so much to catch up on, but first...

Wow. Have you seen this?
http://articles.latimes.com/2011/dec/28/local/la-me-1228-ucla-death-20111228
The PI of the lab at UCLA where the staff research assistant died in a lab accident in 2008 has been charged with a FELONY and could get 4.5 years in prison.

Not all that long ago I was involved in a close-call situation where a graduate student working on her own project, in a "shared" lab space 5 floors away from my lab and office, and using her own research funds was not cautious enough with a fairly dangerous chemical, although she technically did follow the MSDS. Nothing happend, but it was close and EH&S got all involved and the safety officer kept saying that this was all my fault and that I could face all kinds of legal things.

I was really annoyed about this and have since cut way back on the freedom I allow my graduate students to have. This is sad for them, as it means they can't explore techniques that I do not know well, a pretty limited repertoire to say the least since I don't get all that much time at the bench now that I run the lab. This is stifling for science. But I feel forced to cover my ass.

As financial resources are cut back on campuses, we have lost the staff who can serve as lab managers and safety officers. "Shared" lab space has no responsible PI, and despite my efforts to try to gain some control over the space I was involed with, I was not allowed to exert the control that would have prevented the near-incident. However, because of how universities have reorganized due to budget cutbacks, whichever faculty member is closest to the incident is held responsible. Hence, in my situation, while I was not allowed to have control I was expected to bear all the rsponsibility.

I have mixed feelings about these felony charges. Obviously I have no idea what really happened, what lead up to it, etc. The end result is horrible, and I am a bit surprised that Harran, the prof, doesn't have any mention of the scientist who was killed on his lab website...

But from my own personal experiences and seeing how more and more responsibilty and liability is being put onto the shoulders of PIs with shrinking institutional support, I feel like faculty are in a horrible position. How are we honestly supposed to do all of the work to develop research projects, procure grant funding, teach classes, design research, get all of the permissions for that research (be it IACUC, IRB, BUA, etc.), mentor students, write letters of recommendation, write papers, AND be paying super close attention to the details of what every single person in your lab is doing even if they are not working on one of your projects but rather on their own independently funded project. Don't forget about service on departmental and campus committees, reviewing manuscripts, etc. Add onto this the increasing adminsitrative work that my university has been shifting onto our shoulders in order to save costs by reducing administrative staff (i.e., professors can do their own xyz themselves in just 15 minutes!), and this is getting ridiculous.

I feel really nickled and dimed to death, and I hate that if anyone screws up in my lab I am the one who pays the price no matter what. To think that this could result in a felony charge as well as having my ass sued in criminal court... I am worried about this precedent.

behavior modification

While M has definitely figured out how to go to sleep at night well, she still wakes up a lot. I tried to tell myself not to go to her until she'd been in her crib for at least 7 hours, thinking that was a good time-frame for when she might actually be getting hungry. That worked perfectly for one night.

Then I ran into the problem that she was having total melt downs from the moment I put her in her car seat coming home from day care until she went to bed.

I am sort of slow, but after 3 evenings of this I decided to try pickng her up earlier and putting her to bed at a ridiculously early hour (despite everything and everyone I checked with saying 6:30-7pm is a good bedtime for her age).

THAT worked like a charm. She was her wonderful sweet little M self, and totally zonked out without any tears at all by 5:45pm.

But then she starts waking up at 1am, and maybe every 2.5 hours from then on out...

I do not have enough adrenaline for this schedule.

The answer for my sanity is to go to sleep early. But there is really no way I can go to sleep at 6pm, which would be what it would take to get a solid 5 hours. But I am trying to sleep train myslef to go to bed around 9:30pm.

And I am trying to find a good way to work my schedule so that I can pick M up at 4pm every day, but it is so hard not to have things get scheduled up until 5pm, since I work in the 12-hour-work-day-world. But I am working on it. One really nice thing about the super early bedtime, aside from having a happier baby which is obviously the best part of it, is that my brain still sort of functions at 6pm. So this evening I wrote 2 letters of recommedation and quickly perused a re-review for a journal after M went to sleep. Can you say "productive"? yippee!

Ethical/child torture question for you:

1) grandmother's retirement community is coming to a nighttime Christmas tree thing very close to my house on Thursday. It doesn't start until 6:30pm. I know it would mean the world to her if her grand daughter were there to meet her, esp in front of all her new friends. While M might be ok at the time because of all the excitement, do you think it is ok to torture one's child for something like this?

