My period started this morning. It breaks my heart to reach the end of this pregnancy/birth experience. I wanted it for so long and cherished every second of it. I wish I could somehow hold onto this phase of my life for a little longer, but alas, the inevitability of time has turned this into a memory now too.
Maddy's color-code at the RE's office way back when was light blue or brown. Her color-code at daycare is light blue. Funny coincidence.
Showing posts with label pregnancy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pregnancy. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Friday, July 1, 2011
A year's worth
July 2, 2010: I was a phone call from the RE's office.
July 1, 2011: I discovered my feet. My mama is very, very nostalgic today.
July 1, 2011: I discovered my feet. My mama is very, very nostalgic today.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
birth control
I had my 6 week post-birth OB appointment on Monday. The dr talked to me about birth control. It was a surreal conversation in which I found myself incapable of participating. She gave me a prescription for the pill (progesterone only). I picked it up today from the pharmacy but I don't know about using it.
How do you go from years of IF and yearning for a baby to actively keeping a baby from being made? I have a pretty minimal chance of conceiving without medical intervention but I know that it could theoretically happen. I should consider, I should plan accordingly. But deep down I feel conflicted.
Do I want another baby?
That's a question I'm afraid to ask myself.
I don't want to decide that the answer is "yes" and then spend time and emotional energy trying to make it happen. I don't want to confront IF again. I feel strongly that I should continue to count myself incredibly lucky for what I do have. I would hate to miss enjoying a phase of M's life because I was IF-preoccupied again.
But saying "no" feels wrong. I wanted a baby so deeply that now it feels wrong to say that I don't want another one. I feel like I should take all that I can get. If I could actually get pregnant again I almost feel like I shouldn't squander the opportunity.
Any action or inaction represents a decision, and I really don't want to have to make it.
How do you go from years of IF and yearning for a baby to actively keeping a baby from being made? I have a pretty minimal chance of conceiving without medical intervention but I know that it could theoretically happen. I should consider, I should plan accordingly. But deep down I feel conflicted.
Do I want another baby?
That's a question I'm afraid to ask myself.
I don't want to decide that the answer is "yes" and then spend time and emotional energy trying to make it happen. I don't want to confront IF again. I feel strongly that I should continue to count myself incredibly lucky for what I do have. I would hate to miss enjoying a phase of M's life because I was IF-preoccupied again.
But saying "no" feels wrong. I wanted a baby so deeply that now it feels wrong to say that I don't want another one. I feel like I should take all that I can get. If I could actually get pregnant again I almost feel like I shouldn't squander the opportunity.
Any action or inaction represents a decision, and I really don't want to have to make it.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Inappropriate thoughts
1) When my baby nurses it sounds like the audio to a porno flick with all the moaning, sucking, and heavy breathing. Dh and I look at each other and laugh every time.
2) My baby has developed a sad case of baby acne. Sometimes I can't help but think it detracts from her cuteness, but then the next minute I look at her she looks angelic and sweet and I feel really guilty for thinking momentarily that she wasn't cute.
3) When I bend over to wrap my hair in a towel after showering my breasts drip milk, seriously drip milk, and I feel like a cow. A cow with really big boobs.
4) I can't help but worry that I will never lose the last 15 pounds of my pregnancy weight even though I know it takes time. Patience is not one of my virtues and I am really tired of wearing my two pairs of pregnancy pants. It is bad enough that I won't be able to wear any of my pre-pregnancy shirts until I stop breast feeding. You'd think I could at least get a break and get to wear my pre-pregnancy pants sometime soon. (I feel like a big baby writing that, but I can't help feeling it.)
5) I seriously want to have sex again. Do we really need to wait the full 6 weeks after delivery or have some of you "cheated" and done it earlier? What are the implications? I haven't had sex in almost an entire freaking year, since I didn't get to get pregnant the old fashioned way and then we were way too worried about losing the baby to do anything while I was pregnant. I hate to admit this, but it I really need to get it off of my chest by confessing.
2) My baby has developed a sad case of baby acne. Sometimes I can't help but think it detracts from her cuteness, but then the next minute I look at her she looks angelic and sweet and I feel really guilty for thinking momentarily that she wasn't cute.
3) When I bend over to wrap my hair in a towel after showering my breasts drip milk, seriously drip milk, and I feel like a cow. A cow with really big boobs.
4) I can't help but worry that I will never lose the last 15 pounds of my pregnancy weight even though I know it takes time. Patience is not one of my virtues and I am really tired of wearing my two pairs of pregnancy pants. It is bad enough that I won't be able to wear any of my pre-pregnancy shirts until I stop breast feeding. You'd think I could at least get a break and get to wear my pre-pregnancy pants sometime soon. (I feel like a big baby writing that, but I can't help feeling it.)
5) I seriously want to have sex again. Do we really need to wait the full 6 weeks after delivery or have some of you "cheated" and done it earlier? What are the implications? I haven't had sex in almost an entire freaking year, since I didn't get to get pregnant the old fashioned way and then we were way too worried about losing the baby to do anything while I was pregnant. I hate to admit this, but it I really need to get it off of my chest by confessing.
Friday, March 11, 2011
The end game strategy
I had an OB appointment this morning and a fetal heart monitoring (non-stress test).
Turns out that my body got started on this birthing thing a few weeks ago but nothing has changed in about 3 weeks. So, the OB wants to take action.
Since she'll be in the hospital on Monday we are going to go in on Sunday night and start inducing! They'll give me cervidil on Sunday night and some drugs to help me sleep. At 6:30am on Monday I'll start pitocin. If all goes well little M will be born Monday afternoon/evening.
I had feelings of "don't want to do that", realizing that I had developed a little scenario in the back of my mind about waking up with contractions, waking up Dh, laboring at home for a while, etc. I guess I also had kind of wanted something about this pregnancy to start "naturally", as if it was meant to be.
But that's silly. "Meant to be" makes no sense. Just because something is random does that mean it was meant to be? Was my miscarriage "meant to be"? Was the tsunami and earthquake in Japan meant to be since it happened "naturally"? Obviously the answer will depend somewhat on your religious leanings. But for me, the answer is "no".
An induction, in many ways, makes life a bit less stressful as we go into this transition. Part of what has been really hard on me this last week has been the anticipation and let-down. Every morning I wake up a bit disappointed that I didn't go into labor. And I have to psych myself back into enjoying what might be my last day of pregnancy.
