I long ago realized that there was no way that I could do the "cry-it-out" sleep thing. I love holding M in my arms. I love gazing at her peaceful sleeping face and breathing in her sweet breath as she falls deeper and deeper into sleep.
Plus, the sheer agony of her crying breaks my heart and makes me feel down right cruel. Sometimes I let her cry for 5-10 minutes to get some of her tension out, she then just collapses into my arms and falls right to sleep.
So the usual sleep routine is that she goes to bed in her crib around 7pm. When she wakes up the next time I bring her to bed with me. This may be any time between 10:30pm - 1am, and once it was 3:30am (that rocked).
M is getting her top two incisors. OMG this has been such an event, off and on for the last month. But the last 3 days & nights have been particularly tough. I can see her teeth now just about to break through. I am glad I don't remember this phase, as it seems like it really hurts. The uppers seem to hurt much, much more than the lowers did, as she hardly fussed at all -- honestly I didn't even realize she was teething until she was chewing my arm and I felt something really sharp.
As I said, the last 3 nights have been rough, like up-almost-every-hour rough. This is hard on her and hard on me. Remember, dh is out of town.
Last night she woke up at 9:30pm and I could not get her back to sleep. She has a remarkable talent for keeping herself awake. And last night she just kept getting herself more and more awake. I decided to go to bed with her to see if that would help but she started crawling all over my bed and getting really wound up.
At 10:21pm I decided that this was not heading in the right direction. Being with me wasn't helping. So, I took her to her crib and said goodnite, intending to let her cry out some of her tension and get her in about 10 minutes and bring her back to bed with me.
I went back to snuggle in bed and watch the clock. I remember looking at the clock again at 10:27pm. And then I woke up suddenly at 11pm. Mads wasn't making a peep. Freaked.me.out. I left her!!! I felt terrible, and I have no idea how long she cried before falling sleep.
She called out again for me around 1am, and I brought her to bed and all went on as usual after that.
But I feel bad. My baby was crying, and I.fell.asleep.
Showing posts with label teething. Show all posts
Showing posts with label teething. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Sunday, July 31, 2011
20 weeks
I am back at my parents visiting just like I was this time last year.
But this year I have Maddy with me in her separate flesh. In 8 hours she will be exactly 20 weeks old.
We have a rhythm. We know each other. I can calm her, I can make her laugh. She nestles her head against my neck in a way she does with no one else. She is my baby and I am her mama. It is beautiful.
But in all honesty I still can't believe I am a mother. Sometimes I worry when she isn't with me that I will forget her. I worry about accidentally leaving the house without her or forgetting to pick her up from day care when she starts, or coming home in time to relieve the nanny. I have never even come close to doing this but it still worries me. I have no idea where that fear comes from.
I also worry that I won't ever be special to her. She has grown into a really gregarious baby that smiles at everyone and loves to be held by anyone. Even if she is crying she'll pause for a few moments in order to give someone a big smile, as if she can't bring herself to be rude. Maybe this is just her age. Maybe it is her personality. But I don't seem to be a particularly special person to her yet, just another really nice person who is around her more than everyone else. I know this is absurd, but this fear feels real to me right now.
I am genuinely excited by her development. What an amazing emotion overwhelmed me when I felt her little sharp tooth breaking through her gum a week ago. And the pride I feel when she leans forward in her car seat in anticipation of being picked up. But as these things happen I see her newborn babyness as history, and I wish I could have it back for just another few weeks more. I wasn't ready for that stage to be over. I hadn't had enough. Now she is starting to get hair. She is starting to grab fiercely and with strength for things. She is starting to want things, like this monkey balloon here at my parents house. When you take it away she cries. My little newborn cries for want of a monkey balloon. She isn't a newborn anymore. And while this is wonderful and so fun to watch, it is heartbreaking. I am sad that she is no longer a newborn baby.
20 weeks. 60 weeks in total this wonderful little thing has been in my life. While it feels comfortable and natural on so many levels it still doesn't really feel like my life. There is still this sense that I will wake up and it will be all back the way it was.
But then in the middle of the night I wake up when I hear her scratch away at the side of her portable crib beside my bed here in the guest room at my parents house. I smile. I am her mother. I am the one who gets up with her no matter how tired I am. And I always give her a big smile. And she always gives me one too.
But this year I have Maddy with me in her separate flesh. In 8 hours she will be exactly 20 weeks old.
We have a rhythm. We know each other. I can calm her, I can make her laugh. She nestles her head against my neck in a way she does with no one else. She is my baby and I am her mama. It is beautiful.
But in all honesty I still can't believe I am a mother. Sometimes I worry when she isn't with me that I will forget her. I worry about accidentally leaving the house without her or forgetting to pick her up from day care when she starts, or coming home in time to relieve the nanny. I have never even come close to doing this but it still worries me. I have no idea where that fear comes from.
I also worry that I won't ever be special to her. She has grown into a really gregarious baby that smiles at everyone and loves to be held by anyone. Even if she is crying she'll pause for a few moments in order to give someone a big smile, as if she can't bring herself to be rude. Maybe this is just her age. Maybe it is her personality. But I don't seem to be a particularly special person to her yet, just another really nice person who is around her more than everyone else. I know this is absurd, but this fear feels real to me right now.
I am genuinely excited by her development. What an amazing emotion overwhelmed me when I felt her little sharp tooth breaking through her gum a week ago. And the pride I feel when she leans forward in her car seat in anticipation of being picked up. But as these things happen I see her newborn babyness as history, and I wish I could have it back for just another few weeks more. I wasn't ready for that stage to be over. I hadn't had enough. Now she is starting to get hair. She is starting to grab fiercely and with strength for things. She is starting to want things, like this monkey balloon here at my parents house. When you take it away she cries. My little newborn cries for want of a monkey balloon. She isn't a newborn anymore. And while this is wonderful and so fun to watch, it is heartbreaking. I am sad that she is no longer a newborn baby.
20 weeks. 60 weeks in total this wonderful little thing has been in my life. While it feels comfortable and natural on so many levels it still doesn't really feel like my life. There is still this sense that I will wake up and it will be all back the way it was.
But then in the middle of the night I wake up when I hear her scratch away at the side of her portable crib beside my bed here in the guest room at my parents house. I smile. I am her mother. I am the one who gets up with her no matter how tired I am. And I always give her a big smile. And she always gives me one too.
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