In some ways I'm getting close to wanting to have this baby so I'm not pregnant any more, but I hate saying that as I know I will really miss all the amazing things I've gotten to experience. But as you can see, my belly is getting very big. Over the last 2 weeks this pregnancy has started to get a little harder, meaning that I get exhausted very easily and hit the wall much sooner than I used to. All in all though I have had a remarkably easy pregnancy. For that I am extremely grateful.
That said, little M's movements have gotten to be so amazing. She moves a lot, and the movements feel more smooth and intentional. Last night as we got into bed Dh grabbed onto my belly with both hands and started talking to her in kind of a loud teasing voice. She started moving around like crazy, in complete reaction to his voice. It was really cute. He has a wonderfully deep voice and I'm sure she's fallen in love with it as something strong and reassuring, just as I have.
I had a prenatal massage on Thursday, which was wonderful wonderful wonderful. About 10 minutes into it little M started making these smooth fluid movements, almost like she was massaging me on the inside. I couldn't help but interpret the movements as an expression of happiness. I'm thinking that she could feel my body really relax and maybe even the serotonin surge, and that she liked it.
But I have a confession, one that it so hard to make. Over the last few days, maybe over the last week, I have minutes here and there in which I feel a slight panicky feeling. I am kind of scared. Don't get me wrong, the overwhelming emotion these days is gratitude, excitement, and happiness. But every now and then fear creeps in. I am kind of scared of two things.
The more immediate one is labor. It is unavoidable. I'm going to go through labor no matter what happens. I know I will make it through (as what choice do I have?) but I can't help but have some fear about how it will play out. How much will it hurt? Will I be able to handle it with grace?
The larger one is the harder to admit. I worry about how my marriage will change -- is having a baby the wrong decision? Dh and I have worked so hard to get to a wonderful place, a wonderful balance. Will we lose all of this? I know it will change, and I am mourning the things that will be gone forever. Most of the time I feel confident that we will find new happiness and new balance, and that it will be even better, although it will be a lot of work to get there. I calm myself by remembering that I wasn't happy before I was pregnant. In fact, with all of the infertility and shattered hopes and dreams, I was pretty miserable. That was not a good place for our relationship, so I am not even sure that the things I'm mourning would have even existed anymore had I not gotten pregnant. Remembering the reality of where I was, and as a consequence where we were before July, this has to be a good thing. I really, really hope all of my confidence is right on this one.
So here I am at 37 weeks. I still can't believe it.
Congratulations. You look great! All of those things you mentioned are so normal. My marriage changed in ways I was not expecting. Often times for the better and sometimes when days are long, hard and stressful it seems like for the worse. BUT in the end we have this amazing child that brings us together and makes us better people, willing to put up with more to make her happy. Having a child is strange, it is a selfish act in a way. But when they are here it becomes the most unselfish act as they ALWAYS come first (or should). I'm rambling.... sorry. I am so happy for you that you are full term. WOW. Can't wait till little one arrives.
ReplyDeleteoops anonymous was me.
ReplyDeleteYou look amazing, but completely understand the discomfort at this point in the pregnancy. I'm not sure what others think, but reading your fears I felt they were completely normal and understandable. The fear of labor is well one I think all women experience to some degree or another and I too have thought about how our relationship with change after having a child. I think it's hard not to when you've been married for several years and struggled with infertility, we've gotten into our routines and both he and I are now used to our free time and enjoy that very much. Knowing all of that will change once we welcome a baby into our home does make me stop to wonder how we'll all adjust, but as with so many things during this process I have to have hope that somehow, someway we will manage and I think the same holds true for you. The fact that you're worried about it and have thought about it speaks volumes to the value you place on your relationship with your husband and that is also what I believe will help you through the challenges ahead. Continuing to send so many positive thoughts & love your way ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteYou make a stunning pregnant lady-- curves in all the right places and none of the wrong ones!
ReplyDeleteI'll be posting soon about my labor experience. I promise not to sugar coat it. Maybe it will help, but in the end, everyone's labor experience is different. I was talking to the L&D nurses about that, and they very much confirmed my suspicion about that. Some people have it way easier than others, just anatomical and physiological variation, I guess. I don't think 'grace', or any character attribute whatsoever, has a damned thing to do with it!!!
I am curious about how marriage will change too. Right now we're in triage mode.
I can't wait to see pics of your little M-- I hope you share her name, too!
I think its a good sign you are thinking about your marriage. It will change, but managed, it will be a glorious change.
ReplyDeleteAnd you look wonderful!!
Your baby bump is gorgeous! I love how you describe the prenatal massage and little M's response!!
ReplyDeleteYou will be okay... this is your time, this is your year...so enjoy it. You are going to meet little M soon, very soon, my friend. I'm happy for you!!!!
ReplyDeleteOh you look marvelous -- seriously wonderful.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had the time to post about everything -- as Lesley said above, it really is different for everyone, and since I skipped labor completely, I'll share my piece, but I don't know how helpful it will be.
Marriage? We are trying very hard to spend together time that it NOT 100% about the baby, but it is hard. Things changed during my pregnancy (and not always for the better) and I'm kind of holding my breath to see how they are going to sort out with Benjamin here.
I think the most important thing at this point is to communicate. And while you may wish for grace, I think that just bringing a baby into the world, however you do it, is enough.
you are all belly, beautiful lady! Labor only "hurts" if you see it that way. I recommend getting Marie Mongan's hypnobithing CD if you can ... the more you can relax, the better your body will be able to do just what it knows how to.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, your relationship will change ... in ways you can't predict. Just like pregnancy ... all we can do is take it one day a time. *hug*
and learn to type with one hand. ;)