It looks like I have two more nights in my own bed before I have my baby!!! I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am. Little M will be here soon!!!!
Turns out that my body got started on this birthing thing a few weeks ago but nothing has changed in about 3 weeks. So, the OB wants to take action.
Since she'll be in the hospital on Monday we are going to go in on Sunday night and start inducing! They'll give me cervidil on Sunday night and some drugs to help me sleep. At 6:30am on Monday I'll start pitocin. If all goes well little M will be born Monday afternoon/evening.
I had feelings of "don't want to do that", realizing that I had developed a little scenario in the back of my mind about waking up with contractions, waking up Dh, laboring at home for a while, etc. I guess I also had kind of wanted something about this pregnancy to start "naturally", as if it was meant to be.
But that's silly. "Meant to be" makes no sense. Just because something is random does that mean it was meant to be? Was my miscarriage "meant to be"? Was the tsunami and earthquake in Japan meant to be since it happened "naturally"? Obviously the answer will depend somewhat on your religious leanings. But for me, the answer is "no".
An induction, in many ways, makes life a bit less stressful as we go into this transition. Part of what has been really hard on me this last week has been the anticipation and let-down. Every morning I wake up a bit disappointed that I didn't go into labor. And I have to psych myself back into enjoying what might be my last day of pregnancy.
It looks like I have two more nights in my own bed before I have my baby!!! I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am. Little M will be here soon!!!!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
The waiting game
Going past one's due date is a cruel joke to play on a woman who has been through IF. All during this pregnancy I've felt like it wasn't real, that it was a joke and that there was no way I'd walk away from this experience with a baby.
Now I spend my days getting increasingly more and more uncomfortable. My hands ache terribly. My hips ache. My back aches. My stomach feels so large and distended that virtually every position is uncomfortable. I can't stand on my feet for longer than about 5 minutes. And the sad thing? I have had a remarkably easy pregnancy, so I know that this is just nothing compared to what most women go through.
But here I sit, almost 2 days past my due date. People keep constantly telling me that their sister went 2 weeks past her due date, their cousin went 3, another woman said she went a month past hers (I don't believe this one), everyone smiling and laughing when they tell me (as if they are the first to inform me of this) that all first time pregnancies go late... even my husband tells me that I knew to expect this because that was the first thing a male-MD friend emphatically told me over dinner a few weeks ago. Men, telling me that I shouldn't be so frustrate because it is expected. Women, telling me all the horror stories.
Aside from the physical difficulty, what is really hard is the emotional side. I can't help but feel like I will be pregnant forever, as before I thought I'd be infertile forever. This is all just a cruel joke -- let me prepare and get excited, and then never let me get to the ultimate goal... and torture me with the physical crap on top of it.
Now I spend my days getting increasingly more and more uncomfortable. My hands ache terribly. My hips ache. My back aches. My stomach feels so large and distended that virtually every position is uncomfortable. I can't stand on my feet for longer than about 5 minutes. And the sad thing? I have had a remarkably easy pregnancy, so I know that this is just nothing compared to what most women go through.
But here I sit, almost 2 days past my due date. People keep constantly telling me that their sister went 2 weeks past her due date, their cousin went 3, another woman said she went a month past hers (I don't believe this one), everyone smiling and laughing when they tell me (as if they are the first to inform me of this) that all first time pregnancies go late... even my husband tells me that I knew to expect this because that was the first thing a male-MD friend emphatically told me over dinner a few weeks ago. Men, telling me that I shouldn't be so frustrate because it is expected. Women, telling me all the horror stories.
Aside from the physical difficulty, what is really hard is the emotional side. I can't help but feel like I will be pregnant forever, as before I thought I'd be infertile forever. This is all just a cruel joke -- let me prepare and get excited, and then never let me get to the ultimate goal... and torture me with the physical crap on top of it.
Monday, March 7, 2011
The cup
I've written before about not really knowing what to put into a birth plan. All I really want is to make it through safely and have a healthy baby to take home. Otherwise, I'm really flexible. I mean think about it, after you completely give up on a romantic passionate evening with the love of your life being the moment-of-conception memory that you hold forever for your child, do the birth details really matter either?
But I realized that there is one thing that I do care about. A physical object that has come to represent quite a lot to me.
And it's a big plastic cup.
On June 11, 2010, Dh and I had a monitoring appointment as we went into our second IVF attempt. We had planned to take the day off from work to celebrate our anniversary, so this monitoring appointment was supposed to be something relatively positive on the baby-front that we did early in the morning before heading to the zoo to watch the monkeys.
But this monitoring appointment did not go well. In fact, it was terrible. We were told that we only had one follicle after all the injections and surgery and cyst and waiting, etc. etc. We were both upset but I was pretty devastated. That was rock bottom and I was ready to give up. If we weren't already so invested by that time, and already paid close to $25,000 on this baby project, I would have given up and walked away. Licked my wounds. Tried to pretend none of this every happened, that I didn't really want to have a child.
We went to the zoo as planned and ended up napping in front of the monkeys, just absorbing the news and not really talking about it. We managed to have a really nice day that ended with margaritas at a wonderful mexican restaurant.
But the strange thing was that that one follicle turned into three, and one of those was the golden egg that is now little M. My little M who is due TOMORROW.
We shared a drink that day at the zoo, one that came in a big plastic cup with a lid and straw and a giraffe on it. One of those cups meant to be kept and used over and over.
I started using this cup at work to help me keep track of how much water I was drinking over the last 9 months.
It reminds me of that day at the zoo, the day I pretty much gave up hope. And it reminds me of how wrong I was.
I brought that cup home with me when I left school the other day. I want to use it during labor to keep hydrated. I want it to be there to remind me how far we've come, how wrong I was that day, this crazy path we've taken to little M, and all of my blogsisters who have traveled this path before me and who will follow in my shoes hopefully very, very soon.
So my birth plan? Perspective, gratefulness, and a take-home baby.
But I realized that there is one thing that I do care about. A physical object that has come to represent quite a lot to me.
And it's a big plastic cup.
On June 11, 2010, Dh and I had a monitoring appointment as we went into our second IVF attempt. We had planned to take the day off from work to celebrate our anniversary, so this monitoring appointment was supposed to be something relatively positive on the baby-front that we did early in the morning before heading to the zoo to watch the monkeys.
