So that was one hell of a mind f&$?! over the last month. There I was, happily moving forward in M-bliss.
After all kinds of emotional hand-wringing and worrying and insomnia trying to figure minutia like whether or not one changing table would work and how I would work the organization to include two sizes of diapers... now I am right back on the same road I was on in early January.
Schwoosh.... did you feel the wizz of my head spinning around really fast? Aside from some lingering bleeding I could easiy convince myself that it was all a very weird dream.
So now it is back to my prior worries. Although I must admit that they now seem so much easier compared to what I was imagining I was facing.
I feel guilty for jumping right back into my 6-weeks-ago life after just one bout of crying as I clung to Mads after her bath Monday night. Where did all my grief go? I guess the big difference for me is that this time I lost a potential baby but not my chance at motherhood. And since it was a baby that I had not even imagined in my life... I really hadn't yet fallen in love.
So now, I am back to where I was. Weird. So weird.
Back to buying airline tickets for my fieldwork this summer and trying to figure out what kind of cake to make Mads for her first birthday. I was reading my blog entries from around this time last year, remembering it all. Wow. What an amazing year. I feel so incredibly lucky, and happy. Despite the crazy last 6 weeks.
I don't think there's a right way to grieve, InB. Yes, your situation this time is VERY different than with your first loss. I'm guessing there's sorrow mixed in with some relief. Glad you're happy. Glad you're moving forward. And how is that little baby celebrating a birthday already?!
ReplyDeleteI am glad you are feeling much better! No need to feel guilty about not grieving "properly" -- whatever you feel is exactly what you need to feel. And it's important to remember you did absolutely nothing wrong, the whole ordeal was really out of your hands from beginning to end...
ReplyDeleteHappy upcoming cake-day to M and family! My eldest has a birthday just a few days before M -- turning 12, I cannot believe it... I swear he was a newborn just yesterday!