It dawned on me as I walked into the ob's office that today is the day I got married the first time around. Twenty years ago exactly. That marriage didn't work out, in a bad way. I left four years later, a move that I am not proud of but that I know lead to my having a much happier life.
Isn't it crazy how life changes? The amazing twists and turns, so many of them unpredicted. And then here I am, 20 years later. A mature woman, middle-aged technically speaking. Those years having flown by.
I wish that I had had the wisdom then that I do now. I wonder what all I would have done differently. But I guess that is the beauty of age, you learn so much with each passing year. I didn't really realize it until I stop and remember on who I was. And who I am.
Things did not go well in the doctor's office. The baby isn't a take-home baby.
I've been here before, miscarried around 6 weeks with my first. I was absolutely devastated.
This time I feel so conflicted. In all honesty a part of me is relieved. But that makes me feel horrible. And I mean Horrible. Horrible. Horrible. I can't get over how the particular circumstances of every event set the stage for how we feel about it.
I'm sorry little guy. I'm sorry that I wasn't rooting for you like I did your sister. I know that my thoughts can't change a pregnancy outcome, rationally. But I still feel like I really let you down.
This is a date that will always bring a bad feeling, twice over now.
Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. Please don't beat yourself up. I wish I had the right words, but I don't. But I can completely understand that you have conflicting emotions, and I believe that is natural and okay. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteOh, shit. I'm sorry ... and I have been where you are ... after loss and infertility, a conflicted start to a pregnancy, a loss ... and more internal conflict. Sending you hugs. Even if there is relief, it's not an easy place to be.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteOh InB -- I hate even reading that you are thinking that there was anything that you did or didn't do to create this outcome. If wishing and wanting were all it took, there wouldn't be this whole blogworld of women struggling with ALI.
ReplyDeleteAnd you know what? I left a long relationship too, and it was one of the ugliest things I have ever done. Turns out that, by the time you are our age, you've actually lived quite a bit of life and not all of it is roses and sunshine. But as you said, you are happier for it.
I wish that today could have turned out in a way that did not leave you feeling any pain. And I hope that you are able to move past today and get back to how happy you were just a few weeks ago.
Aw man! I'm so sorry girl! And I know you know your feelings didn't cause this but I totally understand your conflicted heart. And I just want to give you a hug. ***hugs***
ReplyDeleteThinking of you....
I'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry...
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. :(
ReplyDeleteAh, damn. I'm so sorry, InB. You had nothing to do with this outcome. You need to know that. Go give M a big hug. and be kind to yourself.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry and am sending you caring thoughts. I'm with Gwinne about being kind to yourself.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry InB.
ReplyDeletewell shit that sux obviously as does the feelings that are coming with it. Hoping that time works miracles.
ReplyDeleteShit. I am so sorry, InB. It's good that you aren't devastated, but I know that the complexity of what you ARE feeling might be worse than plain old devastation. I really wanted this baby for you, wholeheartedly, so I can experience some uncomplicated disappointment on your behalf... I hope it helps in some small way...
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm sorry that yesterday has so be such a shittastic anniversary on multiple counts.
I am so bummed to read this post (clearly I am behind) - I totally get your conflicted feelings, I can udnerstand what a whirlwind this has been for you. And on no level does the outcome come from what your feeling internally, it's just the way the dice roll sometimes. pretty crazy how the same dat can go down in the shitty book of records, not once but twice. Is that like getting struck by lightening twice? or is it just the bitter-sweetness of life? Hugs to you.
ReplyDelete