Do you ever feel hungry for something specific but you can't figure out what it is?
I have that all the time lately. I have it for food and I have it emotionally. I am amazingly happy with Madsy. I love mothering her, and if I had nothing else to do I would be totally happy with that. But when I am not with her I have this "need something" feeling that makes me grumpy and short tempered.
No, it's not that I am missing her (which I do when I'm not with her). It's more that when I am not with her is when I have time to think about myself. And I just am not quite right.
I could blame Dh as I could use something special, like a romantic night out just the two of us that HE plans. Maybe some sex? Although, despite an earlier post of mine, I feel incredibly unattractive and uninterested in sex these days.
I could blame the 7 pounds that I haven't lost yet, as I do feel incredibly unattractive even though I know that it takes time to lose the weight and that I am not actually overweight, I just have a pudgier middle than I am used to or am happy with.
I could blame the fact that I feel overwhelmed by my milk-producing breasts. They are definitely the dominant part of my body these days in terms of size and attention/function, and the limitations they put on my wardrobe are a little frustrating when I stand in front of my closet.
I could blame the fact that I am pretty out of shape, although my arms are getting amazingly strong hefting my 14 pound baby around. But I don't look strong and I am pretty soft all over. Do you remember that scene in Bridget Jones' Diary where she's making out with that younger guy and he starts going on and on about how soft and squishy she is? That's what I find myself doing about myself.
Maybe some new clothes? I bought a couple of cute things at Target the other day, but I really am not in the mood to buy clothes because I don't want to spend the money, don't want to invest in stuff that I don't intend to be able to wear for too much longer. Plus, I am quite limited in options due to breastfeeding logistics and need to have very washable wear (since Mads spits up milk a lot these days, and inevitably it is when I don't have a burp cloth on my shoulder).
I was thinking that a new hand bag might cheer me up, but I'm not really in the mood to spend much money since my budget is much tighter these days with childcare and housecleaning expenses (I have someone clean the house every other week because I was getting really resentful doing it myself -- it is worth every penny these days). And, Dh has managed to never be around when the car needs a new tank of gas or groceries need to be purchased. (We keep separate finances, more out of habit than anything else.) So I don't get much enjoyment out of shopping.
What can I do to get more into homeostasis? Do you have any suggestions for things that might help satisfy the craving for I-don't-know-what?
quickly and I mean pronto find something anything that gives you a quick blast of happiness because I hate to say that the moodiness lasted umm maybe 4 years here (I had another child almost exactly two years after the first and breastfeed each for 16 months so the hormone roller coaster was fairly crazy.. Some things that worked for me 1. manicure 2. audiobooks 3. fresh flowers around the house 4. something cheap and cheerful Target and ON are always good 4. baby free time.
ReplyDeleteI never tried this at the time, but I wonder now if a quick bout of exercise might have worked? I know it is counterintuitive when you are exhausted and home with a baby, and I did walk a lot, but I'm thinking an endorphin releasing charge like zumba.
umm and even though we didn't merge finances at the time, so I totally get the $ thing, I'd try to sort that too. If you want a freakin' iced latte you should get it (BN being a major baby destination)
We keep separate finances too (have a joint savings we're both connected to, but checkings are separate). I am never merging them as I remember a period when Dh was giving me shit about spending too much on coffee and stuff. So no way. I do all the grocery shopping because I do all the cooking. I hate it too, it's fuckin' mind numbing -- I am trying to shake it up (doing it multiple times a week, or on Sunday at 10 pm, or switch stores...)
ReplyDeleteRegarding the restlessness you are feeling, I don't have anything for ya. I don't think I stopped feeling like what you described since kid No 1, because I have been perpetually having a small kid around since then; caring for kids and family is rewarding but really exhausting. I get cheered up when I go to conferences and have some totally kid-free time.
Hub and I sometimes sneak out of work during the day while kids are at school and enjoy a few grownup only hours, or stay up way too late watching TV (Spartacus: Blood and Sand -- highly recommended, very bloody and explicit; those tend to strangely energize me). But with 3 weeks to go till new baby, I am sure my TV watching days will temporarily be over soon.
