My daughter, just over three and half years old, is fabulously friendly and personable and a leader in her class, always has been. But outside of school and home, she is very very shy. She has only recently started answering when strangers ask her name or her age. And to say "thank you" or anything like that, it's clearly hard for her.
Classmate birthday parties are starting up big-time right now. M seems to fare a bit better at outside parties at parks, but she still needs me to be pretty close by and to hold her, or at least her hand when big things happen, like the passing out of the cake, etc.
This afternoon there was a party at the house of a little girl who is in her class. She isn't very close with the birthday girl, as the little girl is in the younger age group in the class and the teachers, for some reason I really don't understand, segregate the kids like you wouldn't believe. Anyway, we go over to this family's house, a place we'd never been before. But I know the parents somewhat from things outside of the preschool as well as from our daughters being in the same class together for the last few months.
M did not want to be put down. She did not really want to be there. She did not want to talk to anyone. I finally did get her to stand on her own, and she started heading down the stairs to the playroom (where we'd been a few minutes before). I was right behind her. She paused and started to turn to go back up, but then turned around to go down and all of a sudden took the hugest tumble down the stairs. A narrow very steep stairwell with no carpet, all hardwood. She falls face first and then somehow pitches over on her face and then is going down feet first when she hits the bottom.
She started crying immediately, which is good, right? Silence after a big fall is seriously bad news. She was also starting to stand herself up by the time I got there, so I scooped her up calmly and carried her outside the back door and sat on the steps to check her out. She said her nose hurt, but luckily there was no blood. All of her limbs were intact and she seemed ok. But she was really upset. This is the first time she's ever really fallen down the stairs.
She cried for a while and clung to me tightly. And she said over and over again that she wanted to leave.
I held her and after about 10 minutes outside we went back in. I held her more, and she clung to me like a baby monkey. I talked with one of the other parents a little bit (one of the ones who came to help after the tumble). M still really wanted to go home. And she was clinging to me tightly, turning her head so that she couldn't see anyone. She really wanted to leave.
So I went over to the hosts, said thanks, and apologized for leaving so soon after we got there. And we left. We went to M's favorite restaurant and had milkshakes and french fries for dinner. She was in a totally good mood by the time the milkshakes arrived.
But did I do the wrong thing?
She is so shy, I feel like maybe I should be doing something to push her more on that front. But I just can't. Something inside me tells me to just let it be and not make her more uncomfortable than she already obviously is. I don't want her to think she's letting me down by feeling shy. Where is the right line on something like this? If I take her out of the party every time something bad/embarrassing happens, will she always feel like it is ok to turn and run?
Classmate birthday parties are starting up big-time right now. M seems to fare a bit better at outside parties at parks, but she still needs me to be pretty close by and to hold her, or at least her hand when big things happen, like the passing out of the cake, etc.
This afternoon there was a party at the house of a little girl who is in her class. She isn't very close with the birthday girl, as the little girl is in the younger age group in the class and the teachers, for some reason I really don't understand, segregate the kids like you wouldn't believe. Anyway, we go over to this family's house, a place we'd never been before. But I know the parents somewhat from things outside of the preschool as well as from our daughters being in the same class together for the last few months.
M did not want to be put down. She did not really want to be there. She did not want to talk to anyone. I finally did get her to stand on her own, and she started heading down the stairs to the playroom (where we'd been a few minutes before). I was right behind her. She paused and started to turn to go back up, but then turned around to go down and all of a sudden took the hugest tumble down the stairs. A narrow very steep stairwell with no carpet, all hardwood. She falls face first and then somehow pitches over on her face and then is going down feet first when she hits the bottom.
She started crying immediately, which is good, right? Silence after a big fall is seriously bad news. She was also starting to stand herself up by the time I got there, so I scooped her up calmly and carried her outside the back door and sat on the steps to check her out. She said her nose hurt, but luckily there was no blood. All of her limbs were intact and she seemed ok. But she was really upset. This is the first time she's ever really fallen down the stairs.
She cried for a while and clung to me tightly. And she said over and over again that she wanted to leave.
I held her and after about 10 minutes outside we went back in. I held her more, and she clung to me like a baby monkey. I talked with one of the other parents a little bit (one of the ones who came to help after the tumble). M still really wanted to go home. And she was clinging to me tightly, turning her head so that she couldn't see anyone. She really wanted to leave.
So I went over to the hosts, said thanks, and apologized for leaving so soon after we got there. And we left. We went to M's favorite restaurant and had milkshakes and french fries for dinner. She was in a totally good mood by the time the milkshakes arrived.
But did I do the wrong thing?
She is so shy, I feel like maybe I should be doing something to push her more on that front. But I just can't. Something inside me tells me to just let it be and not make her more uncomfortable than she already obviously is. I don't want her to think she's letting me down by feeling shy. Where is the right line on something like this? If I take her out of the party every time something bad/embarrassing happens, will she always feel like it is ok to turn and run?
