Clinging tightly

I am a little relieved, if that's the right word, to read other blog sisters (like here, and here) similarly feeling particularly effected by all the really horrible stuff happening lately.  Relieved, because I am feeling this same way.  While I feel like it is just one medium-bad thing after another lately in my life, it is one absolutely horrible thing after another in the world around us.  

I feel the pain of a child's suffering and/or death so much more now that I have a child of my own; I hadn't really expected that.  And the shooting in CT kinda put me over the top.  I am definitely one of those women who prides herself on not being scared of the dark or easily intimidated, but the CT shooting on top of all the other stuff lately, our home break-in, the continued home break-ins on our block since then, add it all up and I admit it.  I have gotten spooked.




A few nights ago, M was having trouble falling asleep.  It was about 8:30pm and we were sitting in her room in the dark.  The house was just about entirely dark because I'd been sitting in her room with her for quite a while and hadn't gone to turn on lights.  She was laying across my lap in the comfy rocking chair and we were singing and talking and feeling particularly snuggly.  Then I heard a noise.  I couldn't tell where it came from exactly but I really stopped in my tracks when I heard it.  M immediately clambered up and clung very tightly around my neck.  I couldn't tell if she'd heard it too or was reacting to my reaction.  In some ways it doesn't really matter which it was.

The point is that we are clingy with each other.  Very.  I have always loved to carry her around, and she loves to be carried too, but we've both been particularly clingy lately.

My parents arrived on Wednesday.  I was definitely relieved to get some more adults in the house, as it was getting harder and harder to keep it together and not let my mind go into freak-out mode. 

But it is also hard.  They want to play with M, give her baths, read to her, put her to bed.  But she wants to be with me.  And she cries about it.

Plus, they have such a different parenting style.  I am definitely into the parenting advice of giving M advance notice about what will happen next.  She responds to this really well too.  So I always let her know a couple minutes before that we are going to change her diaper, wash hands, etc.  And then I tell her it's time and ask her to come with me.  If she doesn't, I tell her that I'll give her to the count of 5 and then I'm going to carry her to where we need to be.  About 50% of the time she comes over happily before I get to 5.  25% of the time she thinks it is hilarious to have me come get her (as I always make it fun).  15% of the time she doesn't seem to care one way or the other; I carry her to where we need to go and she's cool with it.  And 10% of the time she complains bitterly but accepts it pretty quickly.  I like to think she gets over it quickly because she knew it was coming.

My parents?  They go over and scoop her up with no warning and take her off to wash her hands, or to be put in her high chair, etc.  They don't ask her which bib she wants to wear, but rather just put one on her while she's freaking out. about the sneak-attack high chair placement.  I always ask which bib she wants to wear, as this way she's then happy to put it on because it's one she's in the mood to wear.  Or, if she doesn't want to wear it, if she's not eating anything too messy, I just skip it.  If she is eating messy food, I explain that if she wants to eat yogurt, say, that she needs to wear a bib because it's particularly messy.  I am always pleasantly surprised that this logic just about always works.  It's pretty cool, if you ask me.  I think little kids understand a lot more than I ever would have guessed.

Three things about this parental situation that make me sad:

1) I hate seeing M so upset.  She gets this perfectly rectangular mouth when she cries and it absolutely breaks my heart.  I try so hard to avoid the rectangle-mouth cry as a consequence, so I don't do well when my parents so casually and carelessly (and in my mind, needlessly) inflict it on her.

2) It is really counterproductive.  Once M goes into rectangle-mouth mode, it is hard to get her back to happy-kid mode. 

3) My self-righteous mother was just going on and on the other day about how only really mean parents would make their toddler sit on Santa's lap even though they were scared and upset.  So... if M gets scared and upset when my mom rips her from my arms in the grocery store when I just got her calmed down... 

you get my point.

I guess the question I have is this.  How do you know if you are being too clingy with your child?  Is there such a thing when they are 20 months old?  I definitely don't want a co-dependent relationship, that would be mean of me to not teach M how to be independent.  But, I also really want my arms to always be a warm and safe place for her.  Where is the line between good mothering and co-dependency?