I get a sense of being a part of a larger community by giving money to various non-profits, such as National Public Radio, the political party of my leaning, the local food bank, the animal shelter, unicef, etc. I don't say this to make myself sound good, as I should give lots more than I do. And I'm so selfish with my time that I don't even volunteer (though I know I should). But it is my small little contribution to trying to make the world a better place, and it makes me feel a little bit good.
But this year I've been really, really stingy. As in, I haven't given anything at all. Even though the local animal shelter burned down, the oil spill happened in the Gulf, some of my political issues are under severe threat, etc.
The cost of my infertility treatments this year has been about $20,000, I think. (I haven't sat down and tallied it, as the thought makes me cringe.) This expense has really changed my mindset about philanthropy. And I don't feel good about it.
In fact I feel pretty selfish.
So I've taken to lying to the people who call on the phone to ask me to give money. Most often, I pretend I'm not me and tell them that I'm not home. Yes, I realize that lying is also not good for my sense of morality. And this is why I am posting on it.
I had a break-through yesterday.
A very kind woman called last night to ask if I could help support issue Q as I have done in the past. I politely told her that someone in my family has needed very expensive medical treatments this year and so we aren't able to make a donation, but that I hope to give again in the future.
And it isn't a lie. I am sick, something is wrong with me. I'm infertile and it is costing a lot of money to try medical intervention.
I obviously didn't tell the caller what was wrong, who it was, or anything like that. But the verbal acknowledgment of something medically difficult happening in my family, that really felt good. It felt good to hear someone say, "oh, I'm so sorry. I hope everything works out ok."
Dh and I have kept all of this so secret that it has a very weird and not-good feeling. The only place it doesn't feel weird is here in blogland. And now, when a telemarketer calls and I know what to say.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
Nothing interesting
The day is really pretty and warm here. Bone warming.
My office desk is still as messy as ever, yet I spent most of the day composing an email to the chair of my department complaining about my lack of laboratory space... an on-going saga for the last 2 years.
I asked the academic personnel officer about the deadline for my submission for a regular merit increase in my salary. She wrote back with a cc to my departmental chair.
Said departmental chair really hates me, and I'm not entirely sure why. But I realize that my being noisy about space is not very lady-like, and as he's said before, I should go along to get along, even if its bad for me professionally. We don't want others in the department to feel unwelcome.
I wish I had changed my sheets yesterday, as I love fresh sheets. I feel lazy that I staid home all day yesterday and didn't do any house work.
I am not sleeping 10 hours every night any more. About 5 nights ago, the difficulty falling asleep set in. Maybe it's a progesterone symptom. Maybe not.
My butt hurts less. The "drug-free" technique that works best for me right now:
1) 10 minutes on the heating pad, warming both my butt and the filled syringe
2) injection in the top part of the target area (lower bothers my hip joint muscles much, much more)
3) massage injection site for about 4-5 minutes
4) cringe at dh concentrating on my not-as-attractive-as-once-was butt, not that it was ever very impressive (ya don't know what ya've got 'til it's gaw-awn)
5) 30-45 minutes on the heating pad
I feel numb emotionally, save for when I'm feeling very annoyed over small irrelevant things that dh does.
Waiting for my beta on Friday morning. Waiting for my new-dress dinner Friday night. Waiting for my pedicure on Saturday Waiting to see what to do next with my life.
My office desk is still as messy as ever, yet I spent most of the day composing an email to the chair of my department complaining about my lack of laboratory space... an on-going saga for the last 2 years.
I asked the academic personnel officer about the deadline for my submission for a regular merit increase in my salary. She wrote back with a cc to my departmental chair.
Said departmental chair really hates me, and I'm not entirely sure why. But I realize that my being noisy about space is not very lady-like, and as he's said before, I should go along to get along, even if its bad for me professionally. We don't want others in the department to feel unwelcome.
I wish I had changed my sheets yesterday, as I love fresh sheets. I feel lazy that I staid home all day yesterday and didn't do any house work.
I am not sleeping 10 hours every night any more. About 5 nights ago, the difficulty falling asleep set in. Maybe it's a progesterone symptom. Maybe not.
My butt hurts less. The "drug-free" technique that works best for me right now:
1) 10 minutes on the heating pad, warming both my butt and the filled syringe
2) injection in the top part of the target area (lower bothers my hip joint muscles much, much more)
3) massage injection site for about 4-5 minutes
4) cringe at dh concentrating on my not-as-attractive-as-once-was butt, not that it was ever very impressive (ya don't know what ya've got 'til it's gaw-awn)
5) 30-45 minutes on the heating pad
I feel numb emotionally, save for when I'm feeling very annoyed over small irrelevant things that dh does.
Waiting for my beta on Friday morning. Waiting for my new-dress dinner Friday night. Waiting for my pedicure on Saturday Waiting to see what to do next with my life.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Fooling myself?
(yea, right. no ivf baby could ever be claimed as a surprise pregnancy without some tragic accident and amnesia coming into play, and even then, how would you know to take the estrace twice a day and progesterone shot each night?)
So it's tough to know how to deal with this feeling. Do I act on it? Do I go ahead and make some summer plans to visit family carefree of timing with my cycle? Do I actually make some commitments that no sane person would make if they were planning on having a baby, you know, all the things I've put off for the last 3 years?
Am I somehow thinking that once I give up I'll get pregnant "naturally"? I'm afraid that might be what I'm doing. And if yes, will I be really angry with myself in a year?
How do you know for sure that your psyche isn't psyching you out?
The BFN reward list so far:
1) romantic dinner with dh on Friday, the day we get the test results (I already made the reservation) so that I can wear the new dress I found at Anthropolgie on sale (ok, good shopping story -- I fell in love with this little hoodie a little while back. The other day when my butt hurt so bad I broken down & decided to buy it for myself as a "cheer me up present" even though the last thing I should be doing is shopping. But I go, and it turns out it had gone on sale! so I got the little hoodie and the dress (can't find a picture of it on-line) all for the original price of the hoodie! yippee! Someone must have just returned it after a long time it b/c it was so marked down, the only one in the store, and exactly my size -- I wear a very hard-to-find-on-sale size)
2) pedicure on Saturday the 3rd
Thursday, June 24, 2010
The things they don't tell you
When I signed on to the idea of having a baby, no one mentioned that I might spend the next 3 years spending as much time and emotional energy trying to get pregnant as if I had been raising a kid for the last 3 years (but with nothing to show for it).
When I sat at the dr's office after the miscarriage, everyone said this was sad, but no one told me that I'd fall into a severe depression that would rob me of all joy for like a year. So I kept thinking I'd get pregnant again quickly and snap out of it. Realized after 9 months that that plan was not going to work.
