Doing better

Thanks for all the support the other day.  I am feeling better now, nothing like an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's dolce delish to cheer one up.  I've been a total glutton for sweets these last two weeks.  Oof.

I think the trick to feeling better is to be more easy on myself.  Yesterday I went to my prenatal massage (wonderful!), then a picnic lunch with Dh on the first sunny day in about a week. 

I then went home and mostly laid around, finishing up "The Girl Who Played with Fire", doing a smidge of laundry, taking an hour long nap (from which I woke completely disoriented -- no idea what day it was, what I was doing home, I had even forgotten that I am pregnant, really weird mental place to have been in for a few minutes). 

A totally random, weird thing happened.  I ordered the Happiest Baby on the Block video from Netflix, and just got an email saying they received it back.  I never got it though!!!  If I were to let myself get superstitious this would really freak me out.

The angst of superstition

So, those tacos we were going to have for dinner last night?  I ate one and then decided it wasn't just me, but that the shells tasted really chemically.  So we tossed them and ate taco salad instead.  Of course I got really really sad that I poisoned my little embryos within 12 hours of them being given to me.  I tried to be healthy by cooking at home and totally screwed up.  I only cried a little, but I was really really sad about this (still am, could totally kick myself if that were physically possible).

And then I did my first progesterone shot.  Dh wanted to help, and I kept asking if he was sure, and he insisted that I needed his help.  So, I did it with his supervision (granted he never even watched me do any of the subcutaneous shots).  When I pulled the needle out there was about a 1/2 tablespoon of dark blood that came with it and he totally panicked.  I forgot to check whether or not I was in a vein, and now I'm afraid I did the shot wrong too.  Did I mess up the shot???  Does it matter? 

We did conclude, at least, that Dh should not be involved in these shots in the future, that I CAN do them by myself, and he can help by giving me a good butt rub afterwords. 

I feel like I'm off on completely the wrong motherhood foot here.  If I messed up two big things on the very first day, then I don't really deserve to be a mom.

So I'm totally going into superstition mode.  I just can't help myself.

For example, the embryos were color coded with light blue and brown.  So today I am wearing all blue and brown, so they feel at home.  Including my undies. 

Any suggestions for other things I should do?

And a very, very important question for you.  For years I have wanted this all-in-one-teddy for my baby:

After my miscarriage I did buy it for a colleague who was having a baby, thinking that would bring me good luck (karma or something like that).  Didn't seem to work as that was almost 2 years ago.

Then the store stopped selling them, but they are back now.

Another colleague is having a baby and her shower is, of course, on the day of my beta.  Should I get one for her?  And more importantly, should I get two, and give the second one away as a baby-shower gift if I end up not needing it?  Is that asking for bad karma or is it being positive?

Superstition

My rational self recognizes that my IF is not punishment for past misdeeds.  As a bloggie friend pointed out, if those of us facing IF are being punished, then that would then mean that women who are drug addicts and criminals deserve them.

Of course that makes no sense.

So there isn't a higher being keeping a detailed list of sins committed deciding who deserves what in the form of pay-back.

I've pretty much come to terms with that fact, although it bothers me still in some ways.

But I so have another irrational habit.

And that's superstition.

When I was in kindergarten I got in trouble for talking and had to stand in the corner.  I had on a cute little winnie-the-pooh dress, and I NEVER wore it again.  Afterall, that dress was "trouble".  This mentality has stuck with me over the years.

I got a bee in my bonnet about 6 weeks ago to paint my toes green for good luck.  A couple of weeks ago I redid the paint job, but not very well.  So today I decided to groom my claws.  And I dared to paint my toes red rather than green as a way to placate my rational self that keeps looking at those ugly toes with self disappointment.

While my rational self knows this makes absolutely no difference in the outcome of my tww, I still am plagued with a slight panic, that I just screwed it all up by changing my toes.  (and I know that I shouldn't be painting my toes at all with yucky chemicals, but by doing so I help to buffer against the likelihood that I am not pregnant and thereby don't feel as stupid for acting as though I were)

Do you all have superstitions you have a hard time avoiding during the tww?  do you keep them secret?