The things they don't tell you

When I signed on to the idea of having a baby, no one mentioned that I might spend the next 3 years spending as much time and emotional energy trying to get pregnant as if I had been raising a kid for the last 3 years (but with nothing to show for it).

When I sat at the dr's office after the miscarriage, everyone said this was sad, but no one told me that I'd fall into a severe depression that would rob me of all joy for like a year.  So I kept thinking I'd get pregnant again quickly and snap out of it.  Realized after 9 months that that plan was not going to work.

When I decided to go to an RE, no one told us that the hormonal supplements for a regular cycle really don't increase the likelihood for a 38 year old woman getting pregnant beyond 2-3% per month.  So we tried this for 3-4 months.  Can you say, "placebo"? and "wasted time"?

When I opted for the better odds of IVF, no one said that it'd take over 6 months before we could even make our first attempt.

When we actually got to start the IVF cycle, I was given the impression that the stimulants were the scariest part drug-wise.  Boy was that wrong. 

Maybe the stimulants were the worst part from a physiological perspective, or from what the dr sees.  But from my perspective, the pain in my ass from the progesterone shots is beyond anything I was warned of.

I can't sit without pain, I can't walk without pain, and I can't lay down without pain.  In fact, my gluteus maximus aches all the time.  It's like I did way too many reps of a way too heavy weight at the gym.

And I don't have any progesterone-y symptoms.  Maybe I'm just shooting progesterone oil shots in my butt but my body isn't absorbing them.

So last night I decided to try giving myself the shot a little lower in the circle sharpied onto my backside to see if that might hurt less.

Let me tell you, that was a mistake.  I must have had the needle angled weird or something because the pain is much lower and it really hurts to move my hip (i.e., walk, stand up, move position).  From what I know of anatomy, I couldn't have messed anything up.  And if I'd hit a nerve it would hurt down my leg. 

I'm sitting here thinking to myself that this is just getting ridiculous.  If I knew for sure that this would work, then ok.  But for a 20% chance?  I don't know.  I'm not much of a gambler.  Are these good enough odds? 

I have spent so much time, money, and--most importantly--emotional energy on this baby project and still have nothing to show for it.  Who knew that trying to have a baby is probably harder than having one?

(ok, naive statement, but let me wallow)