When I decided to go to an RE, no one told us that the hormonal supplements for a regular cycle really don't increase the likelihood for a 38 year old woman getting pregnant beyond 2-3% per month. So we tried this for 3-4 months. Can you say, "placebo"? and "wasted time"?
When I opted for the better odds of IVF, no one said that it'd take over 6 months before we could even make our first attempt.
When we actually got to start the IVF cycle, I was given the impression that the stimulants were the scariest part drug-wise. Boy was that wrong.
Maybe the stimulants were the worst part from a physiological perspective, or from what the dr sees. But from my perspective, the pain in my ass from the progesterone shots is beyond anything I was warned of.
I can't sit without pain, I can't walk without pain, and I can't lay down without pain. In fact, my gluteus maximus aches all the time. It's like I did way too many reps of a way too heavy weight at the gym.
And I don't have any progesterone-y symptoms. Maybe I'm just shooting progesterone oil shots in my butt but my body isn't absorbing them.
So last night I decided to try giving myself the shot a little lower in the circle sharpied onto my backside to see if that might hurt less.
Let me tell you, that was a mistake. I must have had the needle angled weird or something because the pain is much lower and it really hurts to move my hip (i.e., walk, stand up, move position). From what I know of anatomy, I couldn't have messed anything up. And if I'd hit a nerve it would hurt down my leg.
I'm sitting here thinking to myself that this is just getting ridiculous. If I knew for sure that this would work, then ok. But for a 20% chance? I don't know. I'm not much of a gambler. Are these good enough odds?
I have spent so much time, money, and--most importantly--emotional energy on this baby project and still have nothing to show for it. Who knew that trying to have a baby is probably harder than having one?
(ok, naive statement, but let me wallow)
When I sat at the dr's office after the miscarriage, everyone said this was sad, but no one told me that I'd fall into a severe depression that would rob me of all joy for like a year. So I kept thinking I'd get pregnant again quickly and snap out of it. Realized after 9 months that that plan was not going to work.
When I decided to go to an RE, no one told us that the hormonal supplements for a regular cycle really don't increase the likelihood for a 38 year old woman getting pregnant beyond 2-3% per month. So we tried this for 3-4 months. Can you say, "placebo"? and "wasted time"?
When I opted for the better odds of IVF, no one said that it'd take over 6 months before we could even make our first attempt.
When we actually got to start the IVF cycle, I was given the impression that the stimulants were the scariest part drug-wise. Boy was that wrong.
Maybe the stimulants were the worst part from a physiological perspective, or from what the dr sees. But from my perspective, the pain in my ass from the progesterone shots is beyond anything I was warned of.
I can't sit without pain, I can't walk without pain, and I can't lay down without pain. In fact, my gluteus maximus aches all the time. It's like I did way too many reps of a way too heavy weight at the gym.
And I don't have any progesterone-y symptoms. Maybe I'm just shooting progesterone oil shots in my butt but my body isn't absorbing them.
So last night I decided to try giving myself the shot a little lower in the circle sharpied onto my backside to see if that might hurt less.
Let me tell you, that was a mistake. I must have had the needle angled weird or something because the pain is much lower and it really hurts to move my hip (i.e., walk, stand up, move position). From what I know of anatomy, I couldn't have messed anything up. And if I'd hit a nerve it would hurt down my leg.
I'm sitting here thinking to myself that this is just getting ridiculous. If I knew for sure that this would work, then ok. But for a 20% chance? I don't know. I'm not much of a gambler. Are these good enough odds?
I have spent so much time, money, and--most importantly--emotional energy on this baby project and still have nothing to show for it. Who knew that trying to have a baby is probably harder than having one?
(ok, naive statement, but let me wallow)
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
remodelling
hope you all don't mind all my web site tinkering... still trying to find the style I like most. Notice the Watership Down bunny innovation? yep, can't help myself. I still secretly fantasize that my cat is Hazel.
The jinxing problem
I woke up in a royally bad mood today. We are going to a dinner tonight with lots of very successful and famous people I have never met before, and I'll be the youngest by far. My husband is very successful and 20 years older, and while it is sometimes fun to pretend to be a "trophy bride", I am just so not into it right now. Plus, I'm not. He was never married before, was not my professor, and I do quite well on my own two professor feet. But I'm very overshadowed, so no one ever notices all of those points. It gets hard on the ego, but I did know what I was getting into when I married him.
But I'm also feeling very UNpregnant. I had warm maternal nurturing feelings for the last few days, but those have dissipated. And I now I find myself just feeling squishy, out-of-shape, and silly. Oh, and childless.
Overshadowed and childless. That's me. And very squishy muffin top. I had a really hard time finding an outfit I was kind of ok with this morning. I really wanted to wear what I wore yesterday. But I don't think dh would have thought that was ok, and I did see a lot of people yesterday who would see me today. Ugh. WHY DOES THIS KIND OF THING MATTER?!
Why can't I keep it together?!
Aside from all of that, I have a dilemma. I'm going out of town on July 5 (Monday). My beta is currently scheduled for July 2 (Friday). If I am pregnant, I need to take progesterone shots for the 8 days I'm gone. But I currently don't have enough needles. I think I have enough of the drug.
Do I ask if I can take my beta earlier? Why is it scheduled for July 2nd anyway? That's 15 days after a day 2 transfer, which seems like a long time past the "14 days past ovulation" rule. Won't that be a test on day 17 instead of 14? When is the earliest I can safely subject myself to a HPT without worrying that it'd be tainted by the HCG trigger? Do I really want to do that anyway? That would mean a trip to the drug store. Ugh.
If I ask to take the blood test earlier, I'm totally jinxed. It will definitely be negative. (Because somehow I would miraculously GET pregnant in the intervening days had I just waited.)
And I hate that this feels like the weight of the world on my shoulders.
When I get the negative beta test, I'm going to the gym for the longest and hardest workout of my life.
But I'm also feeling very UNpregnant. I had warm maternal nurturing feelings for the last few days, but those have dissipated. And I now I find myself just feeling squishy, out-of-shape, and silly. Oh, and childless.
Overshadowed and childless. That's me. And very squishy muffin top. I had a really hard time finding an outfit I was kind of ok with this morning. I really wanted to wear what I wore yesterday. But I don't think dh would have thought that was ok, and I did see a lot of people yesterday who would see me today. Ugh. WHY DOES THIS KIND OF THING MATTER?!
Why can't I keep it together?!
Aside from all of that, I have a dilemma. I'm going out of town on July 5 (Monday). My beta is currently scheduled for July 2 (Friday). If I am pregnant, I need to take progesterone shots for the 8 days I'm gone. But I currently don't have enough needles. I think I have enough of the drug.
