I had a wonderful friend who was a professor in another department at the university where I worked before I moved to University-from-hell to be with Dh. We were hired at the same time, same age, and had somewhat parallel lives in terms of personal life (i.e., married young, got divorced, went back to grad school around the same time at the same university, etc.)
She is one of these amazingly kind and thoughtful people and extremely cool at the same time. Its a ridiculously attractive mix and I always adored her.
When I moved from University #1 she was moving away at the same time, both of us to pursue ways to fix our two-body problems in academia. We kind of lost touch, but she has a blog and I followed it regularly and we sent emails every couple of months or so.
She ended up returning to University #1 (long story), and I went back to visit almost 2 years ago. I spent a few nights with her and her husband, which gave us some good catch-up time. Amazingly, she was going through fertility/IF stuff too (I was just starting to emerge from my miscarriage deep depression). It was great to have an IRL heart-to-heart for the first time.
She was in the middle of her first IVF treatment at the time, and unfortunately got a BFN. Then she had IVF #2 and got pregnant.
I was happy for her, really, but overwhelmed with jealousy. I just couldn't stomach the thought of calling her on the phone and hearing her happy voice. And when she had her baby last February I sent a present but never called.
Yes, I am that infertile bitch.
I have felt really sick about it but knew I was never emotionally strong enough to do the right thing, the mature thing. So I fell off the radar screen and completely lost touch with her.
To make it even worse, I was in the same town with her when she was around 7 months pregnant and I didn't go see her. She even found out I was there and sent me an email saying she really wanted to see me... can you believe how bitchy I was being? Not cool, not cool at all. But I couldn't control it.
Do you ever watch yourself doing something you are not proud of but seem not to have any control over it?
I sent her an email today apologizing for being such a bitch, explaining that I wasn't dealing well with crap at work and really wasn't dealing well with my infertility. I was really really sorry, and hoped she could forgive me. And told her that I was 7 months pregnant.
She called me immediately and it was like we'd never lost touch. I really am horrible for how I acted. And she really is wonderful to instantly forgive me. She was so excited and has all kinds of advice, and esp advice about being a new mom professor that will be invaluable to me.
It never ceases to amaze me how there are some absolutely wonderful people out there who renew my faith in humanity. I wish I was more like her; it is a goal for me to work towards.
You are not a bitch. You were protecting yourself. And you are absolutely wonderful - I can personally attest to that! I'm so glad she responded so well.
ReplyDeleteI have done my share of avoidance as well. I, too, have a friend who struggled with her fertility but now has 3 kids. She didn't even TELL me she was pregnant with the third until after he was born and I happened to call her! I don't feel like I can contact her until I'm pregnant, too, for some reason.
7 months! Woo hoo! I remember when you were deciding whether or not to cycle this past summer! Sooooooo happy that you did! :-)
Love,
Maddy
The thing is ... she probably understood exactly why you were behaving the way you did. And perhaps she wouldn't have done the same in your shoes, but the best of friends can separate the chaff from the grain in a friendship. I'm glad that you have this woman in your life ... and that you've reconnected.
ReplyDeleteI think that you are being too hard on yourself -- we all know (and give each other the advice) to do what is necessary to protect our hearts when we are fragile. And so that's what you did. She gets it and that you have come back to her and been so honest about what you were doing and why can only help strengthen your relationship.
ReplyDeleteI've had much the same experience with a friend, and it's wonderful to have them back. I'm happy that this has resolved and want you to stop feeling guilty!
I am sure your friend is just thrilled to have you back-- that's how I would feel anyways. As the others have said, I am sure she understood why you couldn't deal with her at the time. And you DID send her a present-- you weren't as much of a bitch as you think. You just needed space. I am so happy you were able to reconnect, and I hope you are able to truly pick up where you left off.
ReplyDeletePS -- Have I mentioned that I really like that we are both on the same schedule and are going to have babies at about the same time? It's been awesome for me to read about your experiences -- so resonant with mine!
ReplyDelete