I kind of wish I could wallow in misery, but I'm surprisingly tired of it yesterday and today. I knew the result would be negative, and so I was more annoyed that I had to go through the agony of taking the test and confirming what I already knew.
I'm pretty convinced that I'll never get pregnant, and this is why I was so ridiculously upset over the miscarriage. I KNEW that was my one and only chance. I was so pissed when people would say, "but you at least know you can get pregnant!" They didn't understand that this wasn't true; I knew getting pregnant was hard. My sister has struggled with IF for more than 10 years after her son was born. She's still only got one child. Maybe there is some physiological shift after a pregnancy that then makes us both unable to have another. And unfortunately my mutant body cost me my only chance.
So why go through all of this? Two reasons.
1) I hope I'm wrong.
2) Even if I am right I'll want the peace of mind later knowing that I really did try everything within my power and I still couldn't make it happen.
I really hope I'm wrong.
It's going to really suck to have to pay off the debt for these treatments for 6-8 months knowing it was an abject failure... I so look forward to a year from now when it will be over, one way or another.
I can so, SO relate to what you have written, especially #2. Not having a child is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life and I wanted to also be able to live with the knowledge I had tried everything I could.
ReplyDeleteI am hoping hard for you that a year from now you will be holding your cherished child in your arms.