Thanks for your comments on yesterday's displeased-with-dh post. I have been thinking lots about it today. It bothers me that I feel so pissed off but that I can't really put my finger on what it is that is bothering me.
Here's my current idea. I think I am getting tapped out on the spouting love. Dh has been overseas for the last month and because of how the poor phone system works it is best if I call him. But this requires the use of an annoying phone card, lines into the country that don't always work and are often busy, a hotel front desk clerk that gets too excited saying "hello" over and over again that they can't hear me and then hang up, etc. I can easily spend 30 minutes just trying to get dh's voice on the line for a quick hello. Imagine this with a little baby on your lap... When I do get through Dh likes to complain about the crap that he's dealing with. I would then share a cute story about Mads, and then it was time to go. Did you notice there that we never talked about me? Yep, there many phone calls when I wasn't even asked how I was doing.
Every day I emailed him a video or a few photos of Mads so he could see what she was up to.
And then there were the afternoons I took Mads over to see Dh's mom while he was gone.
And then there is the blog that Maddy writes for our families, so that takes up time every other day but my mom and dh's mom LOVE it so much that I am really happy to do it.
And I went to visit family, so of course there was a lot of emotional energy expenditure and emotional stuff I would have liked to have talked with dh about. Mom threw a couple of parties, so that was emotional expenditure, numerous thank-you notes to write, etc. All nice, but kind of exhausting.
Oh, and did I tell you about how dh had said he'd leave the same day Mads and I did but later in the day so that he could give us a ride to the airport, to make my life easier? yea, well, he messed up and actually bought a ticket that had him on the red eye the night before we left so that I and a baby-past-her-bedtime took him and one of his students to the airport at 11pm the night before I had an 8am pick-up for our taxi ride to the airport. And we live about an hour away from the airport. Needless to say, I only got about 3 hours of sleep the night before I took Mads on her first airplane flight. Thanks Dh.
And now it is the start of the semester and all these students need something from me.
I think maybe I have run out of emotional energy to give. Mads gives me smiles and laughs and makes everything I do for her rewarding. But honestly, no one else does.
I need to feel some love back from the spouse. In many ways it was a little easier when he wasn't here and I knew it was all on me. But now that he's back I could really use a boost. But unfortunately my husband is the type who believes that since he told me that he thinks I am beautiful in 1996 that that should suffice until the end of our lives...
Is this a permanent woman condition?
I don't know about permanent, but I do know that having a child stresses your marriage in ways you'd never be able to anticipate. The key is to find what works for you. Is it date night, non-mom time, yelling at each other etc I don't think there is one answer for all couples. You just gotta find your way back to how you related pre-kid and adapt that to post kid. It isn't easy, but it is possible!
ReplyDeleteIs it a permanent woman condition? Yes and no. Yes, in that we have many thing pulling on us - career, child, husband, family, housework, etc. I don't know if that will ever go away. But no - in that marriage should be a partnership, which means each has responsibilities that each person does, without having to be nagged to death by the other, or not doing at all.
ReplyDeleteI know that for me, I can bottle things up and then get very mad at DH when he doesn't read my mind and do what I want. But the minute I tell him in clear concrete terms what I need from him, he does it. I think what you need to figure out is if your dh just needs guidance and clear directions ("when she pees on something, and you know she has peed on something, it becomes your job to clean it up and here is how you do it") or if he is just not that interested in being a partner. Not interested in taking responsibility for you, or Mads. That's a big difference.
((((hugs)))) sweetie. It sounds very frustrating.
Damn, I just accidentally closed a window and lost a long comment. *sigh*
ReplyDeleteI echo what Pie says above
"I know that for me, I can bottle things up and then get very mad at DH when he doesn't read my mind and do what I want. But the minute I tell him in clear concrete terms what I need from him, he does it."
My husband is like this most of the time. He says himself "We men don't do anything unless we really have to." There you have it, from the horse's mouth.
I think the emotional exhaustion you are feeling is a common women's condition. From every direction, someone is pulling at you, wanting time or love or energy or something... I don't know where you can get it back, I don't think you really can from a single person. I get love back from my kids, but my Dh is not very romantic. And the job is very draining, so not sure how to get that part back, hopefully through the work's rewards (hahahaha -- maybe if grant success rates were 100% and colleagues weren't a$$holes, right?) I haven't figured it out for myslef, that's for sure, so I have been walking around pretty emotionally depleted for years now. I think that art, a good book, or appreciating nature can actually help though -- in other words, we should be able to recharge at least in part without other people...
I think lots of men were brought up to think that just doing a tiny amount makes them a hero. When the kids turned up I made it crystal clear to my DH about expectations and failed obligations. I don't find a man-boy attractive. I don't expect to have three children etc.
ReplyDeleteIt took a while but it worked. I never nagged but I was really honest and clear about what was what.
Our friends helped also. A couple of his girlfriends told him that they would have divorced him over his lack of contribution. This shocked him. I have to say, he's not too bad now.
Good luck!
I agree, it's irritating to be pissed off against your will! Especially in those times when every little thing that someone does bothers you. I think it happens to everyone in a long term relationship from time to time, but I don't know about *permanent*. It sounds like you need to talk-- but as for cleaning, it's nearly impossible to make someone into a 'neater' individual. You just have to drag him around the house and show him specific tasks. Repeatedly.
ReplyDeleteBetween yesterday's post and this one, your husband reminds me of my last long-term boyfriend. He just didn't get what I needed. And even when I told him, he didn't get it (we had MANY other problems which is why I let him go).
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you have the added stress. Mads gives you positive feedback which is rewarding. Have you told Dh what you need so he can support you? It sounds like this has existed for a long time but you had enough emotional energy to compensate... and now your emotional ability to compensate is taxed.
I know how hard it is to tell someone exactly what you need, I have a problem with that myself... but it sounds like it's worth a shot to provide you some additional relief.
Thinking of you (((hugs)))!
My husband mopped up our son's wet bed last night with his sheets, and told me today that the mattress pad "was water resistant, so why should I wash it"? Doubling my work for sheet-washing tomorrow, now.
ReplyDeleteI suspect that two things need to happen: we need to be clearer about our expectations (and not assume that they can read minds), and become a little more understanding of the way that our spouses see the world, too (which makes absolutely NO sense to us!).
I also think that women tend to give emotionally, and men simply don't ... so we DO get tapped out in a way that they don't seem to. (I hate to make that huge generalization, but I really do think that it breaks down around gender roles ... which is probably largely socialization ... so we should make sure we try to counteract this for our own daughters!)
Your last two sentences cracked me up. I'v heard. I told you I love and I haven't taken it back yet. So it still stands. I think your feeling are normal and very similar to mine.
ReplyDelete