I have moments where it is amazing to feel like I am entering into the community of mommies, but I am realizing that the community is so ridiculously large and diverse that it is essentially meaningless to the people who are in it. There is no welcome letter or ceremony to learn the secret handshake. There is no sense of camaraderie from what I can tell. I think it is only a community if you find yourself outside of it. This should not come as a surprise to me, but it kind of does.
And while family members are happy for us (or not), I don't think anyone else thinks about little M every day. Even Dh seems to be able to go most of the day without bringing her up in conversation. The other night Dh commented that he is annoyed when people say "we are pregnant" since I am pregnant, not him.
All of this makes me feel alone and protective, like it is just me and little M, and that I have to really look out for her because no one else will. I am realizing that her impending birth really isn't a big deal to anybody else but the two of us.
Which makes sense. Of course it is like this. But this totally made me bawl last night when I came to this realization. And it makes me feel really hyper-attached and connected to little M -- we are connected to each other more deeply than we are to anyone else, and more to each other than anyone else is to either of us.
So why was I crying? I guess because I feel disappointed on some level to realize that something that means so much to me is so incredibly mundane to essentially everyone else. What a strange thing. And kind of lonely.
Here I am at 33 weeks tomorrow. Un-freaking-believable. And hard to believe my belly can get any bigger. The fuzzy thing on the floor in front of me is a bear footstool for little M's room. I should have turned him so you can see his face; he's super cute. She's going to love him.
I want to see your baby bump!!! I do I do.....maybe there are lots of woman out there who think that pregnancy and motherhood is just "something we do" but you and I (and the rest of this community) know better. Getting pregnant is a miracle and NOT mundane in anyway. Perhaps thats why you feel SO connected with little M, because you know how incredibly special it is that she is here with you. Because of my line of work I get to see MANY (too many) pregnant woman and I am ALWAYS surprised by how disconnected they are with their babies, how much they complain, how little they think about the babies feelings. This plays a role in the birth too, it is important to think of it as something your doing together, it makes a big difference. I know you feel alone right now, but know that we are all here rooting for you and thinking that this is the BEST picture of a baby bump ever!
ReplyDeleteAll of us here who follow your blog thing M's birth is a MAJOR event and definitely want to see belly pics!!! This pregnancy and her birth are huge events, she is going to change the world she lives in and affect many people throughout her life so yes my dear it is something to talk about and get excited for and all of us here will be looking forward to celebrating with you and enjoying the next part of this journey. You my friend are most definitely not alone ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your baby bump, I am always thrilled when people share theirs, although I never push because many of us like to remain anonymous or are just private. So thank you thank thank you! We care, and I know were just strangers, but really you and little M are in my thoughts and prayers and list of things to do (read blog updates) as often as you provide them. You are not alone. At least not out here in this virtual world. xoxoxoxoxoxox
ReplyDeleteYou are beautiful ... and I'm glad that you showed us your belly! I work in a building full of women, so I confess that people ask me often how I'm feeling, but strangely enough, I don't feel like they really care ... and I often feel like this community, like the people who follow my blog and know me only online, are more excited about this event than anyone else I know (including my husband, who is an engineer, and takes birth, like everything else, in a very matter-of-fact way).
ReplyDeleteIt's true that there's no secret handshake, and the camaraderie you find with other moms isn't automatic ... like any other group, you sort of have to find the "tribe" that fits you (I was more or less kicked out by two before I started my own, after the birth of my son).
I'm with Kim ... you may feel lonely, but you're not alone ... and we think often of you and baby M., sending so much love for her safe arrival in the world. Sometimes the anonymity of blogging is so frustrating ... because I'd love to create a moms' group for the amazing women I've met here, who have been fortunate enough to see pregnancy through to the miracle of a living child. Hang in there.
I have just started to experience much of what you've just described. Not that I think that I'm any more special than any other pregnant woman, but pregnancy after IF/RPL is completely different. You're right, too, that you're always the one who is pregnant and it's always with you every moment of every day.
ReplyDeleteYou look fabulous!! :)
I can relate to what you're saying especially since I'm single (and before the twins lived alone for 15 years) but trust me, when she's born, it will be the biggest event EVER for your family and friends. I promise. :)
ReplyDeleteYou look great-- so skinny (besides the bump)! I, meanwhile, feel like a whale!
ReplyDeleteI get the loneliness thing. I've posted about it, too (I think on my old blog). I've chalked it up to pregnancy hormones, myself. I don't feel it now, but have passed through several phases of it throughout this pregnancy. I could never attribute an external cause, though, thus the hormonal attribution.
I hope this is temporary for you too-- and as others have said here, WE are all very, very interested and invested in little M and your journey through this pregnancy.
You are beautiful... love the baby bump. You look skinny and toned with a cute baby bump. I can't wait to see pictures of your baby.
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