But this monitoring appointment did not go well. In fact, it was terrible. We were told that we only had one follicle after all the injections and surgery and cyst and waiting, etc. etc. We were both upset but I was pretty devastated. That was rock bottom and I was ready to give up. If we weren't already so invested by that time, and already paid close to $25,000 on this baby project, I would have given up and walked away. Licked my wounds. Tried to pretend none of this every happened, that I didn't really want to have a child.
We went to the zoo as planned and ended up napping in front of the monkeys, just absorbing the news and not really talking about it. We managed to have a really nice day that ended with margaritas at a wonderful mexican restaurant.
But the strange thing was that that one follicle turned into three, and one of those was the golden egg that is now little M. My little M who is due TOMORROW.
We shared a drink that day at the zoo, one that came in a big plastic cup with a lid and straw and a giraffe on it. One of those cups meant to be kept and used over and over.
I started using this cup at work to help me keep track of how much water I was drinking over the last 9 months.
It reminds me of that day at the zoo, the day I pretty much gave up hope. And it reminds me of how wrong I was.
I brought that cup home with me when I left school the other day. I want to use it during labor to keep hydrated. I want it to be there to remind me how far we've come, how wrong I was that day, this crazy path we've taken to little M, and all of my blogsisters who have traveled this path before me and who will follow in my shoes hopefully very, very soon.
So my birth plan? Perspective, gratefulness, and a take-home baby.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
I'v been good and I've been bad
39 weeks and 5 days. I'm doing really well, but primarily because I've dramatically changed my life and completely given in to being very pregnant. I haven't been to school since Wednesday. I didn't say goodbye to anyone, made no announcement of being out, just never came back. That feels kind of weird, but it also feels organic to have just not returned when I couldn't any more.
I have a weird pregnancy snore that makes it hard for Dh to sleep (wakes me up sometimes too). Over the last couple of months I'll periodically sleep somewhere else to give him a break. But early last week I tried for a few nights to sleep in the guest bedroom, on the couch, or in little M's room but slept terribly. That put me over the edge and I became dysfunctional and frustrated. We have figured out that, much to dh's chagrin, I sleep better when we are together. He's being really sweet and insisting that we sleep together from now on; maybe he doesn't entirely mind since it makes him feel needed (which he is). I wonder if subconsciously I feel better knowing he's right there to help if I wake up in labor.
I have been getting up pretty much on the dot at 6:30 or 7am and have about 4-5 hours of energy. This is good for me to get dressed, have breakfast, and accomplish one or two specific tasks before getting really worn out. I then have enough energy to sit around for another couple of hours but absolutely have to nap from about 3-4:30pm or so. Then I'm back to a small amount of energy until 10 or 11pm but only enough energy to stay happy, not enough to be highly functional or accomplish anything (although last night Dh and I went for a little walk). Because of this recognition of my very restricted mental and physical capacities, I have only set little goals for each day, just one or two things that I want/need to get done. Like today I managed to change the sheets in the guest bedroom and catch up on my blog-reading. Aren't you proud of me?!
I consider this change in activity, this listening to my body, a really good thing.
Little M feels really big to me now and she moves around a lot. Every movement is noticeable these days, which is good but also distracting. And honestly, sometimes it is really uncomfortable. Her head is very low in my pelvis. When she moves her head around my pubic symphysis gives me a really sharp pain. I've had these from time to time throughout my pregnancy, but over the last week they've gotten much more serious and last longer in duration. It's debilitating when it happens as it is a really sharp pain. A couple times a day little M will really get moving in there, shaking her head around and doing something that feels like tugging on the umbilical cord. I have to stop whatever I'm doing and just wait for her to settle down, it is so uncomfortable it is, honestly, almost painful. But it is good. When she is quiet I start to freak out a little and sit very still waiting for the next movement. Ah, nothing like a little baby foot swooshing by to ease one's mind...
But I have also been bribing myself these days to keep my mood up. As you know from my last couple of posts I have had moments of frustration. About a week ago I decided that I would just eat whatever I want from now on, anything to reward me for staying positive about hefting around such a large and heavy belly. This means comfort food. The only redeeming thing is that I am not hungry so I'm not eating all that much (and actually lost a pound), but still, the sum total of what I've put into my mouth over the last week would make a nutritionist cringe. It's a trade off -- want me in a good mood or want me to eat my vegetables? I decided to go with the former until this baby gets here.
Can you believe I'm at 39 weeks and 5 days? It feels so surreal, I'm not sure I'll believe it is all real until I actually see my baby and they let me take her home from the hospital.
I have a weird pregnancy snore that makes it hard for Dh to sleep (wakes me up sometimes too). Over the last couple of months I'll periodically sleep somewhere else to give him a break. But early last week I tried for a few nights to sleep in the guest bedroom, on the couch, or in little M's room but slept terribly. That put me over the edge and I became dysfunctional and frustrated. We have figured out that, much to dh's chagrin, I sleep better when we are together. He's being really sweet and insisting that we sleep together from now on; maybe he doesn't entirely mind since it makes him feel needed (which he is). I wonder if subconsciously I feel better knowing he's right there to help if I wake up in labor.
I have been getting up pretty much on the dot at 6:30 or 7am and have about 4-5 hours of energy. This is good for me to get dressed, have breakfast, and accomplish one or two specific tasks before getting really worn out. I then have enough energy to sit around for another couple of hours but absolutely have to nap from about 3-4:30pm or so. Then I'm back to a small amount of energy until 10 or 11pm but only enough energy to stay happy, not enough to be highly functional or accomplish anything (although last night Dh and I went for a little walk). Because of this recognition of my very restricted mental and physical capacities, I have only set little goals for each day, just one or two things that I want/need to get done. Like today I managed to change the sheets in the guest bedroom and catch up on my blog-reading. Aren't you proud of me?!
I consider this change in activity, this listening to my body, a really good thing.
Little M feels really big to me now and she moves around a lot. Every movement is noticeable these days, which is good but also distracting. And honestly, sometimes it is really uncomfortable. Her head is very low in my pelvis. When she moves her head around my pubic symphysis gives me a really sharp pain. I've had these from time to time throughout my pregnancy, but over the last week they've gotten much more serious and last longer in duration. It's debilitating when it happens as it is a really sharp pain. A couple times a day little M will really get moving in there, shaking her head around and doing something that feels like tugging on the umbilical cord. I have to stop whatever I'm doing and just wait for her to settle down, it is so uncomfortable it is, honestly, almost painful. But it is good. When she is quiet I start to freak out a little and sit very still waiting for the next movement. Ah, nothing like a little baby foot swooshing by to ease one's mind...