Do I ask if I can take my beta earlier? Why is it scheduled for July 2nd anyway? That's 15 days after a day 2 transfer, which seems like a long time past the "14 days past ovulation" rule. Won't that be a test on day 17 instead of 14? When is the earliest I can safely subject myself to a HPT without worrying that it'd be tainted by the HCG trigger? Do I really want to do that anyway? That would mean a trip to the drug store. Ugh.
If I ask to take the blood test earlier, I'm totally jinxed. It will definitely be negative. (Because somehow I would miraculously GET pregnant in the intervening days had I just waited.)
And I hate that this feels like the weight of the world on my shoulders.
When I get the negative beta test, I'm going to the gym for the longest and hardest workout of my life.
Monday, June 21, 2010
The stuff that's on my mind
1) I've felt pretty good for the last couple of days. I decided to sleep 10 hours a night during my TWW, starting the night of the transfer (Thursday), thinking that the extra sleep might increase my odds. It is not so easy to sleep that long, but I really love the 2 hours of snooze this creates in the morning. There have been a few nice side effects: a) when I'm asleep I'm generally not stressing over whether or not I'm pregnant, so that's less time spent thinking about it all; b) dh said that I look really good with all this rest, wrinkles have reduced (I have a bad habit of furrowing my brow). Maybe sleep could replace the need for botox in my future. :)
2) I need a plan. Dh thinks we shouldn't make any plans until we know the results of the pregnancy test, but I need to have a plan so that I can go on autopilot if the result is negative. He doesn't quite get this, yet.
3) If I'm not pregnant, instead of spending all the rest of our available income on a second attempt, I should use some of that money to get a personal trainer, get in shape, decorate my home office, get myself all together for a new stage of my life. If I decide to do a second attempt, I lose all of my potential productivity for the end of July and August. I could kick butt at work, but would I? Or will I continue to have the motivation problem that has plagued me for 2.5 years?
There are just never any answers. I guess that's the hard part about being a grown-up.
2) I need a plan. Dh thinks we shouldn't make any plans until we know the results of the pregnancy test, but I need to have a plan so that I can go on autopilot if the result is negative. He doesn't quite get this, yet.
3) If I'm not pregnant, instead of spending all the rest of our available income on a second attempt, I should use some of that money to get a personal trainer, get in shape, decorate my home office, get myself all together for a new stage of my life. If I decide to do a second attempt, I lose all of my potential productivity for the end of July and August. I could kick butt at work, but would I? Or will I continue to have the motivation problem that has plagued me for 2.5 years?
There are just never any answers. I guess that's the hard part about being a grown-up.
Friday, June 18, 2010
The angst of superstition
So, those tacos we were going to have for dinner last night? I ate one and then decided it wasn't just me, but that the shells tasted really chemically. So we tossed them and ate taco salad instead. Of course I got really really sad that I poisoned my little embryos within 12 hours of them being given to me. I tried to be healthy by cooking at home and totally screwed up. I only cried a little, but I was really really sad about this (still am, could totally kick myself if that were physically possible).
And then I did my first progesterone shot. Dh wanted to help, and I kept asking if he was sure, and he insisted that I needed his help. So, I did it with his supervision (granted he never even watched me do any of the subcutaneous shots). When I pulled the needle out there was about a 1/2 tablespoon of dark blood that came with it and he totally panicked. I forgot to check whether or not I was in a vein, and now I'm afraid I did the shot wrong too. Did I mess up the shot??? Does it matter?
We did conclude, at least, that Dh should not be involved in these shots in the future, that I CAN do them by myself, and he can help by giving me a good butt rub afterwords.
I feel like I'm off on completely the wrong motherhood foot here. If I messed up two big things on the very first day, then I don't really deserve to be a mom.
So I'm totally going into superstition mode. I just can't help myself.
For example, the embryos were color coded with light blue and brown. So today I am wearing all blue and brown, so they feel at home. Including my undies.
Any suggestions for other things I should do?
And a very, very important question for you. For years I have wanted this all-in-one-teddy for my baby:
After my miscarriage I did buy it for a colleague who was having a baby, thinking that would bring me good luck (karma or something like that). Didn't seem to work as that was almost 2 years ago.
Then the store stopped selling them, but they are back now.
Another colleague is having a baby and her shower is, of course, on the day of my beta. Should I get one for her? And more importantly, should I get two, and give the second one away as a baby-shower gift if I end up not needing it? Is that asking for bad karma or is it being positive?
And then I did my first progesterone shot. Dh wanted to help, and I kept asking if he was sure, and he insisted that I needed his help. So, I did it with his supervision (granted he never even watched me do any of the subcutaneous shots). When I pulled the needle out there was about a 1/2 tablespoon of dark blood that came with it and he totally panicked. I forgot to check whether or not I was in a vein, and now I'm afraid I did the shot wrong too. Did I mess up the shot??? Does it matter?
We did conclude, at least, that Dh should not be involved in these shots in the future, that I CAN do them by myself, and he can help by giving me a good butt rub afterwords.
I feel like I'm off on completely the wrong motherhood foot here. If I messed up two big things on the very first day, then I don't really deserve to be a mom.
So I'm totally going into superstition mode. I just can't help myself.
For example, the embryos were color coded with light blue and brown. So today I am wearing all blue and brown, so they feel at home. Including my undies.
Any suggestions for other things I should do?
And a very, very important question for you. For years I have wanted this all-in-one-teddy for my baby:
After my miscarriage I did buy it for a colleague who was having a baby, thinking that would bring me good luck (karma or something like that). Didn't seem to work as that was almost 2 years ago.
Then the store stopped selling them, but they are back now.
Another colleague is having a baby and her shower is, of course, on the day of my beta. Should I get one for her? And more importantly, should I get two, and give the second one away as a baby-shower gift if I end up not needing it? Is that asking for bad karma or is it being positive?
Thursday, June 17, 2010
And they are off!
My doctor called last night around 7pm to see if we could come in early so that she could do the transfer herself (there are a bunch of dr's in the practice so they rotate). Of course we jumped at this, 'cause as I've said, we think she's the best.
We showed up quite a bit early because there was, of course, a major accident on the road there, so we left WAY early. I really stressed over the semi-full-bladder thing, but it worked out that I peed about an hour before and then drank a really big glass of water.
Dh had been really hesitant to go into the procedure room but the nurses and doctor were so definite that he should be there that he really ended up with no choice. But I think he's glad he did. They kept encouraging him to move closer and he ended up resting his hand on my head for the whole thing, which I really appreciated. He also asked a bunch of questions, things I wouldn't have thought of at the time (because that Valium makes me happy but really stupid).
The two fertilized embryos did well over night and had multiplied a time or two more than expected, which is good. They still only got categorized as "two", but they look really good to me and dh (parenting bias already kicking in?) But really, they are nicely symmetrical with only a little frag or two, not Like the "two's" in the instruction/info book they gave us.
