oh, I forgot!

I also ordered a brest friend yesterday too... I decided there was no way that much endorsement could lead me astray!

The chair decision

Thank you SO much for all the suggestions/ideas/opinions/experiences/etc.  You really helped.

I decided to search on craigslist and found this:

The color is one I love and is all over little M's room, so it seemed like a great idea to go check it out.  We drove over last night and bought it!!!  Poor Dh carried it in this morning, bless his heart.  And it looks great!  It is super comfy and doesn't have too much wear and tear on it.  In fact, it might be better to have some dings on a chair already because now I won't feel bad the first time M barfs on it.

I canceled the p*tt*y b*rn order, which they so "graciously" let me cancel even though they were so late on delivery...  all in all I ended up spending only 1/3 what I had originally signed on to pay for the glider.  Now that's a pretty good thing. 

I feel ridiculously less stressed. 

Quick question -- need some advice

Ok, this is probably a minor thing but it has my focus right now so I can't get it out of my head.

I ordered a glider that I love back in early January.  It was supposed to be delivered early to mid february but I just found out that the earliest it will arrive is mid to late March. 

I can cancel the order, but it will be hard at this point to find a new chair I like that I don't have to order, that I can just bring home with me.

If I wait to get the chair I already ordered, that means that the nursery isn't finished and I won't have a good place to nurse until 2-4 weeks after little M is born.

What would you do -- just wait for the chair or go find something else?  For those of you with newborns, do you find that having a nice place to nurse is really important at this stage?

Thank you!

holy moly

OB appointment wednesday afternoon -- dilated 1cm effaced 60%! I wonder what the odds are I will make it to my due date. The OB said she would guess that I may deliver in a week, and highly unlikely I'll go past my due date... She touched little M's head!!!

The work problem

I'm freaking out because my due date is less than 2 weeks away and I have no good solution for getting any work done at home.  I need my set-up to be nice so that it is "easy" to work for a few minutes here and there.

I knew that I should get a new laptop about a month or so ago but just couldn't bring myself to act on it.  I also knew that I needed some kind of desk situation at home too, but again, couldn't bring myself to act on it.

So here I sit, freaking out and needing almost an instantaneous solution.  I found a nice desk on-line that is perfect for the little corner in our house where it will go, but the shipping costs were about the same as the cost of the desk.  I just can't bring myself to pay that much.

And I was going to buy an in-stock laptop from the campus store but they only have crappy ones that are pretty slow.  And slowness is the really big reason I can't tolerate my 5 year old laptop that I used to adore.

Thank heavens for Amazon.com.  I just ordered a laptop that will do and it should be delivered tomorrow by fed ex.  Why did it take me 2 days of angst before I remembered that Amazon sells computers?

I even ordered the Office software package from Amazon because I don't have the time or patience to deal with ordering a site license through my university.  They can take 3-4 weeks to get you a code.

But I still have the desk problem.

And this bothers me SO much right now because I am SO freaking uncomfortable and just really want to have this baby.  I can't find the emotional energy to deal with any of the urgent things at work that have to happen, although I absolutely have no choice for some things that I need to do TODAY.

I don't want to go home even though I am exhausted and having a hard time keeping my eyes open because I just get antsy at home, thinking about how uncomfortable I am and how I don't have a way to do any work from home.

Weh weh!!!  I am such a big baby today. 

And speaking of babies, the glider I ordered on Jan 3rd from P*tt*y Barn for little M's room STILL isn't here.  4-6 weeks estimated deliver, but now its week 7.  Given my condition and lack of patience, that is just not acceptable.  Weh weh weh!!!

I am trying hard to laugh at myself, otherwise I will lose my mind.

Doing better

Thanks for all the support the other day.  I am feeling better now, nothing like an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's dolce delish to cheer one up.  I've been a total glutton for sweets these last two weeks.  Oof.

I think the trick to feeling better is to be more easy on myself.  Yesterday I went to my prenatal massage (wonderful!), then a picnic lunch with Dh on the first sunny day in about a week. 

