I remember when M was first born, feeling a little trepidation about leaving the house with her, all the responsibility of taking care of her outside of our little protected nook of a home. But I did, starting from her first day home, we went places. Maybe nothing terribly exciting, but I always made a point of getting out of the house just about every day. It has actually always been special to intentionally decide to stay home in PJs all day.
I knew that I needed to get out of the house even if it made no difference for her. I needed to show myself that I could take care of her without all the trappings of home, and I needed to show myself that being a mama didn't mean that I was trapped at home all the time. And, it always made me a little bit proud of myself that I did it, that I took her places, that I found somewhat comfortable secluded spots to nurse, that I could handle poop explosions on the road, and that I could get out of the house and juggle a small baby at the same time. And that I could do it and laugh, and have a good time, just me and my little baby. Small, mundane challenges but they always turned into good boosts for my psyche as I figured out how to solve each and every one. No poo-poo diaper ever got the best of me.. :)
The next step on that path was flying aross the country to visit family with M. We did that too from pretty early on, and it was always just me and M, her daddy rarely to never travels with us for some reason or another. M and I have our routines, our rhythm, our own language, our own groove. I read her very well.
This trip is the next level up. As you know, I've brought M to subsaharan Africa with me. Ok, not just Africa, we are going to two other places as well -- essentially four different research trips spread over 6 weeks. Am I crazy? Most of the time right now, I am thinking I was insane to do this. But when I decided that I would have a child, what with my fieldwork and other work-related travel, and when it was pretty much concluded that M would be an only child, I knew that I can't/couldn't give her the ideal childhood with siblings and white picket fence home. I won't be that kind of perfect mama. But I can introduce her to adventures, take her with me places and help her learn how the world works outside of our little city.
But this trip is like when she was little, it is easy for me to get scared. I have to force myself a bit out of my comfort zone. Bringing her here is a good thing, however hard it is for me (like the night before last when I had food poisoning -- she was fine, and I had to single-parent in a third-world hotel room at 2am with a fully awake 3 year old after barfing my guts out for the preceding 6 hours...) M seems to love the new adventure though. Assuming I can keep her healthy, then this is a good thing for both of us. I am really hoping that we will get home and have that wonderful, proud, "I did it!" moment.
So, you may be asking what's up with dh, as he is technically on this trip with us. Well, remember how I mentioned previously that, for various reasons, he has just about never flown with M and me on one of our trips? Similarly, there is always some (valid) reason why he can't be the responsible one. For example, he picked up a cold on the way over to Africa and so has secluded himself to a different hotel room so that M and I won't get sick too. Valid, yes? But, this kind of thing happens every single time. And I mean it. Every. Single. Time.
Can I say it? I think he is afraid to be alone with M outside of the comfort zone of our house. He rarely to never takes her anywhere. Never has. And I think it will just get harder and harder for him. I think that had I not pushed myself from day 1 to go a smidge outside of my comfort zone with M, then as more and more days passed, I would have been more and more scared to do it. It would have felt like an increasingly bigger challenge.
The sad thing about this is that, as you know, doing new things together brings people closer. And as a consequence of M and I having "adventures" together all the time, we are close. She really trusts me (which is such an amazing honor). I can see how she gravitates to me to share new ideas, observations, jokes, or when she is a little nervous, or hurt. I am the one who provides that foundation for her. Her daddy is the one who is always just telling her what she can't do -- don't play on that chair as it might tip over, don't run up the ramp as you might trip, don't go too fast down the hill or you might fall, etc. He also ends up unaware of how M and I negotiate things, so he is like a bull in a glass shop walking in and declaring that it is now time to put on her shoes... not the shoes and socks that we had already picked out together but the ones he just picked up, and not recognizing that we had just agreed that she could finish putting the dress on her dollie first (I mean really, give her 60 second to finish what she's doing and then she'll cooperate). She gets upset as he will physically start to pull her away and he gets frustrated that he "isn't as good with her as I am". It makes me sad.
Well, really, it makes me pissed off and frustrated with him. And it makes my job even harder, especially on a trip like this as it is ALL ME ALL THE TIME. I love that in many ways, but it is exhausting to not have any help.
A really good friend who lives here set up for a niece of his to care for M during the days when dh and I work. Unfortunately though, he didn't think through the timing, as his niece is taking her placement exams for university next week, so she's been studying all this week (we arrived on Monday) and will be taking the exam all next week. Then, I have to be in another country the week after for a different project, leaving M and her daddy here for 5 days by themselves (but at least with the nanny -- I think dh is terrified thinking of those 5 days, as he has only taken her to a restaurant all by himself once in her life), and then I am back here for just one more week before we leave the country for a meeting in Europe. So, that means that we really only have a nanny for 2 of our 4 weeks here... and that I only have a nanny for 1 of the 3 weeks I am here. Did I mention that I'm supposed to be doing research? Oof. It'll work out somehow. Luckily this is a culture that loves kids. THAT really helps, and is so heartwarming.
