wishing

I haven't posted in a while.  For one, work has been crazy busy.  I had to review a bunch of grant proposals and then travel across the country for a panel meeting to decide who should and should not get money.  I also had two lectures to prepare last week and an exam to write and set-up for yesterday (when I was out of town).  And in the midst of those things, finish up a manuscript and forget to write an important letter of recommendation.  Luckily tomorrow is a holiday, so no class.

But tomorrow is also the day that Dh leaves for 6 weeks of field work. 

I just got back from the airport and wrote that late letter of recommendation.  My head is not right and I can't decide if I am in a bad mood or not.  I hardly slept at all last night so that might be the reason.  And it has been a long day.  And Dh leaves tomorrow night. 

The day I found out I was pregnant I had put on a little string bracelet, one of those "make a wish" ones that is supposed to fall off when your wish comes true.  I wished for peace. 

It fell off sometime today.  I am wondering if I have my peace.  Maybe, but it feels so fragile. 

Mo and Will's bad news reminds me of the fragility even more.  I can't imagine the anguish they are feeling right now; it breaks my heart to think of what they are going through.

This must all be a joke

Do you ever get that out-of-body feeling, like you are watching all of this happen to yourself in a very realistic dream, all  the while thankful that you get to wake up and make it not real?  Like this is just a joke, a bad joke, and have a slight sense of relief that it isn't really happening.  Someone will come up to you and say, "oops -- my bad, you actually ARE pregnant and will have a beautiful baby girl/boy!"  And you can sit back and go, "schew... I'm so glad I don't really have to go through all the IF stuff.  That would totally suck!"

When I got pregnant fairly easy two years ago I was grateful.  I was continually thankful that I could get pregnant.  I KNEW about IF and KNEW I was lucky.  But that didn't protect me from the bad luck of ending up in this damn place.  There is no greater force out there dolling out good and bad proportionately and as deserved.  Being appropriately grateful apparently doesn't protect you from bad stuff.

So here I sit on Monday, June 14th waiting to hear the results of my latest blood test.  And this is what hangs in wait:

1) if my estradiol levels are much higher than yesterday I do IVF retrieval tomorrow morning, with three somewhat wonky follicles.

2) if my estradiol levels are about the same as yesterday, we screwed up with the stims and only one follicle is mature and there's something wrong with it. 

I have about 4 emails I need to send to schedule meetings for this week and I have them all on hold, waiting to see if everything gets canceled for the cycle and I can pack my week full of work.

I have that eery feeling that something is wrong.  I just know it will be bad news this afternoon, and no one is going to wake me up and tell me that this is all just a big mistake.  This really is my life, no matter how surreal it all is.