I then went home and mostly laid around, finishing up "The Girl Who Played with Fire", doing a smidge of laundry, taking an hour long nap (from which I woke completely disoriented -- no idea what day it was, what I was doing home, I had even forgotten that I am pregnant, really weird mental place to have been in for a few minutes). 

A totally random, weird thing happened.  I ordered the Happiest Baby on the Block video from Netflix, and just got an email saying they received it back.  I never got it though!!!  If I were to let myself get superstitious this would really freak me out.

I am not a pleasant person these days.

I think the constant discomfort is starting to get to me as I have absolutely NO patience these days.  I keep trying to pretend like I do but I'm losing the battle.  I don't like being like this as I am usually able to laugh minor things off (especially as it related to Dh's "quirks").  Dh is being nice about it, but who knows how long before he snaps. 

Little M moves a lot, which I love because then I know she's ok.  But I think she has really long finger nails because it sometimes feels like she's clawing at my insides.  Other times it feels like she's tugging on the umbilical cord.  Do they do those things?  Either one seems like a bad idea...

Almost every time she moves she runs into my skeleton, which doesn't necessarily hurt but it sure is uncomfortable.  The best way to sit is arched back so that she gets as much room as I can give her but she still sometimes seems to use all of her might to push against my abdomen to stretch it out a little more.  Gotta love her determination not to let my body parts get in her way, I suppose.

My pubic symphysis is coming apart and I can totally feel it.  The relaxin hormone is eating away at the cartilage that holds my pubic bones together.  This is a good thing for the labor and deliver thing, but it really does hurt to feel your pubic bones crunch against each other.

Couple the public symphysis thing with what I am starting to think are braxton-hicks contractions... I get bad menstrual cramp achy sometimes, and when I stand up it feels like round-ligament pain again.  I think those might be little practice contractions. 

My new mantra is to go with it, enjoy all of this.  She'll be here soon and the wonders of pregnancy will be a distant memory.  Or if something horrible happens, this is my motherhood and I'd hate to have wished it all away because of discomfort. 

I am good.  I am ok.  I am definitely happy and maybe I can figure out a way to be a little patient too...  my ob said my cervix is soft and definitely thinning, but not dilated.  If she had to guess she thinks I may deliver between 39 and 40 weeks, but that's totally a guess.  It is so weird to think that my body is doing things to get ready to deliver this baby and I am not even aware of it and have no control over it. 

Enjoy every moment... enjoy every moment.  I can do this and maybe even come out of it with a husband who still likes me.  :)

One year

I started this blog exactly one year ago today.  It has been a year of years in so many ways, and this blog and all of my blog-sisters have been one of the most important parts of it.  You have helped to redefine me and changed the way I think about the world and people and life.  I thought I'd take a moment to list three of the important things I have learned from blogging over these 365 days.

1) Feelings of desperation won't last forever.  

Do you ever have those nights where everything feels panicky and terrible and doomed.  You finally fall asleep and when you wake up the next morning things don't seem so bad?  This happens on a much longer time-frame too.  I still vividly remember those pit-of-my-stomach crying bouts from the miscarriage and other b.s., but I am in a new place now.  May I continue to have the wisdom to be patient and find some peace knowing that things will get better, even if it takes a long time, things will get better.

2) There really are people out there who "get it".

I should have reached out to the blogging community much earlier than I did.  I can't express how important it has been (and still is) to read other women's stories who confront somewhat similar problems.  All of our lives have their unique elements and no two experiences and histories are the same, but we all struggle with the same type of pain.  IF is a very different pain than most other bad things, and it leaves us so isolated.  Every day since I started blogging I have seriously looked forward to getting on-line and seeing how you all are doing.  I can't even begin to express how happy and loved it makes me to read your comments and thoughts and advice and love on my blog posts.  I am not alone.  I am not alone.  There is no better feeling in the world than knowing that someone gets you and cares enough to let you know that you are not alone.  Thank you.