I knew that I needed to get out of the house even if it made no difference for her. I needed to show myself that I could take care of her without all the trappings of home, and I needed to show myself that being a mama didn't mean that I was trapped at home all the time. And, it always made me a little bit proud of myself that I did it, that I took her places, that I found somewhat comfortable secluded spots to nurse, that I could handle poop explosions on the road, and that I could get out of the house and juggle a small baby at the same time. And that I could do it and laugh, and have a good time, just me and my little baby. Small, mundane challenges but they always turned into good boosts for my psyche as I figured out how to solve each and every one. No poo-poo diaper ever got the best of me.. :)
The next step on that path was flying aross the country to visit family with M. We did that too from pretty early on, and it was always just me and M, her daddy rarely to never travels with us for some reason or another. M and I have our routines, our rhythm, our own language, our own groove. I read her very well.
This trip is the next level up. As you know, I've brought M to subsaharan Africa with me. Ok, not just Africa, we are going to two other places as well -- essentially four different research trips spread over 6 weeks. Am I crazy? Most of the time right now, I am thinking I was insane to do this. But when I decided that I would have a child, what with my fieldwork and other work-related travel, and when it was pretty much concluded that M would be an only child, I knew that I can't/couldn't give her the ideal childhood with siblings and white picket fence home. I won't be that kind of perfect mama. But I can introduce her to adventures, take her with me places and help her learn how the world works outside of our little city.
But this trip is like when she was little, it is easy for me to get scared. I have to force myself a bit out of my comfort zone. Bringing her here is a good thing, however hard it is for me (like the night before last when I had food poisoning -- she was fine, and I had to single-parent in a third-world hotel room at 2am with a fully awake 3 year old after barfing my guts out for the preceding 6 hours...) M seems to love the new adventure though. Assuming I can keep her healthy, then this is a good thing for both of us. I am really hoping that we will get home and have that wonderful, proud, "I did it!" moment.
So, you may be asking what's up with dh, as he is technically on this trip with us. Well, remember how I mentioned previously that, for various reasons, he has just about never flown with M and me on one of our trips? Similarly, there is always some (valid) reason why he can't be the responsible one. For example, he picked up a cold on the way over to Africa and so has secluded himself to a different hotel room so that M and I won't get sick too. Valid, yes? But, this kind of thing happens every single time. And I mean it. Every. Single. Time.
Can I say it? I think he is afraid to be alone with M outside of the comfort zone of our house. He rarely to never takes her anywhere. Never has. And I think it will just get harder and harder for him. I think that had I not pushed myself from day 1 to go a smidge outside of my comfort zone with M, then as more and more days passed, I would have been more and more scared to do it. It would have felt like an increasingly bigger challenge.
The sad thing about this is that, as you know, doing new things together brings people closer. And as a consequence of M and I having "adventures" together all the time, we are close. She really trusts me (which is such an amazing honor). I can see how she gravitates to me to share new ideas, observations, jokes, or when she is a little nervous, or hurt. I am the one who provides that foundation for her. Her daddy is the one who is always just telling her what she can't do -- don't play on that chair as it might tip over, don't run up the ramp as you might trip, don't go too fast down the hill or you might fall, etc. He also ends up unaware of how M and I negotiate things, so he is like a bull in a glass shop walking in and declaring that it is now time to put on her shoes... not the shoes and socks that we had already picked out together but the ones he just picked up, and not recognizing that we had just agreed that she could finish putting the dress on her dollie first (I mean really, give her 60 second to finish what she's doing and then she'll cooperate). She gets upset as he will physically start to pull her away and he gets frustrated that he "isn't as good with her as I am". It makes me sad.
Well, really, it makes me pissed off and frustrated with him. And it makes my job even harder, especially on a trip like this as it is ALL ME ALL THE TIME. I love that in many ways, but it is exhausting to not have any help.
A really good friend who lives here set up for a niece of his to care for M during the days when dh and I work. Unfortunately though, he didn't think through the timing, as his niece is taking her placement exams for university next week, so she's been studying all this week (we arrived on Monday) and will be taking the exam all next week. Then, I have to be in another country the week after for a different project, leaving M and her daddy here for 5 days by themselves (but at least with the nanny -- I think dh is terrified thinking of those 5 days, as he has only taken her to a restaurant all by himself once in her life), and then I am back here for just one more week before we leave the country for a meeting in Europe. So, that means that we really only have a nanny for 2 of our 4 weeks here... and that I only have a nanny for 1 of the 3 weeks I am here. Did I mention that I'm supposed to be doing research? Oof. It'll work out somehow. Luckily this is a culture that loves kids. THAT really helps, and is so heartwarming.
I can imagine how hard that would be! And I see how bonding happens through experiencing new things together. Have you and dh talked about this pattern? Wish he would make more of an effort... So sorry you got food poisoning on top of everything! Sounds like you're on the mend. Sending you much care and good thoughts for your journey. You are definitely giving her a gift of adventure and travel!
ReplyDeleteVery similar dynamic here. Except shorter travel, which is a big distinction. Not sure why my dh can't read b in the same way, but he can't right now and it makes me sad. And tired. Good luck on the trip! I'm jealous!
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