Both got placed way high up in the newly designed part of my uterus, so I hope they like the new accommodations.
I tried to walk very smoothly on the way out, we drove home, and for some reason I decided that I really really wanted to make pancakes. It was about 10:30am. They were yummy and dh actually staid home to eat with me even though he's not a big pancake fan. We then sat on the couch and I expected him to immediately go to work but he laid down for a nap.
I could keep my eyes open so decided to go to bed where I could snuggle with my body pillow. We slept for four hours. Crazy. I am guessing the combination of the Valium and post-stress really did us in, but it was great. And we obviously need it.
So we woke up, drank grape juice, dh went to work for a couple of hours, and I'll make tacos for dinner.
Do you think the little embies will be enticed to stick around after their first two meals are pancakes, grape juice and tacos? I really really hope so. I'm foolishly even thinking twins would be cool...
We showed up quite a bit early because there was, of course, a major accident on the road there, so we left WAY early. I really stressed over the semi-full-bladder thing, but it worked out that I peed about an hour before and then drank a really big glass of water.
Dh had been really hesitant to go into the procedure room but the nurses and doctor were so definite that he should be there that he really ended up with no choice. But I think he's glad he did. They kept encouraging him to move closer and he ended up resting his hand on my head for the whole thing, which I really appreciated. He also asked a bunch of questions, things I wouldn't have thought of at the time (because that Valium makes me happy but really stupid).
The two fertilized embryos did well over night and had multiplied a time or two more than expected, which is good. They still only got categorized as "two", but they look really good to me and dh (parenting bias already kicking in?) But really, they are nicely symmetrical with only a little frag or two, not Like the "two's" in the instruction/info book they gave us.
Both got placed way high up in the newly designed part of my uterus, so I hope they like the new accommodations.
I tried to walk very smoothly on the way out, we drove home, and for some reason I decided that I really really wanted to make pancakes. It was about 10:30am. They were yummy and dh actually staid home to eat with me even though he's not a big pancake fan. We then sat on the couch and I expected him to immediately go to work but he laid down for a nap.
I could keep my eyes open so decided to go to bed where I could snuggle with my body pillow. We slept for four hours. Crazy. I am guessing the combination of the Valium and post-stress really did us in, but it was great. And we obviously need it.
So we woke up, drank grape juice, dh went to work for a couple of hours, and I'll make tacos for dinner.
Do you think the little embies will be enticed to stick around after their first two meals are pancakes, grape juice and tacos? I really really hope so. I'm foolishly even thinking twins would be cool...
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Twin zygotes!
Thanks so much for all the good wishes. Seems like you all helped make the night a good one for my little zygotes. Two of them fertilized! We'll find out about their quality tomorrow at the time of transfer.
So that still means that we might not do the transfer. Still plenty of time for things to go wrong.
Timed sex was really hard, and lead to more late night tear fests than dh or I care to remember. But is ivf better? Hm. That is a tough one.
While I knew this would be stressful, I honestly didn't really get why so many people choose not to do this again. It is REALLY hard on the emotions. I surprise myself at how edgy I am. And I don't just mean edgy. I mean, I could tear off someone's head with my bare hands edgy.
So that still means that we might not do the transfer. Still plenty of time for things to go wrong.
Timed sex was really hard, and lead to more late night tear fests than dh or I care to remember. But is ivf better? Hm. That is a tough one.
While I knew this would be stressful, I honestly didn't really get why so many people choose not to do this again. It is REALLY hard on the emotions. I surprise myself at how edgy I am. And I don't just mean edgy. I mean, I could tear off someone's head with my bare hands edgy.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
The events of the day
8.15am get out of bed (dh and I really like to go to bed late and sleep late, but all of the monitoring apts have cramped that style for the last 4 days).
9.30 on the road -- lots of traffic, unfortunately.
10.30 check in, exactly on time
10.45 go up to the magic floor and get taken into the magic room. Dress in hospital gown, dh says that it's weird how I always look so good in hospital gowns. I don't think he was joking. Hm.
11am very handsome anesthesiologist comes to chat with us, asks about my somewhat complicated medical history. Why are all anesthesiologists good looking? Is this like a rule when interns apply to particular specialties? It's kind of strange. As handsome anesthesiologist walks away dh looks slightly freaked and said that he forgot about the health risks (I have some heart weirdness which mildly increases those risks, but not a big deal). That was sweet.
11.05am dh leaves to do his part of the deal and I go into the procedure room. My wonderful doctor shouts out across the hall, "hi!" as I'm on my way in. I love her. About 10 people (so it seems) are all squeezed into this rather small dark room and are arranging me on a skinny short bed with scoops to hold my knees up and very spread apart. Lots of monitors hooked up to me, lots of tubes and wires and blankets. I remember the cute anesthesiologist commenting on my cold hands and asking a nurse to get me a warm blanket. My wonderful doctor gets me all arranged, I make some comment about how I think I like the traditional method better than all of this, they chuckle. I wonder how many people say that. I also made some comment about my "litter"... how many people joke about that too? I remember nothing else.
12pm I am having weird but not unpleasant dreams as I wake up in a curtained-off recovery area with polka dots. I close my eyes and go back to happy-ville. My wonderful doctor comes in, is very happy and very close to my face. I can't remember what she said but the memory of her smiling face is nice. Wake up again a little later and a nurse and the handsome anesthesiologist are there, we chat for a while about drugs and being in a good place. He tells me about how some patients have sex dreams on those drugs, and others get really chatty and a bit too honest. I asked if I was one of those, and he said no. Hm.
The super nice nurse who taught my injections and IVF class brings me crackers and some gingerale and juice -- she mixes the juice and gingerale and it tastes wonderful.
Dh comes in, they bring him a chair. I'm feeling really good, no pain, just an awareness of my ovaries.
We all chat, get the info from the super nice nurse about what all to expect, what happens next, etc. We ask a lot of questions and she's great about answering them all very patiently.
I sit up. Get monitored a lot more. Nurse starts to remove all the heart monitors and tubes. I then get to stand up, undo my hospital gown while she kindly draws big black circles around where I need to do my progesterone shots when I start those on Thursday.
We all laugh about how crazy it all is, and how I have about zero modesty left to hold onto after all of this.
I wonder if dh still thinks I look good in a hospital gown now that he got to see a nurse draw black circles on my butt under fluorescent lights. Hm. He can be weird one, so maybe...
We are out of there by about 1pm.
I am very specific about what I want to do next. We go to McDonald's drive-through and then go sit by the marina and I take a nap after consuming hamburgers and frenchfries.
I feel exhausted but I'm sure it's not because of the retrieval; it's all of the stress and emotion leading up to today.
