For much of my adult life I didn't want children. They seemed like a lot of work, and I really enjoyed the freedom of my adulthood and the satisfaction of being career-focused and succeeding in a man's world (as I saw it at the time).
My best friend from high school ("K"), the one person I have kept in contact with since those days, she is still adamant about not wanting kids. We have always been very close, the kind of friends that pick it right back up from where we left off when we see each other. I have looked up to her from the first day I ever met her, and her opinion of me really matters.
K complains somewhat regularly about being deserted by friends who have babies and fall off the face of the planet. I don't think she's against people with kids, but there does seem to be an edge of slight betrayal, almost. If that makes sense.
My mom is jones-ing to tell people, and once she does K will hear through the grapevine. (It's a small town we grew up in and where our parents still live.) So, it's time I bite the bullet and share my news.
I just wrote a letter to K, two pages long, single spaced, explaining the mental journey I took to get here, the work b.s., the miscarriage, the depression, the sadness, and how right it feels to be here now, pregnant. I figured it was better to explain all of this and give her time to react before talking on the phone.
I'm nervous to drop the letter in the mail. This is real. And I'm scared of her reaction.
Almost time to share the news....that is exciting. I'm sure your friend will understand. Sounds like a strong friendship. I'm sure a tiny baby won't come between you. She might become the baby's greatest "auntie".
ReplyDeleteWow. An actual letter. I'm very impressed. ....but really, she should be excited for you - otherwise your friendship has evolved to a different place - because you have evolved. Try not to stress over her reaction... I hope she is truly happy for you!
ReplyDeleteI too was impressed by the actual letter. Nice! As for the content, Ican certainly understand why you fear this friend's judgment-- after all, you were probably both in the anti-baby club together for a long time, with lots of sneering! Now you're in the sneer-ee boat. Oh well... she'll get over it. The alternative would be to tell her that you accidentally got knocked up and then didn't notice until it was too late to terminate.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like a thoughtful letter-- more thoughtful than she deserves, I wonder, if she is indeed as judgmental as you fear?
I think your letter sounds perfect - it gives her a chance to take it all in before responding. And I'll bet she'll surprise you - because, after all, this is YOU, her BEST FRIEND, who's going to have a baby. It will be different, I think. In a very good way.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Maddy
The people I've known who have been less than enthusiastic about kids have come around when I've proven that I can still be a friend ... while I can't go out for a glass of wine every Friday night, I *can* talk on the phone, or meet for coffee, or talk about things besides poop. I suspect that you'll prove the same to your friend, and that she will be more supportive than you think, willing to test out your relationship under "altered conditions."
ReplyDeleteFor the record, I think real letters are completely underrated, and underwritten. Good for you, putting pen to paper.
Sounds very refreshing to sit down and write a letter. I am sure it helps you think through how to say everything to her as well and will give her time to absorb the news before talking.
ReplyDeleteI think it is very hard for some people without children to understand what it means to have kids. Yes - the kids needs do come first. LIke Justine says above, no you can't just pick up and go out every Friday night. But friendships can adjust and flourish. I find coffee/lunch are great times to meet up with friends, I can talk on the phone after the kids are in bed (not so much right now as we have a new infant, but soon). I can make arrangements with my husband to do the occasional girls day or night out to the movies/museum, etc. It is all balance.
I hope your friend surprises you and makes it easy for you both to enjoy a changing friendship.
(My other pet peeve is when childless people tell me they understand having children because they care for pets...No pets can be left alone, a child can never be left alone, it changes the dynamic a lot!)
She will understand.. she's been your friend for such a long time. You are not a different person just because you are pregnant, so it should not change your wonderful friendship.
ReplyDeleteI have a student that, when she heard that I have a small child at home, began telling me stories about her dog.
ReplyDeleteI used to be that dog-lover. I took her to Dog Scout Camp for crying out loud. So I completely understand. That's how I understand how completely different it is.
So ya, I'm a little annoyed by "you have a kid? I have a dog" as pp was.
I was that childless person feeling betrayed until I decided that I wanted a child. Watch out that she might be doubting the strength of her conviction and decisions.
I'm with Maddy, it will be different with you for K because it is you giving her this news.
ReplyDeleteI love that you took the time to writer her a letter and I think she will appreciate it...and I think having time to let it sink in was also wise, so she is not reactive or caught off guard. Good luck, keep us posted!
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