3) Unconditional support is the most amazing thing to give and to receive.

This community is so different from real life, and real life should be more like blog-land.  We face enough challenges in our real lives.  Here, in IF blog-land, we reassure and hold each others' hands.  I know I am not always so good at this, but I do try.  I have learned over the year how to search for words that comfort and hopefully don't give even a twinge of judgment.  It is hard, but the practice I have gotten here has changed how I offer compassion to people in real life.  I have learned that there are many times when the right words are just "yes, it completely and totally sucks".  We shouldn't feel obliged to always offer advice or attempt to solve someone else's problem.  We mostly just need to be there, sitting side-by-side with a warm touch on the shoulder to reassure. 

I want to thank you all for sharing your lives with me, your beautiful and touching and often heart-wrenching posts.  You are brave souls to put your lives out here for others to read and find solace from.  I have gained so much wisdom from your experiences, your bravery, and the brutal honesty with which you express how you are feeling.  And thank you so much for being here for me.  I am so much the better thanks to your love.  I hope the next year takes all of us in wonderful directions and brings us even closer.

love, inB

37 weeks, lots of thoughts

Every day passes with amazement.  And I go to bed at night with a strange mix of emotions, unbelievable gratitude to be this pregnant and about to see my baby, a small lingering fear that something might still go wrong and how much it would hurt at this point, slight trepidation at what the night of discomfort will bring with it, and a strong desire to snuggle with my husband but sadness about being unable to do it due to my shape, size, and inability to be comfortable.

In some ways I'm getting close to wanting to have this baby so I'm not pregnant any more, but I hate saying that as I know I will really miss all the amazing things I've gotten to experience.  But as you can see, my belly is getting very big.  Over the last 2 weeks this pregnancy has started to get a little harder, meaning that I get exhausted very easily and hit the wall much sooner than I used to.  All in all though I have had a remarkably easy pregnancy.  For that I am extremely grateful.

That said, little M's movements have gotten to be so amazing.  She moves a lot, and the movements feel more smooth and intentional.  Last night as we got into bed Dh grabbed onto my belly with both hands and started talking to her in kind of a loud teasing voice.  She started moving around like crazy, in complete reaction to his voice.  It was really cute.  He has a wonderfully deep voice and I'm sure she's fallen in love with it as something strong and reassuring, just as I have.

I had a prenatal massage on Thursday, which was wonderful wonderful wonderful.  About 10 minutes into it little M started making these smooth fluid movements, almost like she was massaging me on the inside.  I couldn't help but interpret the movements as an expression of happiness.  I'm thinking that she could feel my body really relax and maybe even the serotonin surge, and that she liked it.

But I have a confession, one that it so hard to make.  Over the last few days, maybe over the last week, I have minutes here and there in which I feel a slight panicky feeling.  I am kind of scared.  Don't get me wrong, the overwhelming emotion these days is gratitude, excitement, and happiness.  But every now and then fear creeps in.  I am kind of scared of two things. 

The more immediate one is labor.  It is unavoidable.  I'm going to go through labor no matter what happens.  I know I will make it through (as what choice do I have?) but I can't help but have some fear about how it will play out.  How much will it hurt?  Will I be able to handle it with grace?

The larger one is the harder to admit.  I worry about how my marriage will change -- is having a baby the wrong decision?  Dh and I have worked so hard to get to a wonderful place, a wonderful balance.  Will we lose all of this?  I know it will change, and I am mourning the things that will be gone forever.  Most of the time I feel confident that we will find new happiness and new balance, and that it will be even better, although it will be a lot of work to get there.  I calm myself by remembering that I wasn't happy before I was pregnant.  In fact, with all of the infertility and shattered hopes and dreams, I was pretty miserable.  That was not a good place for our relationship, so I am not even sure that the things I'm mourning would have even existed anymore had I not gotten pregnant.  Remembering the reality of where I was, and as a consequence where we were before July, this has to be a good thing.  I really, really hope all of my confidence is right on this one.