2) ditto for a volunteer santa thing I have going on on Sunday. It doesn't start until 6pm and is an hour away from where I live... I can likely be home by 8pm.

do you think it is ok to keep a 9 month old up way past her bedtime to accommodate some adult needs from time to time? Or, should I work a little harder on modifying my behavior and just say that I can't keep her out/up that long past her bedtime? so hard to find the line between me being over-protective & freaky and my being selfish and not respecting M's routine enough...

and yes, I should be doing something else

like preparing for the talk I have to give at noon tomorrow, or writing the letter of recommedation for a colleague's big award nomination that is due on Tuesday (and has to be cowritten with a jerk colleague who insisted that he is busier than I am), or reading at least one of the two dissertations that got dropped on my lap by students who are late and absolutely have to have my comments back by wednsday, or reviewing that article that was due on Nov 29th.

but you know what? I am finding it very difficult to care. I had such a nice day playing with M, putting up a christmas tree and then doing a photo shoot of M in her santa dress in front of it, and then in her grinch t-shirt... and now I am catching up on blog posts.

life is good. M has taught me to really step away. It will all work out somehow...

Do you pump at work?

I have been pumping at school for the two days a week I've been going in for a few months now.  I lug my pump with me and take 30 minutes to do two-breasted hands-free pumping sometime in the middle of the day.  I am not good at mimicking the nursing if I were at home because it would take more time.  I feel a little uncomfortable pumping at work.

Ok, honestly, I hate pumping.  I feel uncomfortable pumping ANYWHERE.

But now that I am going to start being at work for 4-5 hours a day during the week I need to come up with a system that works better.  I dislike pumping in my office because we have thin walls and I know that the graduate students in my lab can hear it. 

Another thing to add into the equation:  I am going to start freezing more milk in September for my sister's baby.  

Any advice on the logistics of pumping more often?

4month birthday: settling love

A month or so ago one of my graduate students asked me if I actually had time to do anything aside from look after Mads.  She wanted to know, on a personal level, what is was like to have a baby.

I described it as being kind of overwhelming and distracting in a wonderful way, like when you are falling in love.  You know those weeks or months when you can't really do anything except think about that person? Can't even stand to take a shower without them because that's too long to be apart?  You feel so special and overwhelmingly wonderful and unique, like no one else could possibly understand how passionate this emotion is.  

I felt/feel that way about Mads and have wondered how in the world I will ever be able to focus on work again. 

But I think I am starting to get settled in our love.  Yesterday I went to school and actually started doing a literature search and read a couple of articles.  I forgot to watch the clock while I was there and two hours flew by without my once jerking out of the focus of research.  I brought an article home and read while she napped, and I actually remember what I read. 

We take Mads to the orientation for her day care program this afternoon.  Despite my earlier angst I am actually kind of excited to see what she thinks of it.  I think she's going to really like it.  I look forward to seeing the expression on her face.  There will be some other babies there, her future friends.  How cool is that?

I'm just about there, ready to figure out a schedule that has more work-time in it for me.  We will spend about 10 days with my family across the country from July 24-August 4th and then we settle into day care and the new schedule. 

Mads is 4 months old today and I am just about ready. 

I couldn't envision how I'd ever get to feel this way but I am so relieved that baby-love settles just like romantic-love. 

The poopy side of childcare

Mads is napping in her room, which is a good 30 feet away from me.  I just heard her fart, a nice juicy one.  Always makes me snicker.  I'm so proud when she makes good use of those diapers... challenging their capacity...

I need some support/advice/thoughts on childcare.  At some point I need to work more than 8 hours a week.  Since I don't technically work over the summer* I am ok with letting my lab kind of go to hell for a few more months while I enjoy my baby. (*Such an ironic twist to the professor job, we work just as much over the summer but are technically speaking not being paid unless you are really lucky and have a grant that pays summer salary.  Since I'm in evolutionary biology and funded through NSF and small non-profit foundations that ain't happening.)

Starting in late August I need to be available to go to school during the work week.  I don't necessarily have to be there full time since I have leave from teaching for another semester, but I do need childcare that is more accommodating.  I have a wonderful nanny for Mads right now who comes on Wednesdays and Fridays, but the most she can do starting in August is 4 days a week.

Surprisingly, we got Mads into the university's childcare program.  It is a wonderful program and really hard to get into.  I didn't think we even had a shot but applied anyway.  I think the fact that dh and I both work at the university and have been here so long amazingly pushed us to the top of the list.  Mads got in right away.

It is a really good program since it is "child development" rather than day care per se, but it is still a situation where there are nine infants in her class and three teachers.  It isn't the one-on-one attention that a nanny can provide.

