Fooling myself?

Over the last few days I have come to a sense that I'm done with trying to have a baby.  I can't tell if I really feel this though or if I, somewhere in my subconscious, think that if I decide to stop trying that this cycle will work and I'll be pregnant by "surprise". 


(yea, right.  no ivf baby could ever be claimed as a surprise pregnancy without some tragic accident and amnesia coming into play, and even then, how would you know to take the estrace twice a day and progesterone shot each night?) 

So it's tough to know how to deal with this feeling.  Do I act on it?  Do I go ahead and make some summer plans to visit family carefree of timing with my cycle?  Do I actually make some commitments that no sane person would make if they were planning on having a baby, you know, all the things I've put off for the last 3 years?

Am I somehow thinking that once I give up I'll get pregnant "naturally"?  I'm afraid that might be what I'm doing.  And if yes, will I be really angry with myself in a year?

How do you know for sure that your psyche isn't psyching you out?

The BFN reward list so far:

1) romantic dinner with dh on Friday, the day we get the test results (I already made the reservation) so that I can wear the new dress I found at Anthropolgie on sale  (ok, good shopping story -- I fell in love with this little hoodie a little while back.  The other day when my butt hurt so bad I broken down & decided to buy it for myself as a "cheer me up present" even though the last thing I should be doing is shopping.  But I go, and it turns out it had gone on sale!  so I got the little hoodie and the dress (can't find a picture of it on-line) all for the original price of the hoodie!  yippee!  Someone must have just returned it after a long time it b/c it was so marked down, the only one in the store, and exactly my size -- I wear a very hard-to-find-on-sale size)


2)  pedicure on Saturday the 3rd