Hang in there. Mads will not be an infant forever and you will feel (more) like yourself soon... But probably never entirely like pre-Mads, for better or for worse.
I am having one of those days, too. My problem is that I decided to bake a pie, and with one thing and another, ended up eating all of the crust dough that didn't make it into the pie. I don't know how or why I ended up eating a bunch of raw flour mushed up with cold butter, some weird hormonal craving I guess- but it has put me in a horrible funk. Lassitude plus irritability, oh joy. It doesn't even seem to matter that I jogged this morning, which usually prevents this sort of interior decay. Also, I did dishes for hours today, and after my baking escapade, there are now a bunch more of them in the sink. Lesson #1: NEVER BAKE A PIE.
ReplyDeleteUgh! I need something like... to have sex while sprinting on a treadmill and eating a salad.
Try a drink (again-- is this always my advice?). I might have one. And stay the fuck away from sugar and white flour (or that seems to be a promising part of the solution for me, anyways).
How about a littlenpampering, maybe pedi & mani! That always fulfills a little desire in me.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the exercise ... some "you" time that is not work time or baby time would be good for you, if you haven't gotten it already.
ReplyDeleteAs for soft ... well, I'm about 7 pounds heavier than I'd like to be, and I have nowhere near your current cup size, m'dear. I suspect you've done a better job shedding baby pounds than you give yourself credit for. But I also have no time to run every day like I was doing before N was born ... and you're probably pretty busy, too. You WILL get back there.
Is is a new mom thing or are we syncing up, because I swear. to. god. I'm feeling the exact same way! I was all kinds of weepy last night for the exact same reason - I needed something and couldn't put my finger on it!
ReplyDeleteAND I got a couple of tank tops from Target TWO DAYS AGO for this exact reason! AND I have a gift certificate for a mani-pedi that I'm going to use just as soon as I get over my pump prejudice and can be away from the baby for longer than two hours.
Although I don't know if that will help. What about coffee with friends? Somewhere in my weepiness I pinpointed that I was feeling lonely. I'm looking into moms groups but even the thought of them isn't really hitting the spot. But at this point I'm willing to try anything because I'm nervous that I'm feeling some sort of PPD and I definitely don't want that!
Too bad we're not in the same area. I'd hang out with you. :-)
I also think it is a new mom thing, because I also have it often. I go to get my nails done or meet a girlfriend for dessert and coffee! I also do job searches just because, eat a pint of Ben and Jerry's in the basement, color or cut my hair (not myself), clean (ha-ha-ha), watched really mindless t.v., blog, tweet, indulge in magazine purchases and view not soft and squishy women, and lately...remind myself that I'm just fine and that my body is what it is and that the best thing I know (Ngwa) came out of my soft and squishy body (and that in Africa - curvy is good)!
ReplyDeleteI also thought to blame J or ask for more from him, but I don't think that's it.
Like Desiree, I"d hang out with you if we lived in the same area too!
Ah this sounds so familiar. I love love love being with Ben but once he is asleep Im at loose ends and grouchy. And I'm jealous of you only having 7 lbs left to lose, as I have 14, and that still doesnt get me to my ideal weight, just to my "after several ivf cycles pre-pregnancy weight." And I bought some clothes because I just felt like a cow, but that didn't really do it, as I still see myself in the mirror and want to weep (and yet had an ice cream sundae yesterday, because I just wanted it.)
ReplyDeleteHere's what I've been trying to do:
- take me time, either with DH watching the babe or a sitter. That means get my nails and hair done, go to dinner, go to the gym, whatever.
- exercise. I go to a trainer 2x a week in the early early am and that makes me feel more human. Soon I'm gonna start cardio again too.
- sleep more. B goes tosleep at 8 and there is no reason for me to hang out awake until 12. So more sleep = happier me.
But still, there is this ennui that I can't quite shake. Or identify. Let me know if you figure it out....