present but never called.

Yes, I am that infertile bitch.

I have felt really sick about it but knew I was never emotionally strong enough to do the right thing, the mature thing.  So I fell off the radar screen and completely lost touch with her.

To make it even worse, I was in the same town with her when she was around 7 months pregnant and I didn't go see her.  She even found out I was there and sent me an email saying she really wanted to see me...  can you believe how bitchy I was being?  Not cool, not cool at all.  But I couldn't control it.

Do you ever watch yourself doing something you are not proud of but seem not to have any control over it? 

I sent her an email today apologizing for being such a bitch, explaining that I wasn't dealing well with crap at work and really wasn't dealing well with my infertility.  I was really really sorry, and hoped she could forgive me.  And told her that I was 7 months pregnant.

She called me immediately and it was like we'd never lost touch.  I really am horrible for how I acted.  And she really is wonderful to instantly forgive me.  She was so excited and has all kinds of advice, and esp advice about being a new mom professor that will be invaluable to me. 

It never ceases to amaze me how there are some absolutely wonderful people out there who renew my faith in humanity.  I wish I was more like her; it is a goal for me to work towards.