Justine's post today and Pie's comment that women are very quiet about the non-joys of breast feeding got me thinking about something I've wanted to get off my chest (aside from my very large breasts, although I have to admit that the huge belly has temporarily solved the hugely disproportionate breasts problem... in fact many people comment that I don't look 39 weeks pregnant, which must result from the relatively smallish belly compared to other women at 39 weeks)
But back to the topic for today.
As you all know, getting pregnant was not easy for me, and the experience of a prior miscarriage brought with it serious fears of staying pregnant.
Additionally, my husband has always worried that I'll have a hard time truly stepping away from my career, as I come from the 80-hour-a-week world with no holidays.
And, I'm now 40.
All that said I feel intense pressure to always be optimistic, happy, and to feel great. I worry that people think I'm too old to bear a child, and that any tiredness or achiness just shows how I shouldn't be pregnant at my age.
Dh has a tendency of reminding me that I really wanted to be pregnant and therefore I deserve no sympathy for my pregnancy symptoms.
And I feel like I can't ever express concern or worry about the radical change that is about to come to my life, and yes, my career. I want this change, but that doesn't mean it will be easy or all good.
I am kind of scared. I worry that I might not love little M enough to overcome all the hard parts. And I am most afraid that I might be very lonely since I won't feel like I have the right to have any unhappy moments. I wish that getting pregnant hadn't been so hard, as then I might have more of a right to experience and talk about the good AND the bad that comes with this life change.
I really really appreciate your all's honesty on your blogs, especially coming from women with IF and loss in their pasts, as it lets me know that the good and bad will be normal. I know that I can come here to be honest and get honesty in return. Just because getting and staying pregnant was so hard for us, that shouldn't mean that having a baby is any different from other women. When do we start feeling normal?
I think that while you are reflective of what you have experienced and thankful for what you have, you have to be where you are... where life takes you. You have beaten infertility! Your journey continues and includes both joy and pain/exhaustion/other emotion... it's okay to experience and express where you are now!
ReplyDeleteYou are DEFINITELY entitled to express whatever you are feeling ... and if you are not feeling supported, you need a new support group (I mean that figuratively). You WILL love M enough ... more than you ever dreamed you would love anything. And the hard parts will suck (there's no other way to put it), but you will make it. And suddenly one day you will have a four year old who sits in your lap, and you think, HOW in the WORLD did I give birth to anything that got this large and this cute and this independent? *grin* (This happened tonight, when I noticed that my son's feet are like small clubs.) Any time you want to moan and complain, call me ... I will send you my phone number offline (added bonus: I am awake at all hours, regardless of your time zone!).
ReplyDeleteI understand what you are saying. As a choice mom, I frequently feel like I don't have the right to say how hard everything is, or ask for help - since "I chose this". Especially after having so much trouble conceiving.
ReplyDeleteAnd intellectually I know its not true. And that of course we should ask for help, and that it is OK to feel how you feel. But I still feel that way somedays.
That your DH is saying that you shouldn't complain since you wanted to be pregnant makes me want to crawl through cyberspace and and give him a piece of my mind for you.
So, how you feel is how you feel. And it is OK! And it is normal! And you have a right to all of your moments - happy and unhappy.
But you will be mostly happy. And you will love her more than you can possibly imagine. I had no idea that I could love this much and it just keeps getting stronger.
I'm very happy for you. I'll let you know when it all starts to feel normal. :-)
You know I think it is ok to express even the ugly parts of pregnancy, of parenthood - I mean, who's to say what's right or wrong in my own life? Me. It will be hard, these first few months I think are especially hard, and we do have guilt about it. At least I do, but at the same time, I can't deny how I feel. Honestly, I'd say to your husband that he is wrong, that you have every right to feel varied emotions about this huge life change Just because you fought hard to get here doesn't mean it automatically becomes all sunshine and puppy dogs. Parenting is hard work, and frustrating. Its also wonderful and fulfilling, but as almost everything in life, it is not just one thing. He needs to be more supportive of this change.
ReplyDeleteAnd you know what? You do fine. You will. Yes, its an adjustment, and some days you'll wonder what you got yourself into, but you will do fine. M will be fine, and so will you.
Here is a quote I really like and kind of live by. "The distinguishing mark of true adventures, is that it is ofen no fun at all while they are actually happening" Kim Stanley Robinson.
ReplyDeleteSo while parenting DOES have many, many fun times, it is still hard and some days out right suck! But for me the sum total is that it's great and I get a sense of fullfilment I didn't have until I had my daughter.
Incidentially, I feel like parenting gets harder as the child gets older. Perhaps it's the personality of my child or maybe just the daily grind, but I thought partenting the first 18 months was a piece of cake. Now I find myself more frustrated then I ever recall being in my ENTIRE life. BUT..everyday has multiple pieces of joy.
All of the feelings and emotions of pregnancy and parenting are valid, no matter how you got there. Just cause you wanted it so bad, doesn't mean you can't complain cause your bloated, heavy, tired etc.
So far, I haven't been able to think about work at all-- I keep thinking I a going to start, but it hasn't happened yet! Perhaps you'll be more disciplined and share your secrets. It isn't that I don't have some time during her naps-- if you have data to enter or something, you could totally get that done. But writing and learning new analyses just isn't happening for me, right now, on 2 hour sleep chunks!
ReplyDeleteAs for happiness, it's there, don't worry. You'll be very happy. Then there are those moments that feel like an acid trip gone awry-- when you're fretfully exhausted, and your baby's cry is playing on every hormone receptor in your body-- it's pretty intense,and not in a good way. But I've only had a few of those moments so far... Fingers crossed for no colic!
As for your husband, I thought he was a biologist! He should know the difference between a powerful biological urge, and something you just 'want'! Obviously you aren't being driven by your hormones to get pregnant NOW! Those hormones have gotten what they wanted out of you, and are through with you now... maybe you need to explain a little life history theory 101 to him! :)
Amen to all of this!! I struggle daily with the whining and complaining and my own admonishments to myself to shut up because it can all go away in an instant so I just need to be nothing but grateful. Too bad all that self-talk isn't doing anything and I'm still whiny about how tough this last bit is.
ReplyDeleteAnd my DH has already told me that he doesn't expect to bond with the baby until she's older so I shouldn't expect him to either. I know he's not an INTENTIONAL jerkus maximus, but I sure do wish he'd THINK before he opens his mouth. And don't get me started on the fact that he won't touch me with a ten-foot pole because 'pregnancy is weird.' This from a Master's in Bio-Engineering. You'd think he'd be fascinated but he holds me at arms length because of his unresolved issues from the last miscarriages.
But I have no right to complain about any of that right? Because at least I'm pregnant right?
Well, bullsh*t to all of that. We ARE normal, pregnancy IS tough and we have just as much right as those who've not experienced infertility and loss to say so.
Thank you for writing this and know that we're all here for you, just as you are for us. **hugs**