But I have also been bribing myself these days to keep my mood up. As you know from my last couple of posts I have had moments of frustration. About a week ago I decided that I would just eat whatever I want from now on, anything to reward me for staying positive about hefting around such a large and heavy belly. This means comfort food. The only redeeming thing is that I am not hungry so I'm not eating all that much (and actually lost a pound), but still, the sum total of what I've put into my mouth over the last week would make a nutritionist cringe. It's a trade off -- want me in a good mood or want me to eat my vegetables? I decided to go with the former until this baby gets here.
Can you believe I'm at 39 weeks and 5 days? It feels so surreal, I'm not sure I'll believe it is all real until I actually see my baby and they let me take her home from the hospital.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
The art of being ecstatically happy
Justine's post today and Pie's comment that women are very quiet about the non-joys of breast feeding got me thinking about something I've wanted to get off my chest (aside from my very large breasts, although I have to admit that the huge belly has temporarily solved the hugely disproportionate breasts problem... in fact many people comment that I don't look 39 weeks pregnant, which must result from the relatively smallish belly compared to other women at 39 weeks)
But back to the topic for today.
As you all know, getting pregnant was not easy for me, and the experience of a prior miscarriage brought with it serious fears of staying pregnant.
Additionally, my husband has always worried that I'll have a hard time truly stepping away from my career, as I come from the 80-hour-a-week world with no holidays.
And, I'm now 40.
All that said I feel intense pressure to always be optimistic, happy, and to feel great. I worry that people think I'm too old to bear a child, and that any tiredness or achiness just shows how I shouldn't be pregnant at my age.
Dh has a tendency of reminding me that I really wanted to be pregnant and therefore I deserve no sympathy for my pregnancy symptoms.
And I feel like I can't ever express concern or worry about the radical change that is about to come to my life, and yes, my career. I want this change, but that doesn't mean it will be easy or all good.
I am kind of scared. I worry that I might not love little M enough to overcome all the hard parts. And I am most afraid that I might be very lonely since I won't feel like I have the right to have any unhappy moments. I wish that getting pregnant hadn't been so hard, as then I might have more of a right to experience and talk about the good AND the bad that comes with this life change.
I really really appreciate your all's honesty on your blogs, especially coming from women with IF and loss in their pasts, as it lets me know that the good and bad will be normal. I know that I can come here to be honest and get honesty in return. Just because getting and staying pregnant was so hard for us, that shouldn't mean that having a baby is any different from other women. When do we start feeling normal?
But back to the topic for today.
As you all know, getting pregnant was not easy for me, and the experience of a prior miscarriage brought with it serious fears of staying pregnant.
Additionally, my husband has always worried that I'll have a hard time truly stepping away from my career, as I come from the 80-hour-a-week world with no holidays.
And, I'm now 40.
All that said I feel intense pressure to always be optimistic, happy, and to feel great. I worry that people think I'm too old to bear a child, and that any tiredness or achiness just shows how I shouldn't be pregnant at my age.
Dh has a tendency of reminding me that I really wanted to be pregnant and therefore I deserve no sympathy for my pregnancy symptoms.
And I feel like I can't ever express concern or worry about the radical change that is about to come to my life, and yes, my career. I want this change, but that doesn't mean it will be easy or all good.
I am kind of scared. I worry that I might not love little M enough to overcome all the hard parts. And I am most afraid that I might be very lonely since I won't feel like I have the right to have any unhappy moments. I wish that getting pregnant hadn't been so hard, as then I might have more of a right to experience and talk about the good AND the bad that comes with this life change.
I really really appreciate your all's honesty on your blogs, especially coming from women with IF and loss in their pasts, as it lets me know that the good and bad will be normal. I know that I can come here to be honest and get honesty in return. Just because getting and staying pregnant was so hard for us, that shouldn't mean that having a baby is any different from other women. When do we start feeling normal?
Thursday, February 24, 2011
holy moly
OB appointment wednesday afternoon -- dilated 1cm effaced 60%! I wonder what the odds are I will make it to my due date. The OB said she would guess that I may deliver in a week, and highly unlikely I'll go past my due date... She touched little M's head!!!
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
The work problem
I'm freaking out because my due date is less than 2 weeks away and I have no good solution for getting any work done at home. I need my set-up to be nice so that it is "easy" to work for a few minutes here and there.
I knew that I should get a new laptop about a month or so ago but just couldn't bring myself to act on it. I also knew that I needed some kind of desk situation at home too, but again, couldn't bring myself to act on it.
So here I sit, freaking out and needing almost an instantaneous solution. I found a nice desk on-line that is perfect for the little corner in our house where it will go, but the shipping costs were about the same as the cost of the desk. I just can't bring myself to pay that much.
And I was going to buy an in-stock laptop from the campus store but they only have crappy ones that are pretty slow. And slowness is the really big reason I can't tolerate my 5 year old laptop that I used to adore.
Thank heavens for Amazon.com. I just ordered a laptop that will do and it should be delivered tomorrow by fed ex. Why did it take me 2 days of angst before I remembered that Amazon sells computers?
I even ordered the Office software package from Amazon because I don't have the time or patience to deal with ordering a site license through my university. They can take 3-4 weeks to get you a code.
But I still have the desk problem.
And this bothers me SO much right now because I am SO freaking uncomfortable and just really want to have this baby. I can't find the emotional energy to deal with any of the urgent things at work that have to happen, although I absolutely have no choice for some things that I need to do TODAY.
I don't want to go home even though I am exhausted and having a hard time keeping my eyes open because I just get antsy at home, thinking about how uncomfortable I am and how I don't have a way to do any work from home.
Weh weh!!! I am such a big baby today.
And speaking of babies, the glider I ordered on Jan 3rd from P*tt*y Barn for little M's room STILL isn't here. 4-6 weeks estimated deliver, but now its week 7. Given my condition and lack of patience, that is just not acceptable. Weh weh weh!!!
I am trying hard to laugh at myself, otherwise I will lose my mind.