I don't think you did the wrong thing at all. You went there, gave it a fair try, but if it's not working it's totally OK to leave. It's a party, something that is only meaningful if fun. She'll keep getting better at handling them, I am sure, even if slowly.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I am a grownup, and most of the time I hate parties too.
DH and I were supposed to go to a party today but ended up not going. You can't tell which one of us was more relieved that we didn't go. :) DH was a little sick, but we both really needed to chill.
It looks like M just wanted some time with mom!
I don't know that I would have gone to her favorite restaurant after (that gives more incentive to hurt herself to get to leave in the future), but I don't see anything wrong with leaving, whether or not she fell down.
ReplyDeleteOh, tough call. I think I'd agree with anonymous on this one, in terms of not rewarding the leaving but also acknowledging her feelings. Trying out the party (or similar situations) seems important...forcing her to stay when she's not comfortable....nah. Esp. after such a big event as a fall.
ReplyDeleteThis parenting thing is hard, eh?!
We had similar issues with our daughter. I was always more outgoing and worried that we might be sending the wrong signals by letting her avoid uncomfortable situations. But my husband was really, really shy when he was young and still vividly remembers what such situations felt like. After hearing him recount how difficult those settings were, I understood better how she was feeling and didn't force the issue. Now that she is a bit older, she's better able to navigate such situations and is much more confident. In a way not forcing her into situations that unsettled her gave her that confidence. I would have done exactly what you did. Especially after the fall.
ReplyDeleteParties are supposed to be fun for the kids, right? If not, then going home early makes sense. My one caveat is that if you were at a function that you were enjoying, you shouldn't have to leave early because the kid wants to. But that's different from most children's parties.
ReplyDeleteAlso agree with Gwinne that trying it out first and leaving if it isn't fun makes sense (but it also makes sense to ask if she wants to go and then not going if she says no). And yeah, maybe not rewarding leaving other than doing the leaving (and acknowledging feelings).
I think she needs a safe place to be ... and while I don't know that I'd reward her, you're right to leave if it's not fun! Thinking ahead to college ... maybe she'll need to know that it's OK not to go to the party that is making her uncomfortable! I would, though, try to find her a group of friends with whom she can be quiet and shy, so that she learns how to strengthen those relationships, too.
ReplyDeleteok...so i'm a behavior therapist (with adults, however), but it's definitely my slant on things. Fwiw, here's my two cents: I think the major tumble down the stairs changes things. Sans that, I would have recommended staying, which sounds like you would have, and she would have had an experience of learning to tolerate the edge of her comfort zone with shyness, and expand her horizons. BUT she had a really big fall, and it sounds like you didn't immediately turn and run, you gave her a while to see if she could calm down and recover. she wasn't able to after 10-15 minutes. to stay much beyond that might have just reinforced her sense that this scary situation was a really bad thing to be avoided (and that you're not a helpful resource to her, to boot). if we are monday morning quarterbacking, the only thing I'd tweak is the special dinner and milkshakes out with mom, because you don't want the avoiding to be a reinforced thing (i leave something i don't like and then something awesome happens!). But to just ignore her continued distress after a really scary fall would be unresponsive parenting in my book and might just make her feel there's no safe place.
ReplyDeleteI was terribly shy as a kid, and still really hate situations like parties where I don't know everyone really well.
ReplyDeleteWhat has helped me as an adult was knowing I could go to a party or dinner or whatever, feel it out, and leave if I was uncomfortable. The freedom to leave takes a lot of the pressure off, and I end up enjoying myself more than I might otherwise (though I still really hate cocktail parties). I wish my parents had helped me learn that when I was younger.
Poor M, that sounds like quite a tumble. I'm glad she was ok.
I am surprised so many people are worried about milkshakes after the fall. I would have done the same thing -- my kid is scared and in pain, and I going to do whatever I can to make them feel safe, comfortable, and happy. I don't think I am particularly naive when it comes to kids, but it never even occurred to me, until the comments started pouring in, to think about M manipulating InBetween in the future as a result of a visceral and caring response to a stressful situation.
ReplyDeleteNot just InBetween-- I knew a woman in college (the girlfriend of a friend) who *always* "injured herself" when she didn't want to be at an event anymore, forcing her significant other to leave too. Obviously there was more going on there, and most three year olds will grow out of that behavior.
DeleteYes, I had the same reaction. The little girl had a rough time, nice to take her out for milkshakes to comfort her and get things on a more positive track. I was even feeling a little uncomfortable with the pressure put on a 3.5 yr old to socialize when she is sending out very clear signals she doesn't want to. meanwhile adults admit they leave right away or don't go at all to a party.
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