The beginning

In the beginning I was a traditional girl. I got married young. I tried to be good. I had fun. But is was boring. So I got rid of the husband, acquired professional ambition and a goal. I rocked. I got a PhD, a great job, etc. etc. I am a female "role model" in academia.

After 15 years, it's pretty clear that this career is not all that it looked like. I am tired of the fighting at work, the continual struggle of being a professor amongst a department of jerks. I am tired of being one of very few women. Tired of being an interdisciplinary misfit. Tired of being neither here nor there.

So I decided to radically change my life and have a baby. I was 37.

The husband originally thought I'd lost my mind. But I convinced him. My one serious skill in life is being able to justify anything and win the argument.

We tried. We got pregnant after 6 months. I had a miscarriage. I can't seem to get pregnant again no matter what we do. Times are getting desperate.

I've not yet completely given up hope, but I'm starting to explore web sites and books about being child-free. There are some very good points raised by these kind hearted people, but I'm still not entirely sold on the idea.

So I sit in limbo now and for the last 2 years. That's the hardest part of life, waiting for it to happen. Maybe that's my problem.