An article in the NYTimes brought up an issue that I do think about a lot, only children.
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/06/09/opinion/sunday/only-children-lonely-and-selfish.html?src=me&ref=general
As a 42.5 year old woman with one child and no effort being made to have another, it is about 99.99% certain that my daughter will remain an only child.
A close friend of mine with two kids said that she had the second in order to be a sibling to her first. When these two girls get along it is beautiful and heartwarming, but when they don't, my friend worries (and I mean really worries) that her plan isn't working out.
My husband and his brother never communicate. Well, my husband called him when their dad was about to die to let him know what was going on, but the brother didn't bother to get there to see his dad. He and his wife never sent/send updates to their children's grandparents, save for a card and some inappropriate gift at Christmas time. Or, when they need money. Dh's brother never, ever even hints at wanting to help with logistics or being an emotional resource for their mom. He may be a nice guy, but he's non-existent as a son or sibling.
My sister and I get along extremely well and are very close. Much of this, I think, stems from a mutual survival of our wacked mom. But I think my sister and I, while not unusual, we are not the norm.
So, there seems to be no guarantee at all that your children will be on speaking terms when they grow up. And as such, it seems like a big gamble to have more than one child mainly so that they will be there for each other as adults.
I know I've doomed my daughter to an isolation that I'm unfamiliar with. Who will be able to laugh with her over childhood memories when her parents are gone?
But I think about who my family is right now -- the people who are the most important to me and my happiness. And it is my daughter and her daddy. Maybe it is more important that I help her see family more as the one she makes than the one I made for her... I don't know.
Thoughts?
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/06/09/opinion/sunday/only-children-lonely-and-selfish.html?src=me&ref=general
As a 42.5 year old woman with one child and no effort being made to have another, it is about 99.99% certain that my daughter will remain an only child.
A close friend of mine with two kids said that she had the second in order to be a sibling to her first. When these two girls get along it is beautiful and heartwarming, but when they don't, my friend worries (and I mean really worries) that her plan isn't working out.
My husband and his brother never communicate. Well, my husband called him when their dad was about to die to let him know what was going on, but the brother didn't bother to get there to see his dad. He and his wife never sent/send updates to their children's grandparents, save for a card and some inappropriate gift at Christmas time. Or, when they need money. Dh's brother never, ever even hints at wanting to help with logistics or being an emotional resource for their mom. He may be a nice guy, but he's non-existent as a son or sibling.
My sister and I get along extremely well and are very close. Much of this, I think, stems from a mutual survival of our wacked mom. But I think my sister and I, while not unusual, we are not the norm.
So, there seems to be no guarantee at all that your children will be on speaking terms when they grow up. And as such, it seems like a big gamble to have more than one child mainly so that they will be there for each other as adults.
I know I've doomed my daughter to an isolation that I'm unfamiliar with. Who will be able to laugh with her over childhood memories when her parents are gone?
But I think about who my family is right now -- the people who are the most important to me and my happiness. And it is my daughter and her daddy. Maybe it is more important that I help her see family more as the one she makes than the one I made for her... I don't know.
Thoughts?
My sister and I don't really talk at all (we also live very far apart). My husband and his brother talk and email all the time.
ReplyDeleteOf the three boys I have, the oldest is kinda doing his own thing and never showed much interest in the middle one. The middle and youngest ones are inseparable. Maybe it's just the age difference, but probably a bit of temperament mismatch between the oldest and middle.
I think if someone really wants kids to have each other, then you have to have a lot of kids to make sure at least some compatibility. With 2, it can be great, or not at all.
Don't worry about M too much, she will do great. She'll have friends and her own family (maybe cousins?) and will have more time with you and DH than if she had to share you.
My brother and I talk, but I wouldn't say we're close. I think that it's important to know how to create family, and how to do the other things that family requires: share, play fair, wait your turn, etc. ;) My husband's reasoning for having two was similar, but also included having someone to commiserate to about parents, and someone to share the burden when we get older. I don't think either one of those requires a sibling, though. It requires surrounding oneself with a supportive community. Which is something I'm STILL trying to figure out how to do.
ReplyDeleteI didn't read the article, but I believe I am familiar with the argument that older parents shouldn't have children at all if they are only going to have one, who ultimately grows up to live life without family once her parents are gone. I think it's an incredibly stupid argument, because if you polled such adult children of older,-single-child-having parents about whether they would prefer to have never been born, I am sure that 100% would say no.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I guess there are things you can do to help M feel secure in a sense of 'family' once you are gone. I guess start with making sure she is close to aunts, uncles and cousins, if that is possible (like your sister, but it sounds like not necessarily Dh's brother), but I think that family friends work well if not better for that. Especially if you have friends who you can maneuver into a sort of godparent role with respect to M.
Eric and I are not very social and not very good at arranging playdates, so I do want P to have a sister or brother to 'have someone' besides us. But that's certainly not WHY I want another child. That would be just ridiculous.