Here is my confession.
I am 22 weeks pregnant. It is November 3rd. My husband teaches in the spring and legally has the right to take paternity leave from teaching for the entire semester, but we need to start the paperwork to get someone else to teach his class for him asap. He will leave for the field next week, meaning he'll be out of communication until the end of December. So, all dept admin for the switch in instructors needs to be done before he goes.
I don't technically teach next semester (I know, cushy teaching job but that's the one perk of being in the sciences). So my leave is much less urgent. Although I do need to put in for it since I intend to take my teaching release next fall and someone will need to be found to teach my class (no one in my dept could do it - long story).
I am really, really freaked out about doing this. Once my email and the signed forms are out of my hands people will know. If something goes wrong, people will know.
I do not have a good relationship with my dean or department chair, or the academic personnel officer for that matter (she adores the chair and dislikes me, even though she doesn't know the history at all). The chair and dean have both mistreated me as a second class citizen. The former chair so egregiously discriminated against me that the chancellor apologized, although the chair never got in trouble for it. I work in a male-dominated discipline. I learned very early on that being a woman is a handicap in this field. Reproducing is just going to remind everyone that I'm a woman even moreso than the skirts I often wear.
I find this baby a safe-haven mentally from the cruel academic world I inhabit. She is my escape from all of that, the gravity that will keep me real and human. Sharing her with all of these assholes makes me sick to my stomach. And yet, I have to tell them. I have no choice.
I absolutely have to confront the interaction between this wonderful personal thing and my evil work-world. But it is so incredibly hard to walk my butt down to the office and hand in my forms and hit send on that email. I need some emotional fortitude...
The good news is that THAT IS SO AWESOME that you both get to be home with the baby for so long. You and she are all so lucky.
ReplyDeleteYour department sounds like it majorly sucks. If we are indeed in similar fields (ecology/evolution?), I will have to run any professor jobs I apply for down the line by you to make sure yours is not on my list!! (although it would be great to work with you, but SO not worth the sexism).
I don't think it is the field in general-- where I work, babies are celebrated and even the male postdocs bring their babies in to work. Husbands, wives, and family life in general are also encouraged around the office. I also didn't notice any sexism in the dept. where I did grad work-- none against female grad students anyways, I don't know if the among-faculty interaction was any different. My mom even directly commented on the lack of sexism when she came to my defense and male professors were talking to me about my research as though i were peer-- it seems it would never happen like that in the dept. where she recently got a masters degree (in psych).
So basically it sounds like you are in one of many pockets of asshole-dom scattered throughout academia. I wonder if there is any way to permanently avoid those (I've just been lucky so far)? Any red flags during an interview?
Anyways, good luck with finding your courage. I'm sorry that you have to share knowledge of your precious girl with those buffoons.
-Lesley
Just because you are making this disclosure doesn't have to mean they are involved in any way, know any other details, or get to have conversations with you regarding your baby. And while they will end up knowing if anything goes wrong, I hope they at least have the tact and decency as human beings to act accordingly, or like its none of their business, which its not.
ReplyDeleteKnow that we are always supporting you and you can always come here to complain about those jerks!
Besh wishes!
I can relate.. I work in at an academic center too. I don't even know what will happen when I have to take my 12 weeks maternity leave.. I don't have back-up coverage.
ReplyDeleteDon't expect your male colleagues to understand. Kittycorraler is right-- they are not involved in your life, they don't have to know any details.. this is the part of your life that is private.
Thank you so much for your wonderful suggestions on my blog. I appreciate it very much.
I'm sorry you have such a terrible reporting structure. No one needs that added anxiety. Try not to allow them to have the power to create that anxiety in your life... this said when I'm now realizing I may have to 'come out' to my boss due to the time off required of IVF... time off that I can't pinpoint exactly which days (give or take about 9 days) - I'm sure I'll post on this soon. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteFirst, congratulations on keeping it a secret this long! Though I thought it was pretty obvious over two months ago, I had to announce my pregnancy two weeks ago at a University Senate meeting where I was running for re-election to the Executive Committee, and I can definitely relate to facing down the assholes.
ReplyDeleteThat said, there were also a surprising number of supportive faculty members in the crowd (including some from engineering, of all places). And I *was* reelected, despite my "feminine handicap." I will hope that your dean and chair act civilly, at least. And while I hate to say this, because it's not fair to be burdened by this responsibility, you know, too, that you're giving female students in your field hope by doing what you're doing. There are simply too many women who leave the sciences because of the anti-family, anti-female culture. Not that it makes your situation any easier.
It's an amazing thing that your husband will be able to take leave to be with you. Mine gets five days ... whoop de do! It will be difficult, but it will be worth it in the end.
Deep breaths. You've come a long way already. Yes, things could still go wrong. But right now they're going just fine. Your babe, like you, is a fighter. Hang in there.
Be brave. You may find support from surprising places. Hang tough.
ReplyDeleteI find that things that were once difficult for me I now do more readily, because I do them on behalf of my girl. You are doing this for her, so it will be worth it, whatever comes. When I announced, it wasn't as consequential as I worried. In fact, when I had to take leave starting at Spring Break because of bedrest, my President approved two extra weeks of short term disability leave so I could have all paid leave.
ReplyDeleteI am assuming you are at a 4-year institution. Even in the sciences, some of us still have to teach every semester. Even the semesters we will leave in the middle of to have babies, and even the ones when we return after having babies. I think it's awesome you can take a semester leave. I had 4 months off simply because summer fell right after my 6 weeks of leave.
Oh that sucks! I am sorry. It sounds like you have some rules inplace so hopefully you can avoid further discrimination. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that the work situation is so fucked up, but I think that you will actually feel a lot better once you are out of the closet on the pregnancy (or at least I hope so). And (this is my advice after having a really craptastic work environment about 10 years ago), put EVERYTHING in writing. And ask that all responses are also documented. You'll be amazed how useful that can be!
ReplyDeleteLet us know how it goes!
So sorry to hear that things are so tense at work for you and that you constantly have to think about these things - so much for the advances made by our feminist foremothers...there is clearly still more work to do. My hope is that once you announce it, you will be pleasantly surprised by the reaction you receive. Thinking of you and wishing you all the emotional fortitude in the world to get through this tough spot.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Maddy