All of the baby instruction books I read go on and on about how one-on-one care is the ideal and a day care situation is acceptable if absolutely necessary.

Do you all know of anyone, or do you use a day care type of childcare and are there any success stories? 

When I think of the logistics of our day-to-day lives I really like the day care thing.  This place is about 5 blocks (about 600 steps, I counted) from my office.  I can park my car right beside it, drop Mads off and then walk to work, stopping for coffee along the way.  The place is open from 7:30am to 5:30pm so I can drop her off and pick her up with a lot of flexibility.  I envision her being in daycare for about 4-5 hours a day, giving me a good 3-4 hours of work every day of the week.  I can do email and other things at home when she naps and at night and get in another 2 hours each day.  This will be enough to keep my lab running at a decent level for the next academic year.  And, will give me a nice amount of time with Mads.

The nanny situation sounds like it is probably the best for Mads, but it commits me to working full days 4 days a week.  I can't decide not to go to school one day when I don't have any meetings and stay home to play with Mads if the nanny is showing up.  Plus, it leaves me unavailable for school things one day a week, which I know will be problematical.  There is always shit that comes up that I need to deal with, and not being available at all one day during the week will mean that it will always be on that day.  I am pretty against taking Mads to school with me regularly as I really want to avoid ever feeling like she is keeping me from doing work things.  Better to keep them separate so that I am "all there" wherever that happens to be.  And, I will never ask any of my students to babysit.  That just feels like a big, big mistake.

And Mads has a really easy-going personality so far.  She seems to really like new places and people, is happy to be held by anyone, falls asleep easily, likes to eat so much that she's not really all that particular (but see my adventures in nursing 1 and 2), and is basically a really easy baby.  I don't know if that is good or bad for a day care situation, but I think it is good (or does it mean she'll get ignored, you know "squeaky wheel gets the grease"?)

Plus, and this is probably not inconsequential, I have to be honest and admit that I have a bit of a jealousy issue that I am working hard to contain.  It is hard to explain but let me try through an anecdote.  The nanny has taken to trimming Mads' fingernails all the time and keeping them very short.  Yes, this is a good thing for Mads' sake but I want to be the one who gets to trim her nails.  It bothers me.  You know what I mean?  Does that make sense? 

And the other very selfish reason I lean towards the day care thing?  I will make friends with the other parents, something I have been longing for for so long.

But I angst over the guilt.  Do you decide what is best for the baby, what is best for you, what feels best for your relationship?  Financially it is a wash, four days a week of nanny is about the same as five days of day care.  What would you all do in my situation?  Any success stories with day care to share? 

You'll love this one...

I've mentioned that some of the men at work have been oddly nice and warm to me now that I am obviously pregnant.  However, do not labor under the illusion that everyone I work with is so compassionate and kind.

I want to share an asshole story with you.

I am serving on a search committee for a new faculty member in our department.  I almost turned the committee assignment down, since I'm on leave, but I felt like I could do it and wanted to have a say in the process (plus, it's an honor to be asked).  Oh, and the chair of the committee is going to try and railroad someone through whom many of us don't like, so I thought I could make an important difference.

Anyway, I'm on this committee, have worked hard on it and been instrumental at key points.

The chair of the committee just decided that each member would "host" a candidate when he visits (they are all men).  This means meeting him for breakfast on the first morning, keeping an eye on their schedules, introducing him  before his talk, making sure he is ok, etc.  I've been on about 4 search committees before at this university and this is the first time the chair of the committee didn't "host" all the candidates himself.  So that's weird.

But whatever.

The asshole thing is that the chair came into my office a month or so ago and acted all happy for me being pregnant (he blatantly asked).  I didn't dwell on it but was thankful for his good wishes, and was upfront about my due date.

The candidates are all coming in February because another person on the committee mistakenly planned a lot of travel in January.

So, all these dinners and other obligations in February.  Keep in mind I'm due March 8th and the committee chair knows this.

He sends out an email the other day suggesting who would "host" which candidate on what dates. 

He signs me up to host the very last candidate who is coming a week before my due date.

Now, you might be thinking that the guy is just clueless about pregnancy and birth and didn't think about it when he assigned me to this date.  But that would not be true because his wife just gave birth less than a year ago.

He did it intentionally so that I would have to either ask for it to be changed because of my "condition" or likely be unable to do this at the last minute because of my "condition".  He wants me to have to say that I can't do something because I'm pregnant and be forced to ask for a favor/special accommodation. 

