letting my guard down

We have an OB appointment on Tuesday, which will be the first time we meet her (the OB).  We had an apt with the nurse practitioner about a month ago, and then the CVS test, and now, finally, will meet the doctor that will (hopefully) deliver our little girl.

Not sure how much of this has come out in my blog posts, but I keep setting emotional road marks along the way for this pregnancy.  "If everything is ok at X then I'm allowed to feel/do Y..."

For example, I told my self that if everything is ok with the CVS then I'd invest in a second bra and a belly band (which is silly, because I only had to pay $17 at target last night for a belly band that would have made my life a lot more comfortable for the last few weeks).

And then I was thinking, well, maybe I should hold off on the second bra until after our apt on Tuesday, just to make sure we made it to 14 weeks ok.

I'm realizing that this practice becomes ridiculous at some point.  I either go with this pregnancy or risk never enjoying it at all. 

So I stopped.  I won't do it anymore.  My little daughter is going to be fine.  She's going to be born in early March and she's going to be perfect.

It is SO scary to write those words.  But I'm SO tired of being afraid.  I am going to let go of the fear and just accept the horrible agony that I might have to face if the worst happens.  My little girl deserves happy vibes from now on while she's hanging out in my body.

That said, last night I had my first baby dream.  I had just given birth to a very quiet and low key baby.  She was so quiet in fact that the nurses lost her and couldn't find her.  They kept telling me not to freak out, that they would find her and that I should keep practicing breast feeding with a pillow.  But I was really upset that I had gotten that far only to lose her. 

It was wonderful to wake up at 2:50am for my usual bathroom visit, as I let out a big sigh of relief and thought to myself that the wonderful thing about being pregnant is that I always know where she is... she can't get lost.

And then I fell back to sleep and dreamed I was on the CSI team investigating the death of the doctor who died in the chimney of her ex-boyfriend's house last week...  what was she thinking?!?!  Her parents were lovely people though, at least in my dream.

Updates

I had my last progesterone suppository last night.  Now I can pretend to be a normal pregnant person.

Hopefully this lasts for more than just a few days though.

My CVS test is tomorrow (wed) at 1.30pm.  I'm a bit freaked to say the least, but am doing quite well (right now) at pretending like it is no big deal.  It's wacked, but I'm more freaked about the risk of miscarriage than the results.  I hope that isn't a bad omen -- not worried about the right thing.  Maybe I'll start freaking out about results if/when I make it past the miscarriage possibility.

My sister offered to fly out to go with me to the apt.  Very sweet and sincere.

My mom also offered to fly out to go with me to the apt, but this sure came out sounding more like a jab at dh for not being here than as a deep concern for me and proto-baby

I turned them both down, as it just felt like it was making a big deal out of something that will be easier if I pretend like it isn't a big deal.

Despite my obvious preoccupation with this not being a big deal, I did sleep well last night.  In fact, I dreamed that I was visiting Sarah Palin at her house.  This was a HUGE mansion and her kids were obnoxious.  She made me wear orange high heels.

funny-mares

Last night I have a very vivid and realistic dream that dh's penis was 2 feet long.

This morning I dreamed that a guy from work was smoking weed in my bathroom.  Dh and I were sitting on the floor with him, but instead of smoking I was going on a very long rant about what an ass our dept chair is, and dh kept asking where he got the weed from.

so much better than insomnia.