I knew that I should get a new laptop about a month or so ago but just couldn't bring myself to act on it. I also knew that I needed some kind of desk situation at home too, but again, couldn't bring myself to act on it.
So here I sit, freaking out and needing almost an instantaneous solution. I found a nice desk on-line that is perfect for the little corner in our house where it will go, but the shipping costs were about the same as the cost of the desk. I just can't bring myself to pay that much.
And I was going to buy an in-stock laptop from the campus store but they only have crappy ones that are pretty slow. And slowness is the really big reason I can't tolerate my 5 year old laptop that I used to adore.
Thank heavens for Amazon.com. I just ordered a laptop that will do and it should be delivered tomorrow by fed ex. Why did it take me 2 days of angst before I remembered that Amazon sells computers?
I even ordered the Office software package from Amazon because I don't have the time or patience to deal with ordering a site license through my university. They can take 3-4 weeks to get you a code.
But I still have the desk problem.
And this bothers me SO much right now because I am SO freaking uncomfortable and just really want to have this baby. I can't find the emotional energy to deal with any of the urgent things at work that have to happen, although I absolutely have no choice for some things that I need to do TODAY.
I don't want to go home even though I am exhausted and having a hard time keeping my eyes open because I just get antsy at home, thinking about how uncomfortable I am and how I don't have a way to do any work from home.
Weh weh!!! I am such a big baby today.
And speaking of babies, the glider I ordered on Jan 3rd from P*tt*y Barn for little M's room STILL isn't here. 4-6 weeks estimated deliver, but now its week 7. Given my condition and lack of patience, that is just not acceptable. Weh weh weh!!!
I am trying hard to laugh at myself, otherwise I will lose my mind.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Doing better
Thanks for all the support the other day. I am feeling better now, nothing like an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's dolce delish to cheer one up. I've been a total glutton for sweets these last two weeks. Oof.
I think the trick to feeling better is to be more easy on myself. Yesterday I went to my prenatal massage (wonderful!), then a picnic lunch with Dh on the first sunny day in about a week.
I then went home and mostly laid around, finishing up "The Girl Who Played with Fire", doing a smidge of laundry, taking an hour long nap (from which I woke completely disoriented -- no idea what day it was, what I was doing home, I had even forgotten that I am pregnant, really weird mental place to have been in for a few minutes).
A totally random, weird thing happened. I ordered the Happiest Baby on the Block video from Netflix, and just got an email saying they received it back. I never got it though!!! If I were to let myself get superstitious this would really freak me out.
I think the trick to feeling better is to be more easy on myself. Yesterday I went to my prenatal massage (wonderful!), then a picnic lunch with Dh on the first sunny day in about a week.
I then went home and mostly laid around, finishing up "The Girl Who Played with Fire", doing a smidge of laundry, taking an hour long nap (from which I woke completely disoriented -- no idea what day it was, what I was doing home, I had even forgotten that I am pregnant, really weird mental place to have been in for a few minutes).
A totally random, weird thing happened. I ordered the Happiest Baby on the Block video from Netflix, and just got an email saying they received it back. I never got it though!!! If I were to let myself get superstitious this would really freak me out.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
I am not a pleasant person these days.
I think the constant discomfort is starting to get to me as I have absolutely NO patience these days. I keep trying to pretend like I do but I'm losing the battle. I don't like being like this as I am usually able to laugh minor things off (especially as it related to Dh's "quirks"). Dh is being nice about it, but who knows how long before he snaps.
Little M moves a lot, which I love because then I know she's ok. But I think she has really long finger nails because it sometimes feels like she's clawing at my insides. Other times it feels like she's tugging on the umbilical cord. Do they do those things? Either one seems like a bad idea...
Almost every time she moves she runs into my skeleton, which doesn't necessarily hurt but it sure is uncomfortable. The best way to sit is arched back so that she gets as much room as I can give her but she still sometimes seems to use all of her might to push against my abdomen to stretch it out a little more. Gotta love her determination not to let my body parts get in her way, I suppose.
My pubic symphysis is coming apart and I can totally feel it. The relaxin hormone is eating away at the cartilage that holds my pubic bones together. This is a good thing for the labor and deliver thing, but it really does hurt to feel your pubic bones crunch against each other.
Couple the public symphysis thing with what I am starting to think are braxton-hicks contractions... I get bad menstrual cramp achy sometimes, and when I stand up it feels like round-ligament pain again. I think those might be little practice contractions.
My new mantra is to go with it, enjoy all of this. She'll be here soon and the wonders of pregnancy will be a distant memory. Or if something horrible happens, this is my motherhood and I'd hate to have wished it all away because of discomfort.
I am good. I am ok. I am definitely happy and maybe I can figure out a way to be a little patient too... my ob said my cervix is soft and definitely thinning, but not dilated. If she had to guess she thinks I may deliver between 39 and 40 weeks, but that's totally a guess. It is so weird to think that my body is doing things to get ready to deliver this baby and I am not even aware of it and have no control over it.
Enjoy every moment... enjoy every moment. I can do this and maybe even come out of it with a husband who still likes me. :)
Little M moves a lot, which I love because then I know she's ok. But I think she has really long finger nails because it sometimes feels like she's clawing at my insides. Other times it feels like she's tugging on the umbilical cord. Do they do those things? Either one seems like a bad idea...
Almost every time she moves she runs into my skeleton, which doesn't necessarily hurt but it sure is uncomfortable. The best way to sit is arched back so that she gets as much room as I can give her but she still sometimes seems to use all of her might to push against my abdomen to stretch it out a little more. Gotta love her determination not to let my body parts get in her way, I suppose.
My pubic symphysis is coming apart and I can totally feel it. The relaxin hormone is eating away at the cartilage that holds my pubic bones together. This is a good thing for the labor and deliver thing, but it really does hurt to feel your pubic bones crunch against each other.
Couple the public symphysis thing with what I am starting to think are braxton-hicks contractions... I get bad menstrual cramp achy sometimes, and when I stand up it feels like round-ligament pain again. I think those might be little practice contractions.
My new mantra is to go with it, enjoy all of this. She'll be here soon and the wonders of pregnancy will be a distant memory. Or if something horrible happens, this is my motherhood and I'd hate to have wished it all away because of discomfort.
