I used to think that I love my husband unconditionally. Now that I have Madsy, I know that this is not true.
I love Mads unconditionally.
I expect things from my husband.
And I have been surprised by just how frustrated I am by his usual inability to do these things.
I feel like I am being mean, and I try to stop myself. But I just can't.
For example, Mads sometimes pees in between diapers and gets the changing pad cover all wet. He never replaces it but leaves it wet. I then set Mads down for her next diaper change and notice that it is wet and her clothes are now wet from whatever it was that made the pad wet. I have to ask if Mads peed on it and he always says "yes". WTF?
Another example, we have two bathrooms. One is close to our bedroom and Maddy's room. The other is a floor away next to the guest bedroom and very cold. I have been using the cold bathroom for the last year or two because Dh said I should use it since it was the refinished one (we recently remodeled our house). Ok, whatever.
When Dh was out of town for the last month I moved into the closer bathroom so that I could hear Madsy when I took a shower and was getting dressed. I decided that I did not want to move out when he came home, so I stayed. He then suggested that he move down to the cold bathroom. Ok. But his idea of "move" was to take the new bar of soap that he opened and leave the 8 little soap-bar-remainders in the shower. I don't use this soap and he knows it, so it isn't like he was leaving them for me to use. He left them for me to clean up. Small, I know. But come on.
And the last example... he has a cold that he picked up on his flight home. This has of course rendered him absolutely incapacitated. He insists that he doesn't want to touch Maddy so that he won't get her sick. But when I suggest that he just wash his hands a lot he completely ignores me. The couple of times I have managed to get him to wash his hands he runs them under the water for 2 seconds and then dries them. No soap. WTF?
And then this morning he is sitting on the footstool in her room "watching" her play on the floor while I was getting a bunch of stuff ready so we could go take his mom out for a picnic lunch. Remember, he won't touch Maddy so as not to get her sick, but he was coughing and coughing right over her without covering his mouth or even coughing in a different direction. She was literally laying underneath his mouth as he coughed. Again, WTF?
I have others but I am feeling kind of mean and petty to be writing them out. Am I the only new mom who has oodles and oodles of patience for the baby but absolutely none for her husband? How do I get my head into a better place?
well, I have no patience at all ... especially for the baby who doesn't.want.to.sleep ... but I have even less for my husband. I think this is normal: as I say to my son about his less-well-behaved classmates, "so and so is learning." We can accept that learning stage more readily in an infant. Adults don't learn as easily, though, so perhaps we owe them more patience than we give ... :P *hug* ... hang in there!!
ReplyDeleteMy patience has long since left with my maternity leave. basically, I'm a mega bitch, hoping I don't lose my job or my husband. good luck. If you figure out anything let me know.
ReplyDeleteI shouldn't comment because I don't have a husband... but just wanted you to know that I'm on your team all the way. Hugs.
ReplyDeletecompletely normal post partum reaction. It does go away at some point, but other than that it is super hard. I think of it as a sort of learned helplessness loop. Mom gives birth is with baby in hospital breast feeds (maybe) at some point dad goes back to working outside the home first. Mom figures a whole bunch of crap out, not because she is more nurturing or anything like that, but because she is the one there with the screaming kid etc. Dad now feels out of it, useless etc, does less, mom does more, and on and on. So my advice is intervene now. Shove the kid in his hands if need be (after sanitizing them) or better yet leave the house. He will be fine.
ReplyDeleteMomma Mads,
ReplyDeleteI had this feeling also. It started the week hubby went back to work after paternity leave and lasted until last month when we got back from our long road trip vacation. I made my frustrations very clear and said out loud what I wanted him to do. And he did it! Two days ago he even washed dishes, did a load of laundry and cleaned our bathroom - what? So don't keep your anger to yourself.
Oy. You are not mean. Don't feel guilty for writing it out. It helps to write these things to process them. I may not have a newborn, but I have a husband. And a stepchild who I have been with since the age of one. And, for someone who has never had a baby, I certainly feel like a single mom sometimes. In my experience, this impatience/conditional love/urge to throttle (or maybe that's just me) doesn't ever go away 100%. There are good days and bad days. That is all. I am sure there are things I do or don't do that make him crazy, too. Your last question is the right one - it is all how we respond to these things. We can certainly verbalize our displeasure. I find calm observations are good. Like, "Hmm. I notice that you left 8 of your little soap pieces in the bathroom." Ideally, though, I find just grinning and bearing it and being sweet even if I don't feel sweet is the key to a happy marriage. "Honey, to thank you for moving to the cold bathroom, I disposed of your many soap bits. I thought it was the least I could do after such a chivalrous gesture." If I don't have the strength or desire to do either of the above, I just yell at him. Yep. Those would be the bad days. But they pass. Sending hugs.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Maddy
I don't know why this post didn't show up on my blogroll when it came up so I am a bit late...
ReplyDeleteI hear ya. And you are completely right: love for children is unconditional, for the spouse -- not so much!
Let me tell you that my DH has yet to change a diaper on our 2 month-old baby. That's right, has not changed a single one.
He's supposedly been taking care of the older boys and everything else around the house so I can focus on the baby. This is what ensued: car's ignition has been acting weird since before the vacation in July, he still won't take it to the shop.
Middle son needs to get a new mattress and move back into his room before the oldest starts school next week (they have been sharing a room all summer after we had our floors done), DH still won't go shopping for a mattress and won't let me do it.
Oh, and don't get me started with the video games: as he gets home at 6 pm, he eats and sits down to play World of Warcraft. He gets up for 15 min around 9 to put the middle boy to bed and then does not get up until 2 am. Then he is sleep deprived and grumpy the next day and snaps at the kids. When I mention that he is playing too much and that he should get his $hit together, he tells me that I don't want him to have any fun or relax ("Any fun?" Must it be 8 freakin' hours every day?), and just because I have no time to relax doesn't mean he shouldn't either. WTF?
Ahhh, venting feels good.
Anyway, as you see, some of the resentment does not go away. Some of it the husbands deserve, but I also think we tend to pour out all our stress and negativity on them because they are close...
P.S. My verification word was "prego" -- LOL!
GMP, it didn't show up on mine either.
ReplyDeleteTrust, you are not alone. I have to be very explicit with mine otherwise things don't get done. I totally agree with the learned helplessness theory. I got a mild hernia from labor and delivery but I tell you, nothing is mild when it feels like your guts are going to fall out when you sneeze. Yet, I didn't miss a beat taking care of the baby.
DH strained his neck reading. his. iPad. and now he can't hold the baby longer than a minute because it'll aggravate his neck/disc/muscl/wtf-ever.
So if you get tips on how to deal please send them my way...
**hugs**