letters to myself

In honor of my upcoming 41st birthday I wish that I could send these notes back through time to my former selves. What a difference time and experience make. As they say, youth is wasted on the young. I love being older, if only it didn't come with being old.

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Dear InB at 18 years old,

Care about the details of life, as I know you do. But also pay attention to the big picture. The world at large is full of amazing things, many good and many bad. And you should care about these things. And you shouldn't feel afraid to be outspoken. Join a demonstration, a public advocacy group, volunteer. Get outside of yourself as it will help you better see your role in this world. You will learn that you do have a voice and that your voice can make a difference. You matter, don't think that you are insignificant.

love,
InB at 41

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Dear InB at 32,

I admire your motivation, determination, and drive. Trust that this will take you far. But also give some thought as to where "far" is. What do you mean by "success"? How is that defined and who defined it? Is that really your meaning of success? Who are you trying to impress? The only person that really matters in this regard is yourself. Do the things you need to do for you. Find a way to let go of wanting to impress other people. Most of them wouldn't be impressed even if you figured out a way to walk on water. And if they are impressed they won't let you know about it. In fact, the more you do the more they will try to hurt you, make you feel bad, and push you down. So don't work hard for them. Work hard because you enjoy it. Accomplish the things that will make YOU feel proud of yourself. Figure out what those are and let go of the rest -- it is a waste of emotional energy and time.

love, inB at 41

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Dear InB at 39,

I know you are terribly sad about the miscarriage and the infertility that is following it. You feel hopeless and filled with regret that you waited too long to start your family; regretful and embarrassed that you likely sacrificed too much for a career success that ended up feeling hollow. A baby feels like the only way to fill that void.

But it isn't. I know this is impossible to know from the side of the equation you are on right now, but now that I am on the other side I can speak with confidence. I now grasp the feelings that your baby would bring you and I can honestly say that you can fill that void in other ways if your baby doesn't come.

First off, you need to do some reshuffling of your goals. Come to appreciate that happiness is a decision you make. You know this already, but let me give you some specific suggestions to help with this. I know that you are wanting a project with meaning, and that a baby in your arms is a sure-fire way to get that. But there are other ways too.

You feel strongly about public education and defending excellent public universities, jump into that. It is a fight worth fighting and *you can make a difference*. Remember what I told you at 18 (see above)? Don't sell yourself short. Your lack of self-confidence is unfounded.

Be strong, be the woman you admire not the woman you fear you might be.

And speak up. Join a demonstration, lead a public advocacy group, volunteer. You really do have the power to change the world. What you have accomlplished professionally has brought you more power and recognition than you realize. Shake off the insecurity and use it, dammit.

You will find the same fullfillment and satisfaction from those pursuits as you will from a baby.

The part that will be missing is the physical intimacy, the snuggles. But you should push hard to regain more physical intimacy with dh. Hugs, snuggles on the couch, intertwined legs as you sleep. Make these a more prominent part of your relationship. That physical intimacy will go a long way.

And last, make sure you smile. Make a serious effort to make other people around you realize they are loved and appreciated and you will get the same sense of nurturing that a baby will bring. It is easier to love a baby and nurture them, but those young adults that you teach, they could really benefit from it too. Be there for them in ways you haven't been before. Get involved more specifically at the campus level. It is ok to love someone else's child, from your nephew to your students. Open your heart more. Don't be afraid to be a woman in a man's world. It will make you happier.

You can do it, and you can have a beautiful and equally fulfilling life without a baby. I wish I could have shared this with you at the time so that you could have felt less angry, less sad, and less desperate. You likely would not have believed me though. In fact, I know you wouldn't have, but maybe my advice would eventually sink in and you would have been ok. I love you InB. You are much too unforgiving of yourself.

love, InB at 41