So here I am at 37 weeks.  I still can't believe it. 

Three

The number of days I have had a cold?  3

The number of times I got up to pee last night?  3

The longest stretch of sleep I got as a consequence?  3 hours

The number of baby-related doctors' appointments I'll have each week until she gets here?  3 

(the reason for all of these appointments is due to three words: Advanced Maternal Age)

The number of blog-sisters who have had babies in the last 3 weeks?  3

The number of baby gifts we've gotten in the mail this week (so far)?  3

The number of job candidates left to interview at work?  3

The number of projects I need to get finished before my baby arrives?  3

The number of weeks before little M's due date?  3 weeks and 3 days

The month she is likely to be born in?  3 (March)

I was born on the third of the month too (but in December), so I can't help but be amused by the convergence of all these threes...

love, inB

Here we are again

I fell asleep around 10:30pm and dreamed fitfully of how I couldn't get comfortable enough to really fall asleep. I gave up around 1am when dh got home from work (poor guy).

I moved out to the couch with my body pillow and a beadspread from the guest room. I was actually doze-dreaming about that bedspread and had a physical yearning to wrap myself in it. Weird. I got up after a few minutes, laugh/complained/freaked out a little to dh, stretched out a bit, made a cup of peppermint tea, and now sit here writing to you all. I am feeling a bit better now.

I can't imagine what it must be like to have a difficult pregnancy. I have been so fortunate with such an easy pregnancy, but it is still hard work. The baby takes so much out of me, and as dh said tonight, she's growing a lot right now and that is a good thing, even though it is hard. It really is a wonderful thing. I am guessing that women who find themselves pregnant when they don't want to be must develop such a difficult set of resentful emotions, going through all the physical and mental difficulties.

It is frustrating yet also amusing to have a hard squirmy watermelon attached to my abdomen. Things like scooting in bed or adjusting positions on the couch are a struggle. My PJs get tangled around me and because I can't hoist my body very well I can't untangle myself. And then little M will shift positions so what was somewhat confortable a minute ago now feels like a hard jab against my ribs. It is quite cute that she has no comprehension of basic physics, you know the law about two objects not being able to occupy the same space at the same time? She just goes where she wants to go, her mother's ribs or other body parts be dammed. Coupled with this is an odd overall body creakiness that is hard to explain.

I am so freaking lucky not to have real pain or real problems, and I am so ridiculously lucky to get to be experiencing this and expecting little M's arrival in a month (or so). I just want to make sure that you all and the universe know how grateful I am, even at 2am when the umcomfortable insomnia attack strikes again.

Back to my peppermint tea, the guest bedroom bedspread, and "the girl with the dragon tattoo".

Things I love today

1) Starbuck's chai latte with soy milk
2) semi-torturing a job candidate who had a huge attitude
3) not having any meetings this afternoon
4) burrito with Dh for a late lunch
5) the third day in a row of sunshine
6) not feeling quite so tired today

Exhaustion and heart rate

Over the last couple of weeks in particular I find that I hit an energy wall that is very, very serious.  I can hardly move, and it is hard to predict how far I can go before I hit it.  Dh pulled me up the stairs last night, bless his heart (as there is no way he could carry me these days).

This morning, for some reason, I decided to measure my blood pressure (Dh has a monitor he uses every morning to make sure his meds are working right).  My blood pressure is nice and low (107/72), but my heart rate was at 92 bpm at breakfast.  That seems really ridiculously high.  I have no idea how long it's been like this, but it kind of freaked me out.

I called the advice nurse and she had me monitor it.  When I was sitting up and moving around it was up to 108 bpm, and after laying down for about 20 minutes it was back to 92 bpm.  Since I don't have any other symptoms, no light headedness, no chest pounding, and I'm drinking lots of water, she said that she'd pass the info on to my OB, but that she didn't think it was something to react to, just slow down and take it easy.