But things look hopeful. Dh said that the dr. came in very excited to tell him that she retrieved 6 eggs. Two are really really nice, one is ok, and the others are pretty small. He said she had an air of "yes! I decided on the right action plan here!" I like this. She's very smart, so I take some hope in her optimism.
When he gets home tonight I am going to ask him to tell me the story again.
Two good eggs. A bunch of fresh spermies. Let's see what they can do over night.
9.30 on the road -- lots of traffic, unfortunately.
10.30 check in, exactly on time
10.45 go up to the magic floor and get taken into the magic room. Dress in hospital gown, dh says that it's weird how I always look so good in hospital gowns. I don't think he was joking. Hm.
11am very handsome anesthesiologist comes to chat with us, asks about my somewhat complicated medical history. Why are all anesthesiologists good looking? Is this like a rule when interns apply to particular specialties? It's kind of strange. As handsome anesthesiologist walks away dh looks slightly freaked and said that he forgot about the health risks (I have some heart weirdness which mildly increases those risks, but not a big deal). That was sweet.
11.05am dh leaves to do his part of the deal and I go into the procedure room. My wonderful doctor shouts out across the hall, "hi!" as I'm on my way in. I love her. About 10 people (so it seems) are all squeezed into this rather small dark room and are arranging me on a skinny short bed with scoops to hold my knees up and very spread apart. Lots of monitors hooked up to me, lots of tubes and wires and blankets. I remember the cute anesthesiologist commenting on my cold hands and asking a nurse to get me a warm blanket. My wonderful doctor gets me all arranged, I make some comment about how I think I like the traditional method better than all of this, they chuckle. I wonder how many people say that. I also made some comment about my "litter"... how many people joke about that too? I remember nothing else.
12pm I am having weird but not unpleasant dreams as I wake up in a curtained-off recovery area with polka dots. I close my eyes and go back to happy-ville. My wonderful doctor comes in, is very happy and very close to my face. I can't remember what she said but the memory of her smiling face is nice. Wake up again a little later and a nurse and the handsome anesthesiologist are there, we chat for a while about drugs and being in a good place. He tells me about how some patients have sex dreams on those drugs, and others get really chatty and a bit too honest. I asked if I was one of those, and he said no. Hm.
The super nice nurse who taught my injections and IVF class brings me crackers and some gingerale and juice -- she mixes the juice and gingerale and it tastes wonderful.
Dh comes in, they bring him a chair. I'm feeling really good, no pain, just an awareness of my ovaries.
We all chat, get the info from the super nice nurse about what all to expect, what happens next, etc. We ask a lot of questions and she's great about answering them all very patiently.
I sit up. Get monitored a lot more. Nurse starts to remove all the heart monitors and tubes. I then get to stand up, undo my hospital gown while she kindly draws big black circles around where I need to do my progesterone shots when I start those on Thursday.
We all laugh about how crazy it all is, and how I have about zero modesty left to hold onto after all of this.
I wonder if dh still thinks I look good in a hospital gown now that he got to see a nurse draw black circles on my butt under fluorescent lights. Hm. He can be weird one, so maybe...
We are out of there by about 1pm.
I am very specific about what I want to do next. We go to McDonald's drive-through and then go sit by the marina and I take a nap after consuming hamburgers and frenchfries.
I feel exhausted but I'm sure it's not because of the retrieval; it's all of the stress and emotion leading up to today.
But things look hopeful. Dh said that the dr. came in very excited to tell him that she retrieved 6 eggs. Two are really really nice, one is ok, and the others are pretty small. He said she had an air of "yes! I decided on the right action plan here!" I like this. She's very smart, so I take some hope in her optimism.
When he gets home tonight I am going to ask him to tell me the story again.
Two good eggs. A bunch of fresh spermies. Let's see what they can do over night.
Monday, June 14, 2010
1800 pg!!!
So, it's a go for tomorrow morning. Please send all the good luck vibes you can spare -- 11am Pacific Time/2pm East Coast.
what a crazy crazy world... if I actually get a baby out of this it would make some sense. Nothing I do ever happens without some "wonky" involved. I sure hope we are passed the worst part of it though.
what a crazy crazy world... if I actually get a baby out of this it would make some sense. Nothing I do ever happens without some "wonky" involved. I sure hope we are passed the worst part of it though.
This must all be a joke
Do you ever get that out-of-body feeling, like you are watching all of this happen to yourself in a very realistic dream, all the while thankful that you get to wake up and make it not real? Like this is just a joke, a bad joke, and have a slight sense of relief that it isn't really happening. Someone will come up to you and say, "oops -- my bad, you actually ARE pregnant and will have a beautiful baby girl/boy!" And you can sit back and go, "schew... I'm so glad I don't really have to go through all the IF stuff. That would totally suck!"
When I got pregnant fairly easy two years ago I was grateful. I was continually thankful that I could get pregnant. I KNEW about IF and KNEW I was lucky. But that didn't protect me from the bad luck of ending up in this damn place. There is no greater force out there dolling out good and bad proportionately and as deserved. Being appropriately grateful apparently doesn't protect you from bad stuff.
So here I sit on Monday, June 14th waiting to hear the results of my latest blood test. And this is what hangs in wait:
1) if my estradiol levels are much higher than yesterday I do IVF retrieval tomorrow morning, with three somewhat wonky follicles.
2) if my estradiol levels are about the same as yesterday, we screwed up with the stims and only one follicle is mature and there's something wrong with it.
I have about 4 emails I need to send to schedule meetings for this week and I have them all on hold, waiting to see if everything gets canceled for the cycle and I can pack my week full of work.
I have that eery feeling that something is wrong. I just know it will be bad news this afternoon, and no one is going to wake me up and tell me that this is all just a big mistake. This really is my life, no matter how surreal it all is.
When I got pregnant fairly easy two years ago I was grateful. I was continually thankful that I could get pregnant. I KNEW about IF and KNEW I was lucky. But that didn't protect me from the bad luck of ending up in this damn place. There is no greater force out there dolling out good and bad proportionately and as deserved. Being appropriately grateful apparently doesn't protect you from bad stuff.
So here I sit on Monday, June 14th waiting to hear the results of my latest blood test. And this is what hangs in wait:
1) if my estradiol levels are much higher than yesterday I do IVF retrieval tomorrow morning, with three somewhat wonky follicles.
2) if my estradiol levels are about the same as yesterday, we screwed up with the stims and only one follicle is mature and there's something wrong with it.
I have about 4 emails I need to send to schedule meetings for this week and I have them all on hold, waiting to see if everything gets canceled for the cycle and I can pack my week full of work.
I have that eery feeling that something is wrong. I just know it will be bad news this afternoon, and no one is going to wake me up and tell me that this is all just a big mistake. This really is my life, no matter how surreal it all is.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
the recipe in me
Thanks so much for your encouragement and empathy. I love you all.