I am good. I am ok. I am definitely happy and maybe I can figure out a way to be a little patient too... my ob said my cervix is soft and definitely thinning, but not dilated. If she had to guess she thinks I may deliver between 39 and 40 weeks, but that's totally a guess. It is so weird to think that my body is doing things to get ready to deliver this baby and I am not even aware of it and have no control over it.
Enjoy every moment... enjoy every moment. I can do this and maybe even come out of it with a husband who still likes me. :)
Sunday, February 13, 2011
37 weeks, lots of thoughts
In some ways I'm getting close to wanting to have this baby so I'm not pregnant any more, but I hate saying that as I know I will really miss all the amazing things I've gotten to experience. But as you can see, my belly is getting very big. Over the last 2 weeks this pregnancy has started to get a little harder, meaning that I get exhausted very easily and hit the wall much sooner than I used to. All in all though I have had a remarkably easy pregnancy. For that I am extremely grateful.
That said, little M's movements have gotten to be so amazing. She moves a lot, and the movements feel more smooth and intentional. Last night as we got into bed Dh grabbed onto my belly with both hands and started talking to her in kind of a loud teasing voice. She started moving around like crazy, in complete reaction to his voice. It was really cute. He has a wonderfully deep voice and I'm sure she's fallen in love with it as something strong and reassuring, just as I have.
I had a prenatal massage on Thursday, which was wonderful wonderful wonderful. About 10 minutes into it little M started making these smooth fluid movements, almost like she was massaging me on the inside. I couldn't help but interpret the movements as an expression of happiness. I'm thinking that she could feel my body really relax and maybe even the serotonin surge, and that she liked it.
But I have a confession, one that it so hard to make. Over the last few days, maybe over the last week, I have minutes here and there in which I feel a slight panicky feeling. I am kind of scared. Don't get me wrong, the overwhelming emotion these days is gratitude, excitement, and happiness. But every now and then fear creeps in. I am kind of scared of two things.
The more immediate one is labor. It is unavoidable. I'm going to go through labor no matter what happens. I know I will make it through (as what choice do I have?) but I can't help but have some fear about how it will play out. How much will it hurt? Will I be able to handle it with grace?
The larger one is the harder to admit. I worry about how my marriage will change -- is having a baby the wrong decision? Dh and I have worked so hard to get to a wonderful place, a wonderful balance. Will we lose all of this? I know it will change, and I am mourning the things that will be gone forever. Most of the time I feel confident that we will find new happiness and new balance, and that it will be even better, although it will be a lot of work to get there. I calm myself by remembering that I wasn't happy before I was pregnant. In fact, with all of the infertility and shattered hopes and dreams, I was pretty miserable. That was not a good place for our relationship, so I am not even sure that the things I'm mourning would have even existed anymore had I not gotten pregnant. Remembering the reality of where I was, and as a consequence where we were before July, this has to be a good thing. I really, really hope all of my confidence is right on this one.
So here I am at 37 weeks. I still can't believe it.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Three
The number of times I got up to pee last night? 3
The longest stretch of sleep I got as a consequence? 3 hours
The number of baby-related doctors' appointments I'll have each week until she gets here? 3
(the reason for all of these appointments is due to three words: Advanced Maternal Age)
The number of blog-sisters who have had babies in the last 3 weeks? 3
The number of baby gifts we've gotten in the mail this week (so far)? 3
The number of job candidates left to interview at work? 3
The number of projects I need to get finished before my baby arrives? 3
The number of weeks before little M's due date? 3 weeks and 3 days
The month she is likely to be born in? 3 (March)
I was born on the third of the month too (but in December), so I can't help but be amused by the convergence of all these threes...
love, inB
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Here we are again
I fell asleep around 10:30pm and dreamed fitfully of how I couldn't get comfortable enough to really fall asleep. I gave up around 1am when dh got home from work (poor guy).
I moved out to the couch with my body pillow and a beadspread from the guest room. I was actually doze-dreaming about that bedspread and had a physical yearning to wrap myself in it. Weird. I got up after a few minutes, laugh/complained/freaked out a little to dh, stretched out a bit, made a cup of peppermint tea, and now sit here writing to you all. I am feeling a bit better now.
I can't imagine what it must be like to have a difficult pregnancy. I have been so fortunate with such an easy pregnancy, but it is still hard work. The baby takes so much out of me, and as dh said tonight, she's growing a lot right now and that is a good thing, even though it is hard. It really is a wonderful thing. I am guessing that women who find themselves pregnant when they don't want to be must develop such a difficult set of resentful emotions, going through all the physical and mental difficulties.
It is frustrating yet also amusing to have a hard squirmy watermelon attached to my abdomen. Things like scooting in bed or adjusting positions on the couch are a struggle. My PJs get tangled around me and because I can't hoist my body very well I can't untangle myself. And then little M will shift positions so what was somewhat confortable a minute ago now feels like a hard jab against my ribs. It is quite cute that she has no comprehension of basic physics, you know the law about two objects not being able to occupy the same space at the same time? She just goes where she wants to go, her mother's ribs or other body parts be dammed. Coupled with this is an odd overall body creakiness that is hard to explain.
I am so freaking lucky not to have real pain or real problems, and I am so ridiculously lucky to get to be experiencing this and expecting little M's arrival in a month (or so). I just want to make sure that you all and the universe know how grateful I am, even at 2am when the umcomfortable insomnia attack strikes again.
Back to my peppermint tea, the guest bedroom bedspread, and "the girl with the dragon tattoo".
I moved out to the couch with my body pillow and a beadspread from the guest room. I was actually doze-dreaming about that bedspread and had a physical yearning to wrap myself in it. Weird. I got up after a few minutes, laugh/complained/freaked out a little to dh, stretched out a bit, made a cup of peppermint tea, and now sit here writing to you all. I am feeling a bit better now.
I can't imagine what it must be like to have a difficult pregnancy. I have been so fortunate with such an easy pregnancy, but it is still hard work. The baby takes so much out of me, and as dh said tonight, she's growing a lot right now and that is a good thing, even though it is hard. It really is a wonderful thing. I am guessing that women who find themselves pregnant when they don't want to be must develop such a difficult set of resentful emotions, going through all the physical and mental difficulties.
