I feel wonderful. I feel happy. In fact, these last five months have been the best of my life. I have always felt like I could take care of my baby. Of course there have been a couple of minor lack-of-self-confidence moments but these were mostly about my not being able to be a really great mom rather than an adequate mom. I have never doubted my ability to be an adequate mother.
But this morning I was listening to this story on NPR about postpartum depression.
I have been thinking of posting about some thoughts that do frequently cross my mind. I had decided not to because it would sound like a bigger deal than it is. But this news story about a psychiatric unit dedicated to treating postpartum depression really struck a cord with me.
One of the doctors interviewed talked about how women with postpartum depression have images in their head of things like knives sticking into their babies, and that they will avoid the kitchen for fear of this happening.
I do this. I have done this since she was born. I still do this, even today. I cringe at the sight of knives and make a very conscious effort to be super careful. I do it with other things too, although knives are my biggest fear.
I am struck by the vulnerability of my baby. I buttoned up her PJs this morning and thought about how she needs help with everything. A month or so ago I was overwhelmed with this thought: if I laid her outside the front door at night she couldn't do anything about it and would be there the next morning unless the racoons took her. It broke my heart.
I wonder if postpartum depression is at one end of a range, and that the middle part of the range is really important for mothering. Here's my thought. To mother you need empathy, right? And so imagining bad things happening to your helpless infant helps evoke even more empathy than women may have had prior to birth. I could cry at the horrible images that come into my mind sometimes and it makes me hold Maddy super tight and feel even more committed to keeping her safe.
Since most things about our biology have a normal distribution, there are going to be a few women who have these thoughts to a debilitating degree whereas there are others that won't have them at all. But, the majority of women will have them but be inspired to take even better care of their infants because of them.
What do you think? I am normal? Do you have these images in your mind too since your baby was born? Or maybe, I do have a bit of postpartum depression.
You are definitely not alone!
ReplyDeleteI have a 6-week old, and I am finding that if I let my mind "go there," it can be debilitating. I haven't had the classic signs of post-partum depression, and agree with you that on the continuum, thoughts such as you describe are completely normal signs.
As new parents, we have to come to grips with the enormous uncertainty and risk associated with bringing another fiercely-loved yet supremely vulnerable life into this big dangerous world.
I am enjoying your blog! thanks.
Peace,
Tara
A very insightful post. I think you are Very normal. Just because you realise you have the abilty to do something, doesn't mean that you want to do it, or ever would do it.
ReplyDeleteYes, I have thought this out too. I think that worry that something bad will happen to your child is totally normal and adaptive. I find it insulting to say it's a 'condition' when you are worried about keeping this precious, helpless little thing safe. I don't worry about knives, but I do worry about stairs and balconies and basically any high places. And sleep is still an issue-- how long do I check every 10 minutes to see if she's breathing? Will I be doing this when she's 18???
ReplyDeleteI think (agree) that ppd is the extreme of this very normal behavior and feeling. I HATE the term 'baby blues' as applies to worrying about the well being of your new infant!
I worry about lots of wierd things too. I still check on my 4 year old, once about an hour after she goes to sleep, right before I go to sleep and then if I get up to pee, I check again. It kinda never ends.
ReplyDeleteParker I check alot to see if she is still breathing. Probably will until she is about 1.
Yes, I have many thoughts like this.
ReplyDeleteBut in no way do I link them to postpartum depression or even mothering. I've had thoughts like that for years, when I'd babysit for example as a teenager. Perhaps it does have to do with empathy, as you suggest, or perhaps it's another phenomenon entirely...
Yep. I think you are normal. I'm not sure it is postpartum there must be another name for it (I'll consult my DSM)...something stronger than worry...which as you know I have!
ReplyDeleteMy constant thought is not about knives, but other things - me dropping the baby, especially when I'm taking him out of the bathtub and he's wet and slippery...I think the "worry" (for lack of a better word) is just cautious, loving, caring mothering! Once you are responsible for someone else, so tiny and helpless, you have a million thoughts (you did read my recent post right?!).
I think your thoughts are as normal as any other mother's thoughts and the fact that you are aware about them and say them out loud makes you even more normal!
What a lovely post! I think these feelings are completely normal, wanting to protect the baby from the world and marveling at the baby's fragility... It does bring tears to one's eyes...
ReplyDeleteI think baby blues is pretty common -- I feel it's just general weepiness in the first few weeks, mostly hormones and lack of sleep. I think it goes into depression when you feel really helpless and get no joy from anything... Then when you start thinking you will hurt the baby -- like having visions of putting your baby into the oven (I read that somewhere) -- I think it's postpartum psychosis, but this is on the level of feeling like you have no control over what you will do to the baby. Anyway, I don't have direct experience except with baby blues, but here's a recent post from a fellow blogger, Dr. O, who had a bout of depression several months ago following the birth of her son.
I think you're normal. Especially since there are times when you feel like you are at your wits' end ... you know that you would never do those things, but your sleep-deprived brain imagines things that you have no control over imagining. And I do think that you take even better care of your baby because you recognize her vulnerability and helplessness.
ReplyDeleteTotally normal. My baby is 3 months and I have this anxiety about holding on concrete. It is so hard and they are so vulnerable. When I think of him now that I am at work I occasionally worry about him falling. I don't think it's an obsession or phobia but I am much more careful walking with him.
ReplyDeleteI think it is totally normal to think about the vulnerability of our babies - even in graphic ways. I do this all the time. I think it is protective, it shows us the dangers to these little ones in our care, keeps us vigilant and at our best. It is when it crosses over to obsessive thoughts about the possibility of the dangers, or crosses into "I might harm my baby" that you enter the abnormal, the clinical post-partum depression.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Gwinne. I would do this when babysitting and even with my nieces and nephews. One time I called my mom when I was babysitting (around 15 years old) and she calmly said "totally normal. Don't worry, you wont do anything." That's what I tell myself now when I have those fleeting dark thoughts.
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