My dr was in the office today, so even though she wasn't supposed to be in clinic this weekend, she made a point to come see her patients who came in.
That was really good. We wanted to know if I'm just not a good candidate for IVF and to hear good practical advice.
She said that my current cycle confuses her, along with my last one. Apparently I usually have about 7 antral follicles, which would suggest that I'd have 5-9 mature during stims. It's really weird that only 3 did the first time, and only one this time. She thinks that if we don't do BCPs or regular does lupron next time around then I won't be over suppressed, which seems to be the problem. As you all predicted.
Alternatively, my eggs are just low-quality and only 1-3 can successfully mature during any given cycle.
We were at a different office today, and the sonogram is better at this one. There are a couple of smaller follicles lagging behind, so we are stimming again today and going in tomorrow morning for another look. If by some miracle they've caught up, we'll go ahead with IVF on the three. If not, we'll do IUI on Tuesday.
The tough thing about IUI is that we are the couple that can't bd every day due to various reasons... so there is always that timing issue. I think I've got dh to agree to try 48 hours, so we'll do 48 hours three times in a row and hope we get the timing right somehow. There is something about knowing my little egg can only survive maybe 12 hours that freaks me out for IUI timing. Oof.
She could tell we were about at the end of what we can deal with, but said that from her perspective we hadn't gotten to see what my eggs are like and all the other stages of IVF. So we really don't know the likelihood of IVF working for us. She suggests that, if this cycle doesn't work, we try one more before giving up.
I think I'm ok with that plan. And I won't freak out about the schedule of the next round until tomorrow afternoon, as it looks like I'll be in Paris for that meeting I scheduled a long time ago which of course will happen right when I should be stimmimg if we do back-to-back cycles. But alternatively, I could take the next cycle off and also go see my parents, during which time I will really need to drink martinis and coffee. They have no idea about any of this, and I have no intention of telling them.
My dr was in the office today, so even though she wasn't supposed to be in clinic this weekend, she made a point to come see her patients who came in.
That was really good. We wanted to know if I'm just not a good candidate for IVF and to hear good practical advice.
She said that my current cycle confuses her, along with my last one. Apparently I usually have about 7 antral follicles, which would suggest that I'd have 5-9 mature during stims. It's really weird that only 3 did the first time, and only one this time. She thinks that if we don't do BCPs or regular does lupron next time around then I won't be over suppressed, which seems to be the problem. As you all predicted.
Alternatively, my eggs are just low-quality and only 1-3 can successfully mature during any given cycle.
We were at a different office today, and the sonogram is better at this one. There are a couple of smaller follicles lagging behind, so we are stimming again today and going in tomorrow morning for another look. If by some miracle they've caught up, we'll go ahead with IVF on the three. If not, we'll do IUI on Tuesday.
The tough thing about IUI is that we are the couple that can't bd every day due to various reasons... so there is always that timing issue. I think I've got dh to agree to try 48 hours, so we'll do 48 hours three times in a row and hope we get the timing right somehow. There is something about knowing my little egg can only survive maybe 12 hours that freaks me out for IUI timing. Oof.
She could tell we were about at the end of what we can deal with, but said that from her perspective we hadn't gotten to see what my eggs are like and all the other stages of IVF. So we really don't know the likelihood of IVF working for us. She suggests that, if this cycle doesn't work, we try one more before giving up.
I think I'm ok with that plan. And I won't freak out about the schedule of the next round until tomorrow afternoon, as it looks like I'll be in Paris for that meeting I scheduled a long time ago which of course will happen right when I should be stimmimg if we do back-to-back cycles. But alternatively, I could take the next cycle off and also go see my parents, during which time I will really need to drink martinis and coffee. They have no idea about any of this, and I have no intention of telling them.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Yesterday
Yesterday the husband and I planned to take the day off from work to belatedly celebrate our anniversary. We usually go out of town for 2 nights to celebrate properly, but this year the date fell exactly on the day of graduation, when my first PhD student was finishing. I couldn't miss it, plus we were throwing a big party at our house for her and her visiting family. So our anniversary trip, that has become sacred, was sidelined until yesterday.
And with the upcoming IVF timing and appointments and injections, it had to be shortened to just a day off from work rather than an out-of-town trip.
But the day started with a follicular monitoring visit in the morning.
I can hear you saying to yourself that this was not a good idea... cue in scary anticipatory music...
Yes, foreboding is the right emotion right now.
The news was not good. I have injected myself with 4 amps of Gonal-f and 2 amps of Menopur every night, and low-dose lupron twice a day. And the result? ONE FOLLICLE. Yep, you heard right. One.
You might recall that there were three last time. Yes, that would be the last time when we canceled the IVF cycle for IUI because of my poor follicle count.
I do not like this. I hate this actually. I am so tired of feeling like a failure, so out of control, such a loser. I hate not being able to have something I want so much. I hate that my body's response has no apparent correlation to anything that I do. I hate that in the last 6 months we have only attempted to get pregnant once (a failed IVF attempt) and spent the rest of the time getting ready for IVF, the surgery, the getting rid of cysts, etc. I hate that I can't even manage to succeed at trying the last desperate attempt to conceive with IVF. I am tired of trying so hard and yet failing. I am tired of feeling bad. I am tired of not liking my body. I have had enough.
The appointment was not with my regular doctor. This dr was not very committal to any interpretation, understandably. But he clearly thought this was a loser cycle. He said he'd convey the information to my doctor and that I'd at least hear from a nurse later that day. Yesterday.
My dear significant other and I walked to the car. We hardly said a word, and I cried quietly the entire way to the zoo (where we had planned to spend our day off).
But then I was tired of crying. Tired of being sad. Tired of being infertile.
We walked around the zoo, ate some yummy macaroni and cheese for lunch, and then took a nap on the bench in front of the chimpanzees. Both of our brains needed time to process.
The nurse did call, a nurse I don't know. And she just told me to continue all the drugs I'm on and come in on Saturday for another sonogram and blood test.
We didn't really talk much about it, but the husband was clear that he wanted to talk to the doctor about the variance in follicular response from one cycle to the next. We can't make any decision until we get that information, apparently.
We talked about the logistics of converting this to IUI. For the one follicle.
To be honest, I think I want to give up. I think I want to go back to my "don't really care about kids" state. I don't want to feel like a failure any more. I want to work out again, hard and often. I want to get rid of this softness my body has gained over the last 2.5 years of TTC, a time in which I was constantly afraid to exercise much or restrict my eating much. I want to love my body again instead of seeing it as a failure. I want to be strong physically. I want to feel good. I don't want to be a loser anymore.
The animals were wonderful. The margaritas in the sun were wonderful. We avoided the IF topic and escaped a little from reality.