And the department wonders why women feel hostility here...  what an asshole.  So not surprising.

wishing

I haven't posted in a while.  For one, work has been crazy busy.  I had to review a bunch of grant proposals and then travel across the country for a panel meeting to decide who should and should not get money.  I also had two lectures to prepare last week and an exam to write and set-up for yesterday (when I was out of town).  And in the midst of those things, finish up a manuscript and forget to write an important letter of recommendation.  Luckily tomorrow is a holiday, so no class.

But tomorrow is also the day that Dh leaves for 6 weeks of field work. 

I just got back from the airport and wrote that late letter of recommendation.  My head is not right and I can't decide if I am in a bad mood or not.  I hardly slept at all last night so that might be the reason.  And it has been a long day.  And Dh leaves tomorrow night. 

The day I found out I was pregnant I had put on a little string bracelet, one of those "make a wish" ones that is supposed to fall off when your wish comes true.  I wished for peace. 

It fell off sometime today.  I am wondering if I have my peace.  Maybe, but it feels so fragile. 

Mo and Will's bad news reminds me of the fragility even more.  I can't imagine the anguish they are feeling right now; it breaks my heart to think of what they are going through.

Requesting Leave

Here is my confession.

I am 22 weeks pregnant.  It is November 3rd.  My husband teaches in the spring and legally has the right to take paternity leave from teaching for the entire semester, but we need to start the paperwork to get someone else to teach his class for him asap.  He will leave for the field next week, meaning he'll be out of communication until the end of December.  So, all dept admin for the switch in instructors needs to be done before he goes.

I don't technically teach next semester (I know, cushy teaching job but that's the one perk of being in the sciences).  So my leave is much less urgent.  Although I do need to put in for it since I intend to take my teaching release next fall and someone will need to be found to teach my class (no one in my dept could do it - long story).

I am really, really freaked out about doing this.  Once my email and the signed forms are out of my hands people will know.  If something goes wrong, people will know.

I do not have a good relationship with my dean or department chair, or the academic personnel officer for that matter (she adores the chair and dislikes me, even though she doesn't know the history at all).  The chair and dean have both mistreated me as a second class citizen.  The former chair so egregiously discriminated against me that the chancellor apologized, although the chair never got in trouble for it.  I work in a male-dominated discipline.  I learned very early on that being a woman is a handicap in this field.  Reproducing is just going to remind everyone that I'm a woman even moreso than the skirts I often wear.

I find this baby a safe-haven mentally from the cruel academic world I inhabit.  She is my escape from all of that, the gravity that will keep me real and human.  Sharing her with all of these assholes makes me sick to my stomach.  And yet, I have to tell them.  I have no choice.

I absolutely have to confront the interaction between this wonderful personal thing and my evil work-world.  But it is so incredibly hard to walk my butt down to the office and hand in my forms and hit send on that email.  I need some emotional fortitude... 

mismatched brain today

I have had one of those weeks that make me wonder how I will ever manage to juggle a child AND a career as a professor.  Seriously, 12 hours days every single day dealing with urgent crap and a baby are just not compatible...  oh well.  It will all work out somehow. 

As long as I managed to make it through the next month, that is.  I have a ridiculous number of very big deadlines and SOOOOO much to do before each of them.  Oof.

And all I can seem to make myself want to do today is search around on the internet for nursery decoration themes.  I'm thinking "jungle" would be super cute... I love monkeys.

Must get head back on work things...

Oh no, please, YOU first

Two posts here and here have gotten me thinking about the inequity of the IF situation.

I had a meeting with my dean today and I really pulled no punches.  I kind of figured that I had nothing to lose, and so I laid it all out on the table.  One of the issues I raised was how wrong it was for him and my dept chair to ask me to suck it up and sacrifice my research lab space for an incoming and more senior male professor this year.

Yep, that new male professor is in his 50s and wanted space for, amongst other as-yet nonexistent things, his young wife who just got her PhD.  Except, and you may have already guess this, she came to town 8 months pregnant and hasn't been seen on campus ever.  So he gets to jokingly complain about sleepless nights and how cute his little baby is.  And I get to cut back my research program so that he has enough extra unused space so that he feels welcome.

I think that those of us facing IF should get to have the most comfortable and roomy offices and labs and whatever else we fucking want at work.  We cover for the colleagues who have to leave early to pick little Joey or Janey up from school or be at some piano recital, we are supposed to accept the idea that people with kids should make more money, and provide baby gift after lasagna plate after girl scout cookie purchase...  On every front we are expected to be the most altruistic ones since we don't have kids of our own.

I want all IFfers to get an award attached to a big fact check for the "no reciprocity ever given" kindness and understanding we dish out at work (even if we do it begrudgingly).