the rollercoaster

Today I felt more in control.

I almost hit a point where maybe I don't care about having a baby. Maybe my life would be just as good, or even better, without one. I could see strategy to my career and long-term goals, and the possibility that maybe that strategy will actually be able to work.

My research entails a lot of international fieldwork, and I could go back to traveling a lot (something I haven't done much of for the last 2 years as I tried to get pregnant, and then had to lick the miscarriage wounds, and then got on the IF rollercoaster).

I'm quite sure this won't last, but I'm relishing this emotional place.

I registered for a conference in Paris this summer. That's my mark. If I'm pregnant or not I'll go, and if I'm not, then that's it. That's the end of the IF journey. I need to get on with my life or I walk out of this with no career and no baby.

I also made the commitment to be in the field for at least a short time in July. The field is a long, long way away from doctors, so this is a commitment.

We'll see how hard it will be to buy all those airline tickets. I'm quite sure there will be many tears between here and there, but I hope not.