We got home rather late to find a reminder of work b.s. in the mail, and it brought us back harshly to the reality of our lives. All of it. We sat on the couch. Husband, feeling incredibly frustrated by work, says, "If we could have a baby it would give us something wonderful to focus on, and really diminish how frustrating all this stuff at work is. It would change everything." The sincerity in his eyes was unnerving.
I said nothing. I patted his leg. Got up. Washed my face. Mixed my fertility drugs and took my shots. And went to bed to read about the Watership Down rabbits. I chose not to let that sink in. I chose not to relish in the pain.
Dear husband came to bed a little later and we made love, partly because it was our anniversary and partly to get ready for an IUI in a few days.
And with the upcoming IVF timing and appointments and injections, it had to be shortened to just a day off from work rather than an out-of-town trip.
But the day started with a follicular monitoring visit in the morning.
I can hear you saying to yourself that this was not a good idea... cue in scary anticipatory music...
Yes, foreboding is the right emotion right now.
The news was not good. I have injected myself with 4 amps of Gonal-f and 2 amps of Menopur every night, and low-dose lupron twice a day. And the result? ONE FOLLICLE. Yep, you heard right. One.
You might recall that there were three last time. Yes, that would be the last time when we canceled the IVF cycle for IUI because of my poor follicle count.
I do not like this. I hate this actually. I am so tired of feeling like a failure, so out of control, such a loser. I hate not being able to have something I want so much. I hate that my body's response has no apparent correlation to anything that I do. I hate that in the last 6 months we have only attempted to get pregnant once (a failed IVF attempt) and spent the rest of the time getting ready for IVF, the surgery, the getting rid of cysts, etc. I hate that I can't even manage to succeed at trying the last desperate attempt to conceive with IVF. I am tired of trying so hard and yet failing. I am tired of feeling bad. I am tired of not liking my body. I have had enough.
The appointment was not with my regular doctor. This dr was not very committal to any interpretation, understandably. But he clearly thought this was a loser cycle. He said he'd convey the information to my doctor and that I'd at least hear from a nurse later that day. Yesterday.
My dear significant other and I walked to the car. We hardly said a word, and I cried quietly the entire way to the zoo (where we had planned to spend our day off).
But then I was tired of crying. Tired of being sad. Tired of being infertile.
We walked around the zoo, ate some yummy macaroni and cheese for lunch, and then took a nap on the bench in front of the chimpanzees. Both of our brains needed time to process.
The nurse did call, a nurse I don't know. And she just told me to continue all the drugs I'm on and come in on Saturday for another sonogram and blood test.
We didn't really talk much about it, but the husband was clear that he wanted to talk to the doctor about the variance in follicular response from one cycle to the next. We can't make any decision until we get that information, apparently.
We talked about the logistics of converting this to IUI. For the one follicle.
To be honest, I think I want to give up. I think I want to go back to my "don't really care about kids" state. I don't want to feel like a failure any more. I want to work out again, hard and often. I want to get rid of this softness my body has gained over the last 2.5 years of TTC, a time in which I was constantly afraid to exercise much or restrict my eating much. I want to love my body again instead of seeing it as a failure. I want to be strong physically. I want to feel good. I don't want to be a loser anymore.
The animals were wonderful. The margaritas in the sun were wonderful. We avoided the IF topic and escaped a little from reality.
We got home rather late to find a reminder of work b.s. in the mail, and it brought us back harshly to the reality of our lives. All of it. We sat on the couch. Husband, feeling incredibly frustrated by work, says, "If we could have a baby it would give us something wonderful to focus on, and really diminish how frustrating all this stuff at work is. It would change everything." The sincerity in his eyes was unnerving.
I said nothing. I patted his leg. Got up. Washed my face. Mixed my fertility drugs and took my shots. And went to bed to read about the Watership Down rabbits. I chose not to let that sink in. I chose not to relish in the pain.
Dear husband came to bed a little later and we made love, partly because it was our anniversary and partly to get ready for an IUI in a few days.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
The ice cream study
Here's the citation for you on ice cream.
We may be forced to cut back on caffeine and alcohol to get pregnant, but AT LEAST dairy fat in moderation is GOOD for the ultimate goal:
http://www.webmd.com/baby/news/20070228/can-ice-cream-boost-infertility
enjoy!!!
We may be forced to cut back on caffeine and alcohol to get pregnant, but AT LEAST dairy fat in moderation is GOOD for the ultimate goal:
http://www.webmd.com/baby/news/20070228/can-ice-cream-boost-infertility
enjoy!!!
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
The TTC acts, healthy and otherwise
Today is day 3 of stims, and lots of them. My belly is a pin cushion, but luckily not covered in bruises (yet).
While the goal of stress reduction was a little out of my control, and work has definitely failed to cooperate on that front, I have made a little bit of progress with the things that are within my control.
For example, on Sunday I put on my bikini and in the privacy of my own fenced-in back yard (where I didn't have to feel self-conscious about the belly pin holes and other lesser-desirable parts of my anatomy), I perused catalogs beside the "pool" (which is really just a birdbath, but since when does a bird pool not still count as a pool?). I got a smidge of sun and felt wonderful. And who doesn't like to oogle shiny pretty objects in catalogs? So relaxing...
And I roasted an organic free-range chicken for dinner. Yum yum.
Monday, I cooked a healthy dinner and played the piano for about an hour (which I find very relaxing, although I play terribly).
Today, Tuesday, I walked to and from school, which is a about 1.5 hours of walking, and about half of it straight up hill. While dinner won't be so healthy, I do plan on eating a klondike bar. The rationale? I read an article that said that women who regularly eat ice cream have slightly higher fertility rates. That is all it takes to convince me. So, a klondike bar every other day is the current plan...
While the goal of stress reduction was a little out of my control, and work has definitely failed to cooperate on that front, I have made a little bit of progress with the things that are within my control.
For example, on Sunday I put on my bikini and in the privacy of my own fenced-in back yard (where I didn't have to feel self-conscious about the belly pin holes and other lesser-desirable parts of my anatomy), I perused catalogs beside the "pool" (which is really just a birdbath, but since when does a bird pool not still count as a pool?). I got a smidge of sun and felt wonderful. And who doesn't like to oogle shiny pretty objects in catalogs? So relaxing...
And I roasted an organic free-range chicken for dinner. Yum yum.
Monday, I cooked a healthy dinner and played the piano for about an hour (which I find very relaxing, although I play terribly).
Today, Tuesday, I walked to and from school, which is a about 1.5 hours of walking, and about half of it straight up hill. While dinner won't be so healthy, I do plan on eating a klondike bar. The rationale? I read an article that said that women who regularly eat ice cream have slightly higher fertility rates. That is all it takes to convince me. So, a klondike bar every other day is the current plan...