It is frustrating yet also amusing to have a hard squirmy watermelon attached to my abdomen. Things like scooting in bed or adjusting positions on the couch are a struggle. My PJs get tangled around me and because I can't hoist my body very well I can't untangle myself. And then little M will shift positions so what was somewhat confortable a minute ago now feels like a hard jab against my ribs. It is quite cute that she has no comprehension of basic physics, you know the law about two objects not being able to occupy the same space at the same time? She just goes where she wants to go, her mother's ribs or other body parts be dammed. Coupled with this is an odd overall body creakiness that is hard to explain.
I am so freaking lucky not to have real pain or real problems, and I am so ridiculously lucky to get to be experiencing this and expecting little M's arrival in a month (or so). I just want to make sure that you all and the universe know how grateful I am, even at 2am when the umcomfortable insomnia attack strikes again.
Back to my peppermint tea, the guest bedroom bedspread, and "the girl with the dragon tattoo".
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Things I love today
1) Starbuck's chai latte with soy milk
2) semi-torturing a job candidate who had a huge attitude
3) not having any meetings this afternoon
4) burrito with Dh for a late lunch
5) the third day in a row of sunshine
6) not feeling quite so tired today
2) semi-torturing a job candidate who had a huge attitude
3) not having any meetings this afternoon
4) burrito with Dh for a late lunch
5) the third day in a row of sunshine
6) not feeling quite so tired today
Monday, February 7, 2011
Exhaustion and heart rate
Over the last couple of weeks in particular I find that I hit an energy wall that is very, very serious. I can hardly move, and it is hard to predict how far I can go before I hit it. Dh pulled me up the stairs last night, bless his heart (as there is no way he could carry me these days).
This morning, for some reason, I decided to measure my blood pressure (Dh has a monitor he uses every morning to make sure his meds are working right). My blood pressure is nice and low (107/72), but my heart rate was at 92 bpm at breakfast. That seems really ridiculously high. I have no idea how long it's been like this, but it kind of freaked me out.
I called the advice nurse and she had me monitor it. When I was sitting up and moving around it was up to 108 bpm, and after laying down for about 20 minutes it was back to 92 bpm. Since I don't have any other symptoms, no light headedness, no chest pounding, and I'm drinking lots of water, she said that she'd pass the info on to my OB, but that she didn't think it was something to react to, just slow down and take it easy.
So that I am trying to do. Have any of you all had this happen?
This morning, for some reason, I decided to measure my blood pressure (Dh has a monitor he uses every morning to make sure his meds are working right). My blood pressure is nice and low (107/72), but my heart rate was at 92 bpm at breakfast. That seems really ridiculously high. I have no idea how long it's been like this, but it kind of freaked me out.
I called the advice nurse and she had me monitor it. When I was sitting up and moving around it was up to 108 bpm, and after laying down for about 20 minutes it was back to 92 bpm. Since I don't have any other symptoms, no light headedness, no chest pounding, and I'm drinking lots of water, she said that she'd pass the info on to my OB, but that she didn't think it was something to react to, just slow down and take it easy.
So that I am trying to do. Have any of you all had this happen?
Sunday, February 6, 2011
All over the place
I have been mentally all over the place lately.
Some of the good things running through my head:
1) I can't believe I am 8 months pregnant. Can I say that again? I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! I feel so lucky and happy about this. Hearing about web friends who are having their babies already, and some 4 weeks early, makes me remember to cherish every single day.
2) I took Thursday off from work and took care of myself specifically, for example:
A visit to the MAC store to update all of my make-up
A visit to several card/stationary stores to buy valentine's and birthday cards for the next few months
A visit to Aveda, Kiehl's, the drug store, etc. to stock up on my cosmetics/toiletries
A visit to BabiesRUs to get booties and socks for lil M and a waterproof pad to start keeping under me at night in case my water breaks and for the drive to the hospital, if necessary.
The hairdressers to, horror of all horrors, get highlights in my hair (I was starting to feel very mousy and couldn't take it anymore. She was really careful to try and keep me away from chemical fumes and not touch my scalp.)
3) I have been happy with a purchase from HalfTees -- my belly really doesn't like it when things touch it. I find that these have been really comfortable to layer with, keeping the weight on the top of my belly very minimal.
The stressful things running through my head:
1) I had a minor meltdown when Irrational Exuberance had her baby earlier this week. She's about a week ahead of me. Holy S*&%?T, I could have this baby any day now! I sat down and made a list of the essential things I need to get done prior to M's estimated arrival date. My list is way too long. The only good thing about this is that, given the type of work I do, no one will die if I fail to finish something.
2) We had a lunch break during baby-care-class yesterday and walked over the Whole Foods Market to get something to eat. It was really crowded and someone ran into the back of me with their cart. It hurt a little, but mostly just rattled the shit out of me as I am very, very careful with myself. I turned around and a teenage girl turns around to her dad who looks over at me and under his breath in annoyance says, "oh, sorry". WTF? "oh sorry" is all he can do? His daughter just about knocks over a woman who is 8 months pregnant and that's the best he can do? I was trying to get Dh's attention when a nice nurse from the hospital comes up and rubs my arm, telling me that she thinks the girl is autistic. I appreciated this, as something like that is the only excuse for what SHE did (and did even not apologize for), but her father really should have been a lot nicer about it. I was pretty shaken after that, but holding it together.
Until, that is, Dh decided to freak out about the "tone" of baby class. He doesn't like to be told what to do and seemed to think that the class was directed at him personally or something. While we were eating lunch he complained and complained and then said something along the lines of "if I had known what all this would entail I wouldn't have agreed to it." Needless to say, I LOST it. Of course, I took this to mean that he didn't want the baby. We sort of stopped talking, made it back to class with me only looking half freaky, and then went home.
After a few hours of trying to pretend like there wasn't a problem we managed to get the conversation going. It was wonderful. We really needed to have it as there is a lot of trepidation and some misunderstanding that is coming between us, even though on the surface we've been getting along great. Dh was really really clear that he really really wants this baby, and, that he really wants his wife back. It was a great wakeup call for me when he said that he thinks the closer I can get back to who I was when we first got married, the more I'd be the person he wants to be the mother of his daughter. Maybe that sounds weird, but he's right. I need to find my strength and confidence again so that I can be a good role model for little M as well as a loving mother.
3) I have decided that all those instructions books and classes cause more stress than they may be worth. In baby class the instructor made me feel like a lot of my actions and decisions were wrong -- i.e., the baby bath tub, the type of laundry detergent I've been using, the moses basket, the rocking chair, etc. I am really trying my best here. That's really all I can do and I refuse to feel guilty for things that can't possibly really matter.
