A very dear friend of mine called Saturday night freaking out, overwhelmed, pulled in too many directions. She couldn't sleep. She had freaked out in front of her husband and two kids repeatedly, not only saying that she couldn't take it any more but was actually throwing clothes into a suitcase saying that she needed to go back home (to another country where she's from). She works, she mothers, her husband is definitely not one of those "let's be equal" in the parenting chores department, oh, and he had just told her that he needed to go all out for work for the next couple of months and wasn't going to be able to do much at all for the family for a while.
She lost it.
Here's my take:
1) she is in serious, serious need of some alone time when she doesn't need to be responsible for anyone or anything and doesn't have to watch the clock
2) she needs to tell her kids and her husband that she is sorry she lost it, but that she feels too pulled in too many directions and needs things to re-adjust so that everything is in a better balance. She needs some time for herself and her work in order to be a good mama. I really think her kids will respect her for this, for recognizing her emotional needs and working to meet them.
3) if her husband doesn't like her freaking out, then he needs to make time to be a parent. It is his choice.
4) just say "no". You can be a wonderful mama and not be present for absolutely everything that happens in your kids' lives. Really. I am convinced that it is better to be an awesome mama who is present for 75% of the time than a sucky-ass mama who is present for 100%.
5) if she's not happy, no one else in the family is going to be happy either. To make them happy, she first has to make herself happy. No one will do it for her.
6) take some time off and have an honest conversation with herself about what she needs to do to be happy and content. This doesn't mean that she needs to set her priorities straight according to what she thinks she should be doing, but that she needs to be honest with herself. This means that she shouldn't feel like she's a bad person if she decides that she really needs to have X hours a week at work. She has a PhD and has spent years of her life doing really important research, her work is a really important part of who she is as a person. She is also mama to two kids and a wife to a nice man. But there isn't time in the day to be 100% of those things all the time. Take time, alone, to figure out what she needs right now to be content.
She seemed incredulous, asking if I ever did things like this. Do I ever freak out and take time off to re-evaluate? My answer, yes.
1) I have been traveling quite a bit for work, so those nights in hotel rooms are actually pretty good opportunities for emotional replenishment.
2) What I have been missing lately isn't work time, it has been time with my daughter. I had a series of really big public lectures in Chicago about 10 days ago and had essentially disappeared from her life for about 3 weeks. I had to do those lectures to prove to myself that I could -- those were opportunities I couldn't pass up professionally.
But then as soon as I got back, there were a series of important professional social events last week that I kind of really needed to go to. Like, a small intimate cocktail party with the new chancellor. But you know what, I really felt the need to reconnect with my kid, so I skipped it and took her out shopping for ballet tutus instead. You have to pick and choose. Sometimes its your kid that you choose and sometimes its your work. I am at peace with that. I am a much better mama this week because I rocked those lectures and feel really proud of myself. Had I turned down the opportunity, I know I would have regretted it and always been a bit resentful. I don't feel bad about dissing the chancellor. He wouldn't have remembered me anyway.I don't feel bad about all those hours spent on the lectures either. I needed to do it.
3) I fully recognize that am really bad about balancing parental duties with my husband. For some reason, I can't help but feel like when push comes to shove, it is my job to be the one who steps up to the parenting plate.
When I signed the contract to do those lectures, Dh and I had a set of very serious conversations about it. We both knew it would take me about 100 hours of preparation. I asked him to please, please, please help me make the time to do this properly. And he did. He constantly reminded me that I needed to spend the weekend at work, that I should get up early and go to work at 6am, etc. etc. He reminded me that I had asked him to push me out the door. And he did. He really carried the parenting weight for a few weeks. I am so freaking grateful. He never did that before until I honestly explained that I can't help but volunteer to be the one who sacrifices my work. I really can't help myself even when I know better. And once we talked that through, he really got it and has been so helpful. Now it is his turn, and I'm the one on deck. It feels good to have swapped like this. It feels fair. And that feeling has our relationship in a really good place right now.
4) My friend asked if I ever take time off to re-coup. Please note my mention of the quiet hotel rooms lately, and the airplane rides sans child that go with those trips. But yes, more than once I have run away from work and bought a new pair of shoes that I really don't need, or better yet, gone through the McDonald's drive through and sat in my car listening to NPR on the radio, eating french fries all by myself while my head clears.
What do you do?