Saturday, June 5, 2010
When you hit the bottom...
My dear bloggie friend Maddy has a great post today. She got some really, really crappy news earlier this week about her cycle, and her post today talks about how she is actually feeling pretty ok, moreso than she might have expected.
I am relieved, as I have developed quite an attachment to all of my bloggie sisters. I have mental images of all of you, and I have to admit that Maddy wears cute little white stockings and a short blue dress all the time in my head. :) (and cohorts with rabbits, for whom I have a special affection for right now, see my earlier post)
But to get back to my thought that I wanted to share...
It is an interesting phenomenon that even though we all have bad freak-outs at unexpected times (when it seems like the smallest thing trips us up), that the really bad IF crap doesn't evoke a commensurate response. You'd think that the horrible set-backs would evoke the mother of all freak-outs, and yet the pattern I'm seeing for all of us is that they don't.
(This is probably a lot of what freaks out the people around us though -- the unpredictability of the emotional reaction. Oh well.)
I wonder if this is something that happens in all aspects of our lives. When faced with the really bad, your brain (deep down) knows that it doesn't have as much latitude for freaking out, that a complete melt down is actually counter productive. And so, those melt downs happen when you are in a safe enough place to do it (i.e., the reminders of the bad and not the actual bad).
Hopefully this is making some sense. And if it is, I wonder if you find a little bit of solace in this as I do. I am starting to think that this means we, and more personally, that I have a lot more strength than I realize. That if/when I get the ultimate BFN that I will make it through a lot easier than I think I will (although it will be really hard). It won't kill me. It won't be the end of me. I will make it through. It may not even be as bad as some of the other emotional bottoms I've been through on this IF journey.
I had one crazy freaking week. I have had some bad crap done to me over the years, colleagues who were really unfair and just mean, and this really hurt my mojo. But this week I had an event happen beyond my control that wasn't directed at me, but rather a really bad mistake made by someone I am responsible for. This means that I was responsible for the mistake, ultimately. This was a totally different kind of bad compared to the things I've faced professionally in the past. And you know what? I lost A LOT of sleep one night but I think I handled it really well. I did all that I could to make sure the immediate problem was set safe, and I then took very quick and strong action to prohibit this from ever happening again (at least this very specific thing -- I can't control everyone's every move, unfortunately).
And then when I finally was able to sit down and get back to the non-emergency stuff, I got some of the BEST news of my professional life -- a really big grant was funded!
Crazy, absolutely crazy week. I've even left out a couple of other really big work fiascos... my poor little head.
I am so looking forward to the next two weeks. My goal is to zen into the IVF stuff starting today. Welcome to my calm after the crazy...
I am relieved, as I have developed quite an attachment to all of my bloggie sisters. I have mental images of all of you, and I have to admit that Maddy wears cute little white stockings and a short blue dress all the time in my head. :) (and cohorts with rabbits, for whom I have a special affection for right now, see my earlier post)
But to get back to my thought that I wanted to share...
It is an interesting phenomenon that even though we all have bad freak-outs at unexpected times (when it seems like the smallest thing trips us up), that the really bad IF crap doesn't evoke a commensurate response. You'd think that the horrible set-backs would evoke the mother of all freak-outs, and yet the pattern I'm seeing for all of us is that they don't.
(This is probably a lot of what freaks out the people around us though -- the unpredictability of the emotional reaction. Oh well.)
I wonder if this is something that happens in all aspects of our lives. When faced with the really bad, your brain (deep down) knows that it doesn't have as much latitude for freaking out, that a complete melt down is actually counter productive. And so, those melt downs happen when you are in a safe enough place to do it (i.e., the reminders of the bad and not the actual bad).
Hopefully this is making some sense. And if it is, I wonder if you find a little bit of solace in this as I do. I am starting to think that this means we, and more personally, that I have a lot more strength than I realize. That if/when I get the ultimate BFN that I will make it through a lot easier than I think I will (although it will be really hard). It won't kill me. It won't be the end of me. I will make it through. It may not even be as bad as some of the other emotional bottoms I've been through on this IF journey.
I had one crazy freaking week. I have had some bad crap done to me over the years, colleagues who were really unfair and just mean, and this really hurt my mojo. But this week I had an event happen beyond my control that wasn't directed at me, but rather a really bad mistake made by someone I am responsible for. This means that I was responsible for the mistake, ultimately. This was a totally different kind of bad compared to the things I've faced professionally in the past. And you know what? I lost A LOT of sleep one night but I think I handled it really well. I did all that I could to make sure the immediate problem was set safe, and I then took very quick and strong action to prohibit this from ever happening again (at least this very specific thing -- I can't control everyone's every move, unfortunately).
And then when I finally was able to sit down and get back to the non-emergency stuff, I got some of the BEST news of my professional life -- a really big grant was funded!
Crazy, absolutely crazy week. I've even left out a couple of other really big work fiascos... my poor little head.
I am so looking forward to the next two weeks. My goal is to zen into the IVF stuff starting today. Welcome to my calm after the crazy...
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Three a day puts a baby in the bay?
Ok, kinda lame but I thought I'd try for cute.
Tomorrow I start my injections phase for the upcoming IVF. I get to take a microdose of lupron (20 units) in the morning and another in the evening. In evening I also get to take a shot that will contain 4 amps of Gonal-f and 1 amp of Menopur. That's three shots a day!
Imagine all the bruises my belly will get with this regime. It was bad enough with one shot a day.
Is it just me or do these bruises take a really, really long time to go away? It's been over a month since I had a shot and yet you can still kind of make out two bruises on either side of my belly button. Very attractive.
My current schedule is to do a retrieval sometime around June 13-16 and transfer 2-3 days later.
So many things to go wrong... but work has been crazy and the politics were outrageous today. I really dislike the stress and anger this causes me, but the bright side is that it really does distract me from the IF frustrations. But since stress is overall BAD for conceiving, sometimes the work BS just pisses me off even more. Oof.
Tomorrow I start my injections phase for the upcoming IVF. I get to take a microdose of lupron (20 units) in the morning and another in the evening. In evening I also get to take a shot that will contain 4 amps of Gonal-f and 1 amp of Menopur. That's three shots a day!
Imagine all the bruises my belly will get with this regime. It was bad enough with one shot a day.
Is it just me or do these bruises take a really, really long time to go away? It's been over a month since I had a shot and yet you can still kind of make out two bruises on either side of my belly button. Very attractive.
My current schedule is to do a retrieval sometime around June 13-16 and transfer 2-3 days later.
So many things to go wrong... but work has been crazy and the politics were outrageous today. I really dislike the stress and anger this causes me, but the bright side is that it really does distract me from the IF frustrations. But since stress is overall BAD for conceiving, sometimes the work BS just pisses me off even more. Oof.
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