20 weeks

I am back at my parents visiting just like I was this time last year.

But this year I have Maddy with me in her separate flesh. In 8 hours she will be exactly 20 weeks old.

We have a rhythm. We know each other. I can calm her, I can make her laugh. She nestles her head against my neck in a way she does with no one else. She is my baby and I am her mama. It is beautiful.

But in all honesty I still can't believe I am a mother. Sometimes I worry when she isn't with me that I will forget her. I worry about accidentally leaving the house without her or forgetting to pick her up from day care when she starts, or coming home in time to relieve the nanny. I have never even come close to doing this but it still worries me. I have no idea where that fear comes from.

I also worry that I won't ever be special to her. She has grown into a really gregarious baby that smiles at everyone and loves to be held by anyone. Even if she is crying she'll pause for a few moments in order to give someone a big smile, as if she can't bring herself to be rude. Maybe this is just her age. Maybe it is her personality. But I don't seem to be a particularly special person to her yet, just another really nice person who is around her more than everyone else. I know this is absurd, but this fear feels real to me right now.

I am genuinely excited by her development. What an amazing emotion overwhelmed me when I felt her little sharp tooth breaking through her gum a week ago. And the pride I feel when she leans forward in her car seat in anticipation of being picked up. But as these things happen I see her newborn babyness as history, and I wish I could have it back for just another few weeks more. I wasn't ready for that stage to be over. I hadn't had enough. Now she is starting to get hair. She is starting to grab fiercely and with strength for things. She is starting to want things, like this monkey balloon here at my parents house. When you take it away she cries. My little newborn cries for want of a monkey balloon. She isn't a newborn anymore. And while this is wonderful and so fun to watch, it is heartbreaking. I am sad that she is no longer a newborn baby.

20 weeks. 60 weeks in total this wonderful little thing has been in my life. While it feels comfortable and natural on so many levels it still doesn't really feel like my life. There is still this sense that I will wake up and it will be all back the way it was.

But then in the middle of the night I wake up when I hear her scratch away at the side of her portable crib beside my bed here in the guest room at my parents house. I smile. I am her mother. I am the one who gets up with her no matter how tired I am. And I always give her a big smile. And she always gives me one too.