So that I am trying to do.  Have any of you all had this happen? 

All over the place

 I have been mentally all over the place lately.

Some of the good things running through my head:

1) I can't believe I am 8 months pregnant.  Can I say that again?  I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!  I feel so lucky and happy about this.  Hearing about web friends who are having their babies already, and some 4 weeks early, makes me remember to cherish every single day. 

2) I took Thursday off from work and took care of myself specifically, for example:
 A visit to the MAC store to update all of my make-up
A visit to several card/stationary stores to buy valentine's and birthday cards for the next few months
A visit to Aveda, Kiehl's, the drug store, etc. to stock up on my cosmetics/toiletries
A visit to BabiesRUs to get booties and socks for lil M and a waterproof pad to start keeping under me at night in case my water breaks and for the drive to the hospital, if necessary.
The hairdressers to, horror of all horrors, get highlights in my hair (I was starting to feel very mousy and couldn't take it anymore.  She was really careful to try and keep me away from chemical fumes and not touch my scalp.)

3) I have been happy with a purchase from HalfTees -- my belly really doesn't like it when things touch it.  I find that these have been really comfortable to layer with, keeping the weight on the top of my belly very minimal.

The stressful things running through my head:

1) I had a minor meltdown when Irrational Exuberance had her baby earlier this week.  She's about a week ahead of me.  Holy S*&%?T, I could have this baby any day now!  I sat down and made a list of the essential things I need to get done prior to M's estimated arrival date.  My list is way too long.  The only good thing about this is that, given the type of work I do, no one will die if I fail to finish something.

2) We had a lunch break during baby-care-class yesterday and walked over the Whole Foods Market to get something to eat.  It was really crowded and someone ran into the back of me with their cart.  It hurt a little, but mostly just rattled the shit out of me as I am very, very careful with myself.  I turned around and a teenage girl turns around to her dad who looks over at me and under his breath in annoyance says, "oh, sorry".  WTF?  "oh sorry" is all he can do?  His daughter just about knocks over a woman who is 8 months pregnant and that's the best he can do?  I was trying to get Dh's attention when a nice nurse from the hospital comes up and rubs my arm, telling me that she thinks the girl is autistic.  I appreciated this, as something like that is the only excuse for what SHE did (and did even not apologize for), but her father really should have been a lot nicer about it.  I was pretty shaken after that, but holding it together.

Until, that is, Dh decided to freak out about the "tone" of baby class.  He doesn't like to be told what to do and seemed to think that the class was directed at him personally or something.  While we were eating lunch he complained and complained and then said something along the lines of "if I had known what all this would entail I wouldn't have agreed to it."  Needless to say, I LOST it.  Of course, I took this to mean that he didn't want the baby.  We sort of stopped talking, made it back to class with me only looking half freaky, and then went home. 

After a few hours of trying to pretend like there wasn't a problem we managed to get the conversation going.  It was wonderful.  We really needed to have it as there is a lot of trepidation and some misunderstanding that is coming between us, even though on the surface we've been getting along great.  Dh was really really clear that he really really wants this baby, and, that he really wants his wife back.  It was a great wakeup call for me when he said that he thinks the closer I can get back to who I was when we first got married, the more I'd be the person he wants to be the mother of his daughter.  Maybe that sounds weird, but he's right.  I need to find my strength and confidence again so that I can be a good role model for little M as well as a loving mother. 

3) I have decided that all those instructions books and classes cause more stress than they may be worth.  In baby class the instructor made me feel like a lot of my actions and decisions were wrong -- i.e., the baby bath tub, the type of laundry detergent I've been using, the moses basket, the rocking chair, etc.  I am really trying my best here.  That's really all I can do and I refuse to feel guilty for things that can't possibly really matter.

Love you all.  Sorry I'm not posting or commenting very much.  I am keeping up with all of you, but for some reason I'm having a really hard time writing comments.  I'm a bad, bad blog sister these days.  Please forgive me!