She lost it.
Here's my take:
1) she is in serious, serious need of some alone time when she doesn't need to be responsible for anyone or anything and doesn't have to watch the clock
2) she needs to tell her kids and her husband that she is sorry she lost it, but that she feels too pulled in too many directions and needs things to re-adjust so that everything is in a better balance. She needs some time for herself and her work in order to be a good mama. I really think her kids will respect her for this, for recognizing her emotional needs and working to meet them.
3) if her husband doesn't like her freaking out, then he needs to make time to be a parent. It is his choice.
4) just say "no". You can be a wonderful mama and not be present for absolutely everything that happens in your kids' lives. Really. I am convinced that it is better to be an awesome mama who is present for 75% of the time than a sucky-ass mama who is present for 100%.
5) if she's not happy, no one else in the family is going to be happy either. To make them happy, she first has to make herself happy. No one will do it for her.
6) take some time off and have an honest conversation with herself about what she needs to do to be happy and content. This doesn't mean that she needs to set her priorities straight according to what she thinks she should be doing, but that she needs to be honest with herself. This means that she shouldn't feel like she's a bad person if she decides that she really needs to have X hours a week at work. She has a PhD and has spent years of her life doing really important research, her work is a really important part of who she is as a person. She is also mama to two kids and a wife to a nice man. But there isn't time in the day to be 100% of those things all the time. Take time, alone, to figure out what she needs right now to be content.
She seemed incredulous, asking if I ever did things like this. Do I ever freak out and take time off to re-evaluate? My answer, yes.
1) I have been traveling quite a bit for work, so those nights in hotel rooms are actually pretty good opportunities for emotional replenishment.
2) What I have been missing lately isn't work time, it has been time with my daughter. I had a series of really big public lectures in Chicago about 10 days ago and had essentially disappeared from her life for about 3 weeks. I had to do those lectures to prove to myself that I could -- those were opportunities I couldn't pass up professionally.
But then as soon as I got back, there were a series of important professional social events last week that I kind of really needed to go to. Like, a small intimate cocktail party with the new chancellor. But you know what, I really felt the need to reconnect with my kid, so I skipped it and took her out shopping for ballet tutus instead. You have to pick and choose. Sometimes its your kid that you choose and sometimes its your work. I am at peace with that. I am a much better mama this week because I rocked those lectures and feel really proud of myself. Had I turned down the opportunity, I know I would have regretted it and always been a bit resentful. I don't feel bad about dissing the chancellor. He wouldn't have remembered me anyway.I don't feel bad about all those hours spent on the lectures either. I needed to do it.
3) I fully recognize that am really bad about balancing parental duties with my husband. For some reason, I can't help but feel like when push comes to shove, it is my job to be the one who steps up to the parenting plate.
When I signed the contract to do those lectures, Dh and I had a set of very serious conversations about it. We both knew it would take me about 100 hours of preparation. I asked him to please, please, please help me make the time to do this properly. And he did. He constantly reminded me that I needed to spend the weekend at work, that I should get up early and go to work at 6am, etc. etc. He reminded me that I had asked him to push me out the door. And he did. He really carried the parenting weight for a few weeks. I am so freaking grateful. He never did that before until I honestly explained that I can't help but volunteer to be the one who sacrifices my work. I really can't help myself even when I know better. And once we talked that through, he really got it and has been so helpful. Now it is his turn, and I'm the one on deck. It feels good to have swapped like this. It feels fair. And that feeling has our relationship in a really good place right now.
4) My friend asked if I ever take time off to re-coup. Please note my mention of the quiet hotel rooms lately, and the airplane rides sans child that go with those trips. But yes, more than once I have run away from work and bought a new pair of shoes that I really don't need, or better yet, gone through the McDonald's drive through and sat in my car listening to NPR on the radio, eating french fries all by myself while my head clears.
What do you do?
I would tell my husband, hell no you aren't. You better STILL be present at home buddy. Come 100% at work and 75% at home, like I DO....
ReplyDeleteYou have me wanting to go home and start something. lol. Let me calm down.
Someone saying that need to check out of family time is EFFED UP and it's crap for him to put that burden on her.
I go to Panera and enjoys a caramel latte - twice a week just before daycare pickup. I also get up early on weekends to have a couple hours to myself. I do feel that pull of career and family - so tough because there isn't time for awesome both all the time.
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