Yesterday dh had to go in for another blood test for our IF project. He needed to update his infectious disease test just in case our next IVF gets canceled for an IUI and he needs to donate (we are doing ICSI for the IVF, so have some guys on ice already).
Since it was Saturday we went to the only clinic nearby that was open, and it happened to be the one I went to moments after my miscarriage diagnosis/confirmation when I needed an HCG baseline to make sure I miscarried completely (nice).
That horrible Friday afternoon of the miscarriage, things had to happen kind of fast b/c of the weekend, and so I had to keep my shit together. The guy who drew my blood very happily asked if I was pregnant and I had to say "no, I just had a miscarriage". He didn't say anything back. Can you say "awkward". I bet he never does that anymore I walked outside, called dh, and then completely lost it. That was one of the harder things I've ever had to do, keep from crying in that clinic b/c I knew I wouldn't be able to stop once I started.
So yesterday morning brought back memories, compounded by my creative deduction that a woman in line behind us was there for the same reason I had been, or some other IF related thing. She wasn't happy, and needed an HCG and progesterone test.
I tried really hard not to let it get to me, and I haven't cried in weeks, and maybe even a good month or so. But we went out for brunch afterwords and I had zero patience. And then on the drive to the hardware store dh was pretty emphatic that he didn't want me to get a puppy (something I've been thinking very seriously about since Maddy suggested it the other day and it sounds like an great idea). I turned to him and just freaked out about how lonely I am. I could not stop crying. He was kind of pissed, as it drives him nuts when I am really sad and there is nothing he can do to fix it.
I did pull it together eventually and we bought some beautiful pots for the backyard for much less than we anticipated. But all the colorful pots and sunflowers in the world have a hard time chipping through the reality of IF.
I hope at some point you're able to just take those pots and flowers and smile at them, just a little bit. Those reminders and moments are just horrible. The worst is when I think I have my shit together and I lose it.
ReplyDeleteI hope you hear good news about the bloodwork and the cycle soon.
I'm so sorry. I also have a lot of (bad) associations with certain places because of IF. It's hard to get over that.
ReplyDeleteI hope the flowers bring some small moments of content.
I'm sorry you had such a rough day. I wish we lived closer so we could share a cup of tea...and I could share my puppy with you, too. How about a kitty, or are pets totally out of the question? (man, this guy is going to wonder who this Maddy is and why is she out to get him like this...). E-mail me if you like...maybe we can set up a phone chat...verymadhatter@live.com
ReplyDelete((Hugs))
Love,
Maddy
Oh I'm so sorry you had a crap-ass day. I think that women like you seem to be, who have been very accomplished and togethr their whole lives, try like hell to keep things together through this, but sometimes it's just too much. But crying is fine, even though it scares the bejeesus out of your husband -- his job is not to fix it but to be there for whatever you need, no matter how maddening it is to him!
ReplyDeleteI hope that the flowers bring you much joy, as they sound lovely.
PS -- don't beat yourself up for having a "moment" -- just feel what you need to feel.
You all are wonderful. Thank you. I really don't know what I'd do without the constant support and affirmation. I love you!
ReplyDeleteI am sorry that this day was a shit shoot! I have many of those! I to am good in the doctors office and then go let it out in the car. Crying, although sucks is so soothing. It lets you get it all out - so if you need to open the flood gates do it!
ReplyDeleteI ask my DH for a puppy ALL the time. His response sounds identical to yours!
Thinking of you sweets!