Love you all. Sorry I'm not posting or commenting very much. I am keeping up with all of you, but for some reason I'm having a really hard time writing comments. I'm a bad, bad blog sister these days. Please forgive me!
Some of the good things running through my head:
2) I took Thursday off from work and took care of myself specifically, for example:
A visit to the MAC store to update all of my make-up
A visit to several card/stationary stores to buy valentine's and birthday cards for the next few months
A visit to Aveda, Kiehl's, the drug store, etc. to stock up on my cosmetics/toiletries
A visit to BabiesRUs to get booties and socks for lil M and a waterproof pad to start keeping under me at night in case my water breaks and for the drive to the hospital, if necessary.
The hairdressers to, horror of all horrors, get highlights in my hair (I was starting to feel very mousy and couldn't take it anymore. She was really careful to try and keep me away from chemical fumes and not touch my scalp.)
3) I have been happy with a purchase from HalfTees -- my belly really doesn't like it when things touch it. I find that these have been really comfortable to layer with, keeping the weight on the top of my belly very minimal.
The stressful things running through my head:
1) I had a minor meltdown when Irrational Exuberance had her baby earlier this week. She's about a week ahead of me. Holy S*&%?T, I could have this baby any day now! I sat down and made a list of the essential things I need to get done prior to M's estimated arrival date. My list is way too long. The only good thing about this is that, given the type of work I do, no one will die if I fail to finish something.
2) We had a lunch break during baby-care-class yesterday and walked over the Whole Foods Market to get something to eat. It was really crowded and someone ran into the back of me with their cart. It hurt a little, but mostly just rattled the shit out of me as I am very, very careful with myself. I turned around and a teenage girl turns around to her dad who looks over at me and under his breath in annoyance says, "oh, sorry". WTF? "oh sorry" is all he can do? His daughter just about knocks over a woman who is 8 months pregnant and that's the best he can do? I was trying to get Dh's attention when a nice nurse from the hospital comes up and rubs my arm, telling me that she thinks the girl is autistic. I appreciated this, as something like that is the only excuse for what SHE did (and did even not apologize for), but her father really should have been a lot nicer about it. I was pretty shaken after that, but holding it together.
Until, that is, Dh decided to freak out about the "tone" of baby class. He doesn't like to be told what to do and seemed to think that the class was directed at him personally or something. While we were eating lunch he complained and complained and then said something along the lines of "if I had known what all this would entail I wouldn't have agreed to it." Needless to say, I LOST it. Of course, I took this to mean that he didn't want the baby. We sort of stopped talking, made it back to class with me only looking half freaky, and then went home.
After a few hours of trying to pretend like there wasn't a problem we managed to get the conversation going. It was wonderful. We really needed to have it as there is a lot of trepidation and some misunderstanding that is coming between us, even though on the surface we've been getting along great. Dh was really really clear that he really really wants this baby, and, that he really wants his wife back. It was a great wakeup call for me when he said that he thinks the closer I can get back to who I was when we first got married, the more I'd be the person he wants to be the mother of his daughter. Maybe that sounds weird, but he's right. I need to find my strength and confidence again so that I can be a good role model for little M as well as a loving mother.
3) I have decided that all those instructions books and classes cause more stress than they may be worth. In baby class the instructor made me feel like a lot of my actions and decisions were wrong -- i.e., the baby bath tub, the type of laundry detergent I've been using, the moses basket, the rocking chair, etc. I am really trying my best here. That's really all I can do and I refuse to feel guilty for things that can't possibly really matter.
Love you all. Sorry I'm not posting or commenting very much. I am keeping up with all of you, but for some reason I'm having a really hard time writing comments. I'm a bad, bad blog sister these days. Please forgive me!
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Good and Bad
Good: The OB this morning said that M's herky/jerky fish-out-water fetal movements are normal neurological development and she'll do this sometimes when she's a newborn too.
Bad: I think I might have a UTI; definitely I didn't drink enough water yesterday and that's been a little funky on my bladder.
Good: The OB said that we don't have to come to the hospital with a birth plan, or if we want, just make the birth plan a list of requests or things about us that it'd be nice for the nurses to know. I was starting to think I am weird not to have strong opinions about the labor & delivery. I keep thinking it's better if I don't make any specific plans or get my hopes set on any specific birth experience. The OB kind of confirmed that this is totally ok.
Bad: I got to work and found out that one of the freezers in a shared lab space 4 floors away broke, maybe a week ago, and we lost ALL of our samples for DNA research. This includes ALL of the samples for one of my graduate student's PhD project. She spent all fall collecting them and has a fellowship for this spring to do the genetics work, which is now completely ruined. Oh, and last week, someone in another lab accidentally threw out all of her specimens for a subset of her project that were stored in another freezer. She hasn't completely lost it yet, which is amazing.
Good: Thanks to the readjustment in my priorities I'm mad about it but not angry to the core, as I would have been a year ago.
Bad: We have to clean out a really disgusting and stinky broken freezer.
Good: Since I'm pregnant I can't help.
Funny: M had hiccups this morning and again this afternoon. What a very weird thing...
Bad: I think I might have a UTI; definitely I didn't drink enough water yesterday and that's been a little funky on my bladder.
Good: The OB said that we don't have to come to the hospital with a birth plan, or if we want, just make the birth plan a list of requests or things about us that it'd be nice for the nurses to know. I was starting to think I am weird not to have strong opinions about the labor & delivery. I keep thinking it's better if I don't make any specific plans or get my hopes set on any specific birth experience. The OB kind of confirmed that this is totally ok.
Bad: I got to work and found out that one of the freezers in a shared lab space 4 floors away broke, maybe a week ago, and we lost ALL of our samples for DNA research. This includes ALL of the samples for one of my graduate student's PhD project. She spent all fall collecting them and has a fellowship for this spring to do the genetics work, which is now completely ruined. Oh, and last week, someone in another lab accidentally threw out all of her specimens for a subset of her project that were stored in another freezer. She hasn't completely lost it yet, which is amazing.
Good: Thanks to the readjustment in my priorities I'm mad about it but not angry to the core, as I would have been a year ago.
Bad: We have to clean out a really disgusting and stinky broken freezer.
Good: Since I'm pregnant I can't help.
Funny: M had hiccups this morning and again